z

Young Writers Society



The Curse Beset on Me - short story

by anime-girl13


I stood in front of the mirror, brushing my pixie style hairdo, with bangs that grazed my eyebrows above my sky blue eyes. Each time the comb went through my medium brown hair, it made it shine like silk. Adjusting my bangs so they were swept to one side, I put the comb on my cream colored vanity. Then I reached into my jewelry box and grabbed my favorite pair of earrings, which were small orange with brown stripe cats with blood-red bows tied around their necks. Quickly, I put them on.

I reached into my jewelry box again, and this time I came out with a mood bracelet, and ring with a golden butterfly on it, and a handmade necklace strung with beads. Putting them on, I looked at what I was wearing. What I had on consisted of a blue tank top, which was over a white shirt. Over that, a lavender, zip-up sweater. And for pants, I had flared jeans with flowers along the legs. 'I look perfect!' I thought. I was getting ready for my birthday party; I couldn't believe that I was finally thirteen, a teenager! Suddenly, the doorbell rang. I looked at my clock on the wall, which read 2:45. My party started at 3:00, so it couldn't be anyone I had invited over. I ran downstairs and opened the door. In the doorway stood a mail carrier.

"Are you Aliza Monroe?"

"Yes."

"I have a package for you," The mail carrier said as she lifted up a package from the porch and put it in my arms.

"Thanks," I said, groaning and the weight of the box.

"Be careful there, that box sure is heavy!" She said, smiling.

"Thanks," I said again. We stood for a few seconds in awkward silence; the only sound was some leaves rustling in the wind. Finally, the mail carrier turned and started to walk away. I closed the front door and waited to hear the motor start again and for the mail truck to drive off before I set down the box.

I went into the kitchen to grab a pair of scissors out of the scissors jar, and quickly jogged back to the package. It lay there on the entry rug, just waiting for me to open it. I wondered what kind of present was concealed inside. I sliced through the tape with the scissors like it was butter. But, before I opened the box, I checked for a return address. There wasn't one. Instead of investigating, I opened the flaps on the box. There, at the bottom of the package, lay a small, black tin box.

I took the tin box out, turning it around in my hands. 'That's funny,' I thought. 'It's as heavy as the package.' I turned it around again to look at the front. There, painted in red, were the words: Open If You Dare. I laughed under my breath. If someone thought that would scare me, they obviously didn't know me. I slowly pried it open, for it felt like it was glued shut. Finally, it was wide open. There was nothing in it. I turned it upside down, shaking it. I put it on the ground and stared at it. Slowly, a purple smoke wafted up from the opening. Suddenly, there was a loud boom and a flash. There in front of me now stood a woman. She tilted her head back and cackled in a dry scratchy voice. She then looked at me, her green eyes glimmering with evil. Then she snapped her fingers so suddenly, I jumped. There beside her now stood a black cat with eyes like emeralds. "You have set me free. My name is Zelda, and now you are my servant!" Then she laughed again.

"But…" I tried to protest, but before I could, she snapped her fingers again, zipping my mouth shut. I mean zipped, for a zipper now lay across my lips, sealing them shut. She leaned forward to inspect her work. "Hmm…" She murmured. "Not what I wanted, but it will have to do." She stood up straight and snapped her fingers for a third time. Now, a broom levitated by her side. She cocked her finger at me and I felt myself lift from the floor. Frantically, I kicked left and right, hoping to break free from her spell. But it didn't work. I coasted to a stop by her broom and then I was lifted again, higher this time, onto her broom. Zelda leaped onto her broom, followed by her cat, which immediately curled up on her lap and closed her eyes. Zelda then chanted:

"Broom, broom under me,

Fly me to where I seek!"

We flew out an open window and up into the sky so fast that my insides squished down, like they do on roller coasters. I looked down and what I saw made tears spring to my eyes, for my home town was now only small dots. I looked at Zelda, she had her head leaned back and her petite figure was framed by the sun. For a second, she looked beautiful, but the moment was ruined when Zelda turned around and said to me in a raspy voice, "What are you looking at?" I turned around again and watched the city until in disappeared in the distance.

_________________________________________________

It has been 20 years since that day and you would hardly recognize me. My hair is tangled, dirty, and has faded to a light brown. It drags on the floor behind me, making it turn black on the tips. My back looks like a burnt marshmallow, for it is covered in scabs from the many times Zelda has beaten me for not doing my chores and for the two times I have unzipped my lips. The only thing you will recognize about me is my sad, sky blue eyes.


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Thu Dec 24, 2009 3:48 am
Angels-Symphony wrote a review...



Hey Animegirl ^^ Shina here ;) Just passing by real quick, so I'll only mention one thing:

I stood in front of the mirror, brushing my pixie style hairdo, with bangs that grazed my eyebrows above my sky blue eyes. Each time the comb went through my medium brown hair, it made it shine like silk. Adjusting my bangs so they were swept to one side, I put the comb on my cream colored vanity. Then I reached into my jewelry box and grabbed my favorite pair of earrings, which were small orange with brown stripe cats with blood-red bows tied around their necks. Quickly, I put them on.


... You need to remember to be more descriptive, and less specific. You're just listing things rather than giving your reader the opportunity to imagine it on their own. Your character also sounds like a mary-sue considering you're only talking about her perfection. The transitions are also a bit abrupt.

Remember only to write things that are relevant to the story. So unless the fact that her favorite pair of earrings were brown-orange with cat stripes with blood-red bows tied around them has something to do with the storyline, take it out.

PM me if you have any questions ^^

Happy Holidays!
-Shina




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Thu Dec 24, 2009 2:41 am
Fallenangel27 says...



I like it. it's creepy, but in a good way. I am so glad that's not me. I like the fact you had a epilouge, telling what happend afterwards. That way i'm not super curious to know what happened. Good short story!!




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Wed Dec 23, 2009 3:12 am
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TigerShaard says...



awwww....gold star for making me sad : )




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Tue Dec 22, 2009 10:44 pm
anime-girl13 says...



Thank you so much for all the help! :D




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Tue Dec 22, 2009 9:49 pm
Eliza:) wrote a review...



I stood in front of the mirror, brushing my pixie style hairdo, with bangs that grazed my eyebrows above my sky blue eyes. Each time the comb went through my medium brown hair, it made it shine like silk. I adjusted my bangs so they were swept to one side and put the comb on my cream colored vanity. I reached into my jewelry box and grabbed my favorite pair of earrings, which were small orange with brown stripe cats with blood-red bows tied around their necks. I quickly put them on.

Almost every sentence starts the same way throughout the whole story. Put some variety in the sentences.

'I look perfect!' I thought.

Put thoughts in italics.

I couldn't believe that I was finally 13, a teenager!

Spell out numbers.

I looked at my clock on the wall, only 2:45, my party started at 3:00, so it couldn't be anyone I had invited over.

This is a run-on sentence. You could easily split it into at least two sentences.

I ran downstairs and opened the door, in the doorway stood a mail carrier.

Make another sentence after door.

"I have a package for you," The mail carrier said as she lifted up a package from the porch and put it in my arms. "Thanks," I said, groaning and the weight of the box. "Be careful there, that box sure is heavy!" She said, smiling. "Thanks," I said again.

Start a new paragraph when someone else starts talking.

The only thing you will recognize about me is my sad, sky blue eyes.

How sad.

Overall, your story is good. The only problems are sentence variety and run-on sentences.





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