Young Writers Society

I thought that the poem was good, but there didn't seem to be a rhyme scheme at all. It also is kind of a topic that's been done to death. Good title, it fits in with the meaning of the poem. Change a few things in the rhyme, and try to make it more original, and I think you could go far with this. ^_~

OK...this is seriously going to torment me now. This poem is terrible! **hides in despair**

Great job bubbles! I saw this as voted best poem and I went to check it out. You did a really great job on this and I can't think of anything to crit, even if it was a bit angsty.

well, I disagree with the others. I really liked this and I don't think you should change it. I got a perfect view of what you were saying. It was awesome and I liked it ALOT! But I saw it more as a boyfriend-girlfriend thing instead of a MOM thing. So I DO wish you hadn't explained that. I thought the picture was better as a bf-gf fight than anything else. Good job!

I think what got me the most was the starting of each line. Each line seemed to go into another topic. However, I know how you feel about writing something after something has occured. I do this as well.

Why should it matter to you anyway, the way I am
And what I think is my business not yours

I'm with Crysi, it's not your best, but with a little work it could be better than it is. Your anger probably separated yourself from the poem, the poem's sort of about what you were screaming at your mother (Not saying you have no right to scream at your mother, I do it from time to time) not what you felt about it. Does that make sense? Hope so.

Mmm...hmmm...not your best, but...with a few word changes, could be cured of the numbness. I think thats what happened, you were so angry at your mother that your words were numb to yourself. Soemtimes one should write something when angry, then set it aside, and rewrite it with more emotion...as paradoxal as it sounds, try it. Now that the fight is over. reread this piece and put your emotion into it, instead of just letting your emotion talk it.

Ya, I guess you have to really strive to make it original, since a ton of people write this kind of poem. You could do that by like adding examples of your anger, why you're a monster, like Incandescance said.

I agree with Brad. I would have said it myself if I'd known how. This really didn't stand out for me-like Brad said, it could have been written by anybody. Show us that it was written by you.

This is not an apology for my below comment.

I really was not pleased with this. What could have been a beautiful and moving poem was mutated into a teenage rant about her parents (Mother, to be specific). The word "monster" was not a very good adjective for the situation, I don't believe. Saying you're a monster isn't original, either. You could explain why you are a monster, without actually saying it, or you could just a give a much better description of what it is you are to your mother. "Heartless" goes with "monster," so saying "heartless monster" is rather redundant. You might want to consider rephrasing. The word "Damn" detracted from the poem, so you might want to look at that too. It looked like you were trying to be angry instead of just being angry. Also, "live grenades," are there dead grenades? I think you mean something different, here. I got the picture of what you meant, a grenade about to explode, but "live" did not sound right to me.

You "scream" at your mother, that doesn't give me a very good image. I just see a bunch of people screaming. Surely your scream is different from their scream, and that's what I'm looking for--you. On the whole, I think anybody could have written this poem, which means you didn't put enough into it. Whether or not you still want to is your decision, but for me, this lacked you. Of all things to not include in a poem, never forget yourself.

i think it's interesting but i'm not sure what i'd think of it without your introduction so i dont' think i can simply judge the poem.