Young Writers Society

amiemalamie wrote:This again fits with the other poems I have submitted on here, which all tell the story of a girl who eventually commits suicide.

Once I stood in my human binds

#FF0000 ">(#FF0000 ">shouldn't this be bonds? since binds is a word that i am pretty sure does not exist)

I had smelled his demonic stench
Weighing heavy on my lungs
His carcass lay deep as he
Painted me black

#FF0000 ">(as it was said before I'm not sure you can smell demons and the carcass bit is a bit random and does not make sense. as for the painted me black bit? i don't get it...why would he paint you black?)

#FF0000 ">other then these things it's a really good poem...better then mine i believe

First thing, after reading your disclaimer, if the poem tells a story, shouldn't it be in narritive, like your other one? Just a thought.

Who had no right to steal/That which, to him/Did not belong.

That is a bit awkward just because it is so out of plce with the other lines. And it just seems odd. I cannot really describe what it is that annoys me about it. Sorry.

I had smelled his demonic stenchWeighing heavy on my lungs/His carcass lay deep as he/Painted me black/Abandoned by Artemis

. I don't know if you can smell demons but I certainly can't, so I have no idea what a demonic stench is. You may want to be a bit clearer on that.
Err, the carass thing seems a little random. And the painted me black, what does that mean? I have no idea what so ever. (sorry, I am feeling stpid from all of this.)

Other than that, I like the story/poem thing. Good job.

Goo luck, keep writing.

Silented1.