Young Writers Society

Hey, Brainy, here as you requested.

I like the image in the ending a lot. However, this is an edited version, and having skimmed the reviews other people have given to you, I can say that I preferred the original ending. What I believe happened is that you went a bit excited with your editing and coming up with alternative ways to express yourself, and you ended up changing stuff you wouldn't have had to. I mean, sure, nothing is ever perfect, but I just think "give me your opinion" is much weaker than "please let me know". It also seems a little odd -- you would say "give me your opinion" when you're wondering if a dress looks good on you or something. But in this case, the narrator wants to know what's going on between them and the other person, and it seems they're desperate -- so the edited ending just sort of doesn't get there.

Do I still live there,

I could accept this,
so long as I'm with you.

Hey Chic,

This was a good lil' poem lot of power in just a little bit, and i thin you picked a topic that most people can relate to. - Kudos

had strong ballad stanza feel until about halfway through and those are always fun to read. Than it breaks in the 5th line, its Great timing. Almost as if the narrator realizes that they are just a minor memory, its like they trip over the thought. Than the rest of the poem is random - like freedom, free verse - you know? I really like it.

The message in a bottle is a classic.

Thank you all so much for the reviews. They are much appreciated.

I will take all of your advice into considersation.

Hey!

I love the simplicity, and found it very relatable. I wish it rhymed here and there, or maybe an alliteration or two. Other than that I enjoyed it.

Love and all that jazz.
Herzing

Hey there! Cool poem you have here, I think you've got some good lines but maybe you could add some more imagery and make it flow a little more smoothly. Here's a few suggestions:

As I lie awake at night, [I'd like to see a slightly more creative first line. Maybe you could have something like, 'I can't catch my sleep at night,' or, 'As my mind unfolds at night']
I wonder where we stand. [Maybe lay instead of stand? That would connect to the bed/ night imagery and you could add another line with a little more description. Like, 'In cocoons tucked out of sight']
Do you still feel the same?
Do I still live in your heart?
Or do I live only in your memories? [Sometimes a question in a poem is good but three all so close together lose their power. I'd suggest re-phrasing. Possibly change those last two lines to something like,
'Here's my chamber in your heart,
do you still have the key
or is it a wilting memory?']
You’re so far away, I could understand,
I could accept the change.
But I don’t want to. [Your grammar is a little strange here. Perhaps instead of ending the previous or next lines with full stops, have brackets around this line so that the flow isn't disrupted.]
So please let me know.
Send me a message in a bottle.

This poem is so thoughtfull and emotionall! It would have been nice if you rhymed, but I love it w/o the rhyming!

Hey Brainy! Tigress here to review for you yet again!

Now before I start, I just want to say that your poetry is lovely. I'm not very good at critiquing, but I love to read it and tell you what I think needs work and what I happened to love about it.

What I disliked:
Some of your lines were short and sweet while others took up way to much space. I suggest looking over your lines and either making them shorter or longer. I liked the short lines such as -

As I lie awake at night,
I wonder where we stand.
Do you still feel the same?
Do I still live in your heart?

I could accept the change.
But I don’t want to.
So please let me know.
Send me a message in a bottle.