Well, this is the first time I submit a story. A prologue. It is not that long, though, but does it really matter? I'm also not very good with prologues, and that's because I don't tend to write them. Now I've tried and I want to know what you think about it. I have not started to write the story, because I don't know if I'm going to write it yet. If it turns out that people want to read the rest after reading this prologue, that would be just great.
I hope you will review this prologue and help me to improve myself.
[new] ~ [final]
The Robyn Academy ~ The prologue
The first nightmare
I bent down over a ceramic sink in a bathroom I’ve never been into. How did I end up here? The last thing I could remember was that I lay on the bed; reading a book called Alice in Wonderland.
I took a look around. The bathroom was small; too small for my taste. The walls were black and the dim light hardly made the room any brighter. The floor was covered with dust and dirt and could have had use for a wash. Spider’s webs hung in the corners and black spiders climbed the ceiling. Those spiders really annoyed me. I couldn’t press myself up against the wall to get out of their way either. Don’t get me wrong. I like spiders; you know the ones you keep in bed when you’re asleep. They are cute, but these ones? No way.
I found out that my hands were resting on each side of the sink. The sink was ice cold, and suddenly it felt like my head was about to explode. I had to pinch my eyes again. Where did all this pain come from anyway? I couldn’t remember having any sort of pain while reading. Not even a little bit.
After several minutes in pain I looked up. There was a pale girl looking back at me. Her eyes were red and it looked like she had been crying. Her long blonde hair was a big mess and it was all dirty; just like the rest of her skinny upper body. I wondered where all that dirt came from? It had to come from outside, though; a garden or a forest maybe?
I lifted my right hand up to touch her, and she lifted her left at the same time. I began to be suspicious. There was something strange with this girl and when our hands met I came to the conclusion that I was correct. Her fingertips were too cold and I had to pull my own hand back.
When I looked closer at her I could see that she didn’t wear more clothes than a dirty night gown. Everything outside were covered in white snow; it was winter.
I stared at the girl’s red eyes for a long time, and every single moment she stared back at me with the same expression on her face. She started to freak me out.
When I realized why, I opened my mouth to scream, but there was no sound coming out. The girl did the same thing. I could rather not hear any sound coming out of her mouth.
The thing was that I was looking in a mirror. The girl I saw in front of me was just a reflection; a reflection of myself. The skinny girl with the long blond hair was now me. Me. I couldn’t believe it. I wouldn’t believe it, either. I stared in the mirror while I tried to figure out how this had happened.
“Gwen!” I heard someone shout from a place that seemed miles away before everything suddenly turned black. Before I knew it, I looked at the ceiling of my own bedroom…
shubhiloves2write wrote:*Review*
Was the girl out the same girl from beginning or she changes later to become Gwen?
Nice Prologue, dear and you should continue it.
you have major problem with 'did'. Your grammar needs serious work. Why is it called Robyn Academy? I hope you will come onto that later as this is just a prologue. This is just how a prologue is meant to be like.
I bent down over a sink in a bathroom I’ve never been into. How did I ended#FF4000 ">(you never use past form with did') up here? The last thing I could remember was that I lay on the bed; reading a book called Alice in Wonderland.
I took a look around. The bathroom was small; too small for my taste. The walls were black and the dim light hardly made the room any brighter. The floor was covered with dust and dirt and could have had usefora wash. Spider’s webshang#FF4000 ">hung in the corners and black spiders climbed the ceiling.
My hands rested on each side of the ceramic sink while I pinched my eyes again. It felt like my head was going to explode any minute. Where did all this pain come from? I couldn’t remember having thisduring my reading.#FF4000 ">while reading
After several minutes#FF4000 ">, I looked up. I was looking out of a window, and a skinny girl with long blond hair looked back at me from the other side.
I lifted my right hand up to touch the window, and the girl lifted her left at the same time. She put her hand over mine.
The window was cold as ice. That girl had to be freezing cold. Why was she outside in the first place? I#FF4000 ">t was winter after all and she didn’twore#FF0000 ">wear(the same mistake) more clothes than a dirty night gown.
I stared at the girl with wide eyes for a long time, and everyminute#FF4000 ">time(looks better) she stared back at me with the same look on her face.
When I realised why, I opened my mouth to scream but there was no sound coming out. The girl on the on the other side of what I though#FF0000 ">t was a window did the same thing.
The thing was that this wasn’t a window; but a mirror. The girl who reflected in the mirror was me. Me. The skinny girl with the long blond hair was now me. I couldn’t believe it. I looked like a ghost.
“Gwen!” I heard someone shout from a place that seemed miles away before everything suddenly turned black. Before I knew it, I looked at the ceiling of my own bedroom…
Yo, this is Saya, first time reviewing.
Your prologue captured my attention, though it sounded like sarcasm. (No offense.)
Anyway, keep writing! I look forward to the next part.
Valentine wrote:Here as requested. Sorry it took so long. I forgot about my wrff after nobody posted in it for like two weeks.
*Review*
~Valentine
Here as requested. Sorry it took so long. I forgot about my wrff after nobody posted in it for like two weeks.
I don't have to much to critique after to all the other people before me. I don't want to sound mean, but it wasn't really my kind of thing, so I didn't really like it. The sentences were awkward, randomly throwing in bits of extra info in the middle. i think it has potential though. At first, I though you were like rewriting Alice in Wonderland, but later found out that you weren't. For future reference, if you really want to hook somebody into your writing, at least in my opinion, your going to either put more in, or don't have everything happen so quickly in like two sentence paragraphs. I guess for a first go it was okay. But, I'm sure in the future I'll be back with much more positive reviews.
~Valentine
Mr.Knightley wrote:*Review*
-Knightley
Bubblegum, I have to say, this is head and shoulders above your last version! Great, great job! I don't know how you could turn things around so quickly, but it's clear that you definitely took everyone's advice to heart and used it to make it better! I'm completely surprised. 
There were a few typos here and there, but I can't hold it against you, especially since this is translated from another language (I...think?). Just...good work. 
I could dance for you right now! Heehee!
-Knightley
KitxKat wrote:*Review*
Good job!
Hey, I'm KitxKat, or Kat, as I'm trying to be known as, and I'm here to review your works.
I feel like it went a tiny bit too fast for my taste. Instead of telling the reader, SHOW the reader, Use the senses.
I find the interesting-like a true prologue should be. I like the cliff hanger.
But I feel like there should be more dialogue.
Good job!
Nephthys wrote:*Review*
Overall I like this prologue quite a bit. I think it is much better than the original. Yay!
bubblegum wrote:I bent down over a sink in a bathroom I’ve never been into.
Good start!bubblegum wrote:the dim light didn’t seem to make the room brighter.
bubblegum wrote:Why would anyone want to place a window in a bathroom?
bubblegum wrote:“Gwen!” I heard someone shout from a place that seemed miles away before everything suddenly turned black. Before I knew it, I looked at the ceiling of my own bedroom…
Demeter wrote:*Review*
Good luck with the story and just tell me if you need any help!
Demeter
x
Hi Bubble!
So one thing that stood out for me in this prologue was the amount of telling you did. Instead of showing the reader how a character makes their way to the kitchen, for example, you just say: "She went to the kitchen." Sure, the reader gets a basic idea about the events when you do it like this, but there's not much room for anything else. You should, I don't know, describe how her hair gets to her eyes because of the fan next to the kitchen door or something. Haha, I'm not very good at coming up with examples of "show, don't tell", but this article might give you an idea about it.
Cleona stared up in the ceiling. She couldn’t sleep so she went up and decided to go for a walk.
After she heard her stomach rumble, she decided to go down to the kitchen and find something to eat.
There were two figures standing by the fireplace, talking with what they thought were low voices.
“I told you no later than yesterday, Gordon, that I don’t have a clue,” one of them reported to the other.
“What is this pretty lady up to at this part of the night?” The one who hold her against the wall said in a tone that he thought was seductive.
However, it does pose problems -- things that are idiomatic in Norwegian, or Finnish, necessarily aren't that in English. That makes the translation often stiff and strange, and not as smooth as it would be if it was written originally in English. So I would suggest going through this very carefully, trying to forget that it's a translation. Try to read it as if it wasn't a translation by you, but an originally English text by someone else. This sort of a role taking will probably help you notice better the mistakes and the parts that sound odd. You're very brave for trying to translate, though, because it's not usually as easy as it seems. Mr.Knightley wrote:*Review*
-Knightley
Hey there, Bubblegum! I'm here to review like you asked!
Okay...for a prologue, I think this needs some work. The whole idea behind the prologue is to hook the reader from the start and make them want to read more. It didn't have that effect on me. I would suggest revising it again and really looking at what could make it exciting.
That being said, however, I think you're doing great! Your punctuation and wording is nice and neat, which is always a relief to see.
Hmm...Sorry this is so short, but I can't seem to find anything else to say about this right now. If you have any questions or would like another review, please don't hesitate to ask! Also, tell me if you post more or revise this; I would love to watch your progress!
-Knightley
Thank you, guys. This is really helpful. Before I start writing on the story, maybe I should rewrite this prologue first? And then submit it.. : )
bubblegum wrote:Cleona turned around quickly when she heard voices coming from a room in the hallway.
callmelola wrote:She walked with light steps, trying to make as little sound as possible.
callmelola wrote: Two figures were standing by the fireplace talking with low voices, or so they thought.
callmelola wrote:Cleona wondered who they were looking for, and tried to come up with an answer.
callmelola wrote:When the two figures, obviously men,
I really like this Prolouge. It is a great story and I can't wait to see what is going to happen.
Dragonet wrote:*Review*
Over all I really liked it. You should definitely continue the story. I'm curious to see who the main character is.
bubblegum wrote:Well, this is the first time I submit a story. A prologue. It is not that long, though, but does it really matter? I'm also not very good with prologues, and that's because I don't tend to write them. Now I've tried and I want to know what you think about it. By the way, Cleona is not the main character in the story itself, but she has a bi-role. And I have not started to write the story, because I know if I'm going to write it yet. If it turns out that people want to read the rest after reading this prologue, that would be great.
I hope you will review this prologue and help me to improve myself.
Cleona turned around quickly when she heard voices coming from a room in the hallway. She walked with light steps, trying to make as little sound as possible.
When she reached the door she tried to see through the narrow doorway. #000080 ">Doorway? Maybe window would work better Two figures were standing by the fireplace talking with low voices, #000080 ">I don't think the comma gives enough of a pause. Try this ... or this ; or so they thought.
“I told you no later than yesterday, Gordon, that I don’t have a clue,” one of them reported to the other. “But when I know something, you will be the first to know.”
“William, how many times do I have to tell you this?” A new voice said, obviously irritated. “If you don’t find her location within the week is over #000080 ">Take out the 'is over' I don’t think Adrian will be very pleased.”
Cleona wondered who they were looking for, and tried to come up with an answer.
When the two figures, obviously men, started moving toward the door she stood behind #000080 ">the 'stood behind' could be taken out, but it doesn't really matter , she panicked and ran as fast as she could toward the nearest door and tried to open it. It was locked. She tried the next one, but before she was out of sight someone grabbed her night gown. #000040 ">In this sentence you forgot to mention that the door was unlocked and she was able to get through This someone pushed her against the wall, while a new #000080 ">I'd use 'another' instead of 'new,' but that's just me figure approached.
“What is this pretty lady up to at this part of the night?” The one who hold #000080 ">held not hold her against the wall said in a tone that he thought was seductive. ”Shouldn’t you have been asleep?” the other one asked before she could reply. #000080 ">You should probably start a new paragraph here since someone else is talking
“What I do at night is none of your business,” she hissed. “Now, will you please let me go back to my room so I can get some sleep?” She was getting annoyed. It wasn’t her fault that she had overheard them. They shouldn’t have conversations like that in the middle of the night, she realized. #000080 ">Is she supposed to be thinking this? If not then you should leave out the 'she realized'
The one who pushed her against the wall pushed a little harder. She could feel pain go through her twist he was holding, too. #000080 ">Maybe it's just me, but this sentence doesn't make sense, maybe it's a typo?
“Listen, silly girl,” he threatened. “I don’t know what you heard, but if you tell as much a soul about what you’ve heard or seen tonight, you will regret.”
“Seriously, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she lied, faking a smile.
“I think you know exactly what I’m talking about,” he said harsh#000080 ">ly before he let go of her.
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