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Young Writers Society



Many Knights and Days (1)

by captain.classy


Chapter 1:

I walked into the school, breathing in the sweet smell of break. One more day, seven more hours, and six more classes. Shouldn’t be too hard.

I strutted past glass cases with trophies, signs announcing Junior Prom, and little freshmen dressed in slutty Santa Claus outfits, trying to attract eyes, but all they received were obnoxious looks and dead stares. “Alice!” I heard out of the ear that my iPod speakers weren’t blasting through. I turned around and smiled. My best friend in the entire world, Taylor, was practically running towards me, her skinny self bouncing and her long blonde hair shimmering. I was a tad jealous of her. She was skinny and pretty with an obnoxious, outgoing personality. While I, on the other hand, had curves, a vintage face and a shy, forgiving heart.

“Taylor!” I held my arms open as she bounded for them. It had only been a day since we saw each other last, but that was how we said hello. I looked around the yellow hallway, wondering if a certain someone was watching.

Over my friends shoulder, I saw him. Tall sharp body, dark hair and small eyes. His appearance attracted me beyond I ever thought it could go. The way he presented himself, calm and in touch with who he was, made my eyes spin. His gaze shifted to me and Taylor as we screamed some more, but shot back to his locker when he noticed my stare.

I could feel my face turn red. I only ever watched. I was introduced to him once at lunch. He was new to school with not many friends. But, a girl in my math class, Jessica, was his cousin. She pulled him over to our table and forced him to say hello and eat lunch. I didn’t even look at him then, too busy with other things I used to think more important. But now that I was a junior, I realized I needed a relationship, since I had never had one before.

“So, are you ready for this weekend?” Taylor pushed herself from me.

“Yes, I’m very excited.” I tried to say that in the most honest way I could without sounding rude. I loved to hang with Taylor. But, she often dragged me along on sickening adventures with her step family. We never had any fun, never met anyone whom we liked, and never went away happy with each other. I would make her mad, she would annoy me, I wouldn’t say the right thing, and she would ignore me. Even with best friends, things could go wrong.

“Yeah, the sarcasm in your voice is speaking to my soul. You’re not excited at all.” The bell rang, so I shut my locker and tried to sneak a look at my star-crossed lover, but he had gone. I looped my arm through Taylor's and we walked to first period.

“Alice,” his face popped in front of mine. His eyes were small, dark and dying. His breath smelt like coffee, not a good scent, though, more like coffee covering up morning breath because he hadn’t brushed his teeth.

“Hello David.” I looked at Taylor, who was avoiding eye contact with me. David had been in love with her for a year before he moved on to me, so she wasn’t about to help. I was on my own.

“So,” he sat on my desk, “what are you doing for break?”

He picked up my pencil and rubbed it between his long dirty fingers. I snatched it away without even a brush of hand-to-hand contact. “Nothing.”

“Oh come on,” he put a hand on my shoulder. I shook him off. “Let’s hang out.”

“I’m out of town. Maybe some other day.”

Ring. Saved by the bell. He and his greasy hair walked to his desk and sat down. He looked back at me once again before setting his eyes on the teacher. I shivered.

“Taylor!” I whispered, but she kept her eyes off me. She would go and act like nothing was wrong. “Taylor.” I hissed again.

“What? I’m trying to listen.” She folded her arms across her flat stomach and looked at our old, not so brilliant pre-calculus teacher.

“Why didn’t you save me? I always saved you, and that’s why he’s after me.”

“I think it’s time for you to find a new knight in shining armor.”

But, I already had. And, of course, he couldn’t save me because he was simply never

around. Whenever I needed rescuing, there was never a knight to sweep me off my feet. I felt that, in my life, I wore the shining armor for my friends. But when was my time for rescuing going to come?

Spoiler! :
I apologize if there are little mistakes. I was in a rush to post this. Please correct and comment, I would love to hear what you have to say! (:


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151 Reviews


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Sat Dec 26, 2009 7:31 pm
Forestqueen808 wrote a review...



Hi captain.classy! Here is your review as promised!

Over my friends shoulder,
It should be: Over my friend's shoulder
Don't add the comma I don't think you need a pause there.

“So,” he sat on my desk, “what are you doing for break?”
Classic :D

He and his greasy hair walked to his desk and sat down.
That is a really awesome line!

I really liked this, and didn't find many mistakes. It was very well written and this has a lot of promise. I love the ending it made me think about me, and how I'm kinda like Alice in some ways. It totally hit me. I'm excited to read the other chapters that are coming up. (There will be others right?)

Great Job captain.classy!

~Forest




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Thu Dec 24, 2009 5:51 am
icanbefixed wrote a review...



This was enjoyable.
I love how you say that you're your own knight in shining armor for your friends, as I can relate to that in many ways. Keep that going.

Your introduction is good, it's great that you describe David. His imperfections, such as small eyes, make him more real to the reader instead of having a perfect face. Wonderful.

I think you need to clarify your transitions, in the part where you're mentioning getting introduced to David, going to lunch, and then again when the time passes and he becomes more of an enemy to you than an attractive guy that you could possibly hook up with.

Continue on!
</3icanbefixed




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Wed Dec 23, 2009 5:37 am
Chirantha wrote a review...



Here I am Classy, just as you requested.

Okay, I'll go straight to it,

Mistakes

“Alice!” I heard out of the ear that my iPod speakers weren’t blasting through.

You heard what? It seems more appropriate to say, "Alice!" I heard a voice calling, out of the ear that my iPod speakers weren’t blasting through."

a vintage face

The word 'vintage' doesn't actually portray the description you wanted to give the readers. And as I don't know what you meant by the word there, I can't give you a suitable substitute word.

I held my arms open as she bounded for them.

I think it should be 'as she bounded into them'

I looked around the yellow hallway, wondering if a certain someone was watching.

I don't know why Alice would bother about anyone else watching them, as they would have done the same greeting, everyday.

You can try changing this to, "I felt a certain someone gazing at us hugging, from a distance."

His appearance attracted me beyond I ever thought it could go.

You can try changing this to, "His appearance attracted me beyond anything I ever imagined."

His gaze shifted to me and Taylor as we screamed some more

I thought he was already looking at you two anyway. :D

I could feel my face turn red.

Mixture of tenses here. Either change this to, "I felt my face turn red" or "I could feel my face turning red"

I only ever watched. I was introduced to him once at lunch.

These two sentences are too abrupt. Because you suddenly skip the whole greeting part, and the next second, Alice was in the cafeteria, eating lunch. I was confused the first time I read it.
Make it a point not to leave the reader bedazzled when switching the time and place of the character. Make it a slow and smooth transition, so even the reader want get confused.

But now that I was a junior, I realized I needed a relationship

I think you should change this to, "I had realized I need a relationship" because she didn't think of that right at very moment did she? So, it's better like this.

“So, are you ready for this weekend?” Taylor pushed herself from me.

Why did Taylor push herself from you. It made me imagine that she didn't like Alice or something similar. Try changing it.

“Yes, I’m very excited.”

Try writing, "Yeah, I'm very excited" As 'yes' seems a little, not-appropriate for a teenage girl.

You’re not excited at all.

Try adding, "You're not excited at all, are you?" to make it more realistic.

we walked to first period.

I don't know about high schools, but didn't Alice and Taylor had there just now. How come it's the first period? Isn't the first period usually in the morning?

Characters

To tell you the truth, your characters weren't developed that much. You gave description on them on any side, appearance of them or personality of them, other than this,

She was skinny and pretty with an obnoxious, outgoing personality. While I, on the other hand, had curves, a vintage face and a shy, forgiving heart.

This doesn't actually seem like a good description of your characters as it does not help the readers to imagine them or see how they would behave. All I got from the whole story about your characters was that Alice was a innocent, hopeless romantic girl, and that Taylor was a exuberant girl with a cold heart, although, I know that's how you would imagine her.
It would be better to explain her and Alice's personality with more than a few words, because it helps to keep the flow of the story, and it also gives the reader a run-down of the characteristics of the characters. Think about this, and fix the story.

Descriptions

The start of the story was way too much abrupt, because you just start with Alice walking into the school. In my mind, it would have been better to begin the story with a dscription or a narration, because it adds to interest of the story. The beginning of the story is the first place you can gain the curiosity of the reader and hold it until the end of the chapter. So, think about this also.

Plot

To tell you the truth, unless you add something completely random to change the plotline, this going to be like most of the romantic stories written on this site. A teenage girl seeing a good looking boy, falling head over heels in love, and etc. It's the plot of most of the romantic stories being written. So, unless you have another plot outlined in your mind, which I'm sure you have, it would really be a common story.

Overall

When you look at the chapter in the overall point, it seems good. You have used the characters in a good way, like showing the two sides of each characters. Taylor being a good friend, but turning a cold hearted one, in one single point. So, I like that point.

So far, I've liked the story, except the points I've made above. Fix those and it would be really good.

Good luck. :D




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Tue Dec 22, 2009 7:50 pm
Lena.Wooldridge wrote a review...



breathing in the sweet smell of break.

If you insinuating that it's a day before winter break, you might want to clarify, because I was confused.

little freshmen dressed in slutty Santa Claus outfits,

I love it.. Hate wannabe freshmen sluts hahaha.

“Alice!” I heard

You need to start a new paragraph here.

I was a tad jealous of her.

This is good. Make your character be flawed. Except, you shouldn't say this straight out. Make her do things that show jealousy, instead of just feeding it straight to the reader.

a vintage face

What is a vintage face?

a shy, forgiving heart.

Love this.



the yellow hallway,

Hallways at your school are yellow? Haha, funky. I thought they were usually white..

wondering if a certain someone was watching.

I don't understand why she would care if someone was watching, considering that this is an everyday routine.



Over my friends shoulder, I saw him. Tall
sharp body,

How can bodies be sharp? dark hair and small eyes.

His appearance attracted me beyond I ever thought it could go.

I don't understand what you're saying here.

presented himself, calm and in touch with who he was

How does he present this? You need to show, not tell.

he noticed my stare.

If you guys were screaming at eachother, why were you looking at him?



But, a girl in my math class, Jessica, was his cousin.

Try: But, Jessica, a girl in my math class, was his cousin.

She pulled him over to our table and forced him to say hello and eat lunch. I didn’t even look at him then, too busy with other things
I used to think more important.

I used to think *were* more important.

I realized I needed a relationship,

I don't know if you have the plot figured out, but you might want to play on the fact that she doesn't necessarily need a relationship to be happy.

I had never had one before.

Poor baby :(

Taylor pushed herself from me.

Huh? Don't get it.

“Yes, I’m very excited.” I tried to say that in the most honest way I could without sounding rude.

It appears that she isn't being very honest at all.

I loved to hang with Taylor. But, she often dragged me along on sickening adventures with her step family. We never had any fun, never met anyone whom we liked, and never went away happy with each other. I would make her mad, she would annoy me, I wouldn’t say the right thing, and she would ignore me. Even with best friends, things could go wrong.

This totally describes every vacation I have ever been on with a friend : ) However, you might want to say, sometime before this, that she is spending the weekend on a trip with Taylor.

“Alice,” his face popped in front of mine.

Why is he saying her name? The comma after "Alice" doesn't seem right, try a question mark, and then capitalize the "his".

“Hello David.”

Comma after "Hello"

“So,” he sat on my desk, “what are you doing for break?”

I think you should put a period after "desk", and then capitalize "What".

long dirty fingers

Comma after "long"

“Oh come on,”

Comma after "oh", period after "on".

he put a hand on my shoulder. I shook him off.

Don't you think he would have gotten the point, that he doesn't like her? In my experience with gross guys, they get the point pretty quick!

Ring. Saved by the bell.

I don't really like this. The "ring" part is just kinda lame, and the second part is so cliched.

“Taylor.” I hissed again.

Should be a comma after "Taylor".

pre-calculus teacher.

Just wanted to make sure you were aware that this would put them a year ahead in math. This means you are writing about smart kids. Just checking.

“Why didn’t you save me? I always saved you, and that’s why he’s after me.”

The reader is going to really start disliking Taylor, she's just mean to Alice! And Alice seems so sweet.

But, I already had. And, of course, he couldn’t save me because he was simply never around.

Who is this knight? Is she talking about the nameless, dark-haired guy? I'm so confused. It sort of sounds like she's talking about her dad (hahahahahaha) cause she's saying someones never around... nevermind. It's still kind of funky, you need to clarify.


I really enjoyed this, it was written quite well, and I could totally relate to everything: the way Taylor and Alice greet eachother, having a baby crush on a nameless guy, having a gross guy hit on you, etc.

PM for questions
-Lena





"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
— Martin Luther King Jr.