z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Whispers from yester(decade)

by Youbeaucupid


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

(I didn't know what rating to put this under; there is some mention of: violence and gore. So please be mindful, enjoy!)

In the heart of a once-bustling town lay an abandoned mall, its corridors now echoing with the whispers of forgotten memories. The air hung heavy with the scent of mildew and decay, suffusing the atmosphere with a musty tang that clung to every surface. Dust mites danced lazily in the faint light that filtered through the cracked skylights overhead, casting eerie shadows upon the worn linoleum floors.

But for a group of adventurous teens, it became a sanctuary for their mischievous escapades. Ryker, Jayden, Noah, and Lyra ventured into the decrepit mall one dreary afternoon, seeking refuge from the monotony of their small-town lives. As they strolled through the deserted hallways, their laughter bounced off the dilapidated storefronts, filling the air with a sense of youthful exuberance.

The dim, flickering light fixtures cast uneven shadows across the peeling wallpaper and crumbling facades of the abandoned shops, lending an otherworldly quality to the scene. The once vibrant storefronts now lay in disarray, their windows boarded up or shattered, their faded signs barely legible amidst the layers of grime and neglect.

"Can you believe this place used to be packed with people?" Jayden remarked, his voice tinged with awe as he ran his fingers along the dusty shelves of an abandoned bookstore. The sound of his fingertips brushing against the forgotten tomes echoed through the desolate corridors, accompanied by the occasional creak of aging floorboards beneath their feet.

"It's like a ghost town now," Noah added, his eyes scanning the faded advertisements plastered on the walls. The remnants of a bygone era stared back at them from peeling posters and weathered billboards, their colors faded and their messages obscured by time.

Despite the eerie atmosphere that hung heavy in the air, the teens found solace in each other's company as they navigated the abandoned mall's labyrinthine corridors. The echoes of their footsteps reverberated off the crumbling walls, mingling with the distant hum of traffic from the outside world.

"Weird how places like this just get left behind," Jayden remarked, his voice tinged with a mix of curiosity and sadness as he looked through the glass of an old display case. The faint scent of mold and decay lingered in the air, a testament to the mall's gradual descent into disrepair.

"Yeah, it's like time just stopped here," Noah added, his gaze sweeping over the faded signs and forgotten relics of a bygone era. The sound of their voices seemed to fade into the distance, swallowed up by the vast emptiness of the abandoned mall.

Their conversation ebbed and flowed as they explored, each step bringing them deeper into the heart of the abandoned mall. The faint rustle of decaying paper mingled with the soft sigh of the breeze that filtered through broken windows, creating a symphony of sound that underscored their journey into the unknown.

Eventually, their wanderings led them to a hidden oasis—a secluded courtyard bathed in the soft glow of sunlight filtering through the shattered skylights above. A shimmering waterfall cascaded into a tranquil pool, its gentle murmur providing a soothing backdrop to their conversation.

As they settled onto a weathered bench overlooking the water, their chatter subsided into a comfortable silence, punctuated only by the occasional splash of a passing fish. The sweet scent of blooming flowers drifted on the breeze, mingling with the earthy aroma of damp moss and algae that clung to the fountain's stone edges.

"This place is kinda magical, isn't it?" Lyra mused, her gaze drifting out across the courtyard, her voice barely above a whisper amidst the tranquil surroundings. The distant chirping of birds added to the serene ambiance, their songs echoing off the crumbling walls of the courtyard.

"Yeah, it's like we're in our own little world," Ryker agreed, a hint of wonder in his voice as he took in the serene surroundings. The warmth of the sunlight on his skin and the gentle rustle of leaves in the breeze filled him with a sense of peace he hadn't felt in years.

As they basked in the tranquility of their surroundings, the faint strains of music filled the air. At first, it was barely discernible—a faint melody drifting through the abandoned mall like a long-forgotten memory.

"What's that sound?" Lyra asked, her brow furrowing in confusion as she strained to listen.

Ryker frowned, his gaze darting around the courtyard. "It sounds like...music?"

The teens exchanged puzzled glances, their curiosity piqued by the unexpected sound. But before they could unravel the mystery, the music intensified, the familiar notes of "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong echoing through the courtyard with haunting clarity.

"Wait, I thought you said the speakers didn't work," Noah exclaimed, his voice tinged with disbelief as he turned to Ryker.

"They don't," Ryker replied, his expression mirroring Noah's confusion.

As the melody swirled around them, the teens exchanged uneasy glances, their senses tingling with a mixture of apprehension and fascination. It was as if the abandoned mall itself had come to life, its forgotten echoes reaching out to touch them in ways they couldn't comprehend.

As the music continued to play, Ryker excused himself from the group, saying he needed to find the bathroom. His footsteps echoed through the deserted corridors as he made his way back toward where they had stopped by the waterfall.

But as he turned a corner, something caught his eye—a flicker of neon lights emanating from a nearby game shop. Curiosity piqued, Ryker veered off course, drawn toward the promise of adventure and distraction.

"Hey, guys!" he called out excitedly as he rejoined his friends at the waterfall. "I found this game sho..." His voice trailed off as he took in the scene before him.

His friends, who had been alive and chatting just moments ago, now lay motionless on the ground, their bodies surrounded by pools of blood that mingled with the water from the fountain. Shock rooted Ryker to the spot, his mind struggling to comprehend the horrific sight before him.

"What...what happened?" he whispered, his voice barely audible over the distorted music that filled the air.

But there was no answer, only the chilling silence that enveloped him like a shroud. And then, as if emerging from a nightmare, Ryker looked down at his hands, only to find them distorted and smeared with blood. In his right hand, he clutched a gleaming knife, its blade stained crimson with the blood of his friends.

A voice whispered in the depths of his mind, sinister and seductive. "And you'd do it again," it said, the words echoing through his fractured thoughts like a damning verdict.

Panic surged through Ryker's veins as he recoiled from the horror of his own actions. Frantically, he searched for any trace of the innocent boy he once knew, but all he found was a stranger staring back at him from the depths of his own reflection—a stranger stained with blood and consumed by darkness.

With a strangled cry, Ryker stumbled backward, his mind reeling with the weight of his guilt and despair. Ryker dropped the knife, it clattered to the floor echoing throughout the mall. He walked back towards the game shop, thinking that maybe it was just a mirage.

But as he walked past the shop he could've sworn he heard something clatter from inside.

A cold sweat broke out across his brow as he scanned the small shop, his senses on high alert. And then, he saw it—a figure standing in the corner, its features obscured by the darkness. A chill swept through Ryker's veins as he walked towards the figure.

A mirror.

It was him—his own reflection staring back at him with eyes as dark as midnight. But there was something different about this version of himself, something sinister and otherworldly. It grinned at him, a twisted mockery of his own face, as a voice whispered in the depths of his mind, "We never liked those friend did we, Ryker?"

Panic surged through Ryker's veins as he stumbled backward, desperate to escape the suffocating embrace of the game shop. But no matter how hard he tried, the darkness followed him, wrapping its tendrils around his soul and dragging him deeper into the abyss.

And as the echoes of his own screams filled the abandoned mall, Ryker knew that he was trapped—trapped in a nightmare of his own making, with no hope of escape. For in the heart of the abandoned mall, where whispers of forgotten memories lingered, there was no salvation, only endless torment.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
34 Reviews


Points: 2904
Reviews: 34

Donate
Sat Feb 24, 2024 10:52 am
View Likes
Coffeewriter wrote a review...



Woah. This one was honestly a HUGE change of genre! Amazing work, once again! I love how the death of his friends was so sudDeN and unexpected. Additionally, the suspense that was created was AWESOME he must be have been tormented by thoughts like:
‘Did I do this?! No-o, I couldn’t have I was walking away, I wasn’t even here-‘
‘IT’S NOT POSSIBLE, THEY’RE MY FRIENDS!’
‘I don’t even recognise myself, how is this me? Is my mind playing tricks on me? Is this a nightmare? Who am I??’
This is awesome and terrifying to think about too. My favourite scene though, has to be this one:
‘ A mirror.

It was him—his own reflection staring back at him with eyes as dark as midnight. But there was something different about this version of himself, something sinister and otherworldly. It grinned at him, a twisted mockery of his own face, as a voice whispered in the depths of his mind, "We never liked those friend did we, Ryker?"’
This scene and the scene after that too are CHEF’S KISS, descriptive and portraying how twisted humans can be or something more otherworldly and terrifying. You left a good amount of suspense enough to let the reader decide what happened to him, did he ReAllY kill his friends or is something more sinister after this? Is it just a figment of his imagination and is he insane?? Overall, ♾️/♾️ as usual, Cupid!💘 Have a good morning/day/night/evening/afternoon!!




Youbeaucupid says...


Good morning Coffee! Thank you for reading my story, I'm so glad you enjoyed it!! (I don't usually write suspense so I really didn't know how this would turn out, but I'm glad the finished product was wonderful <3<33)



Coffeewriter says...


:D You should write more if you want to! It will definitely be a hit!



User avatar
40 Reviews


Points: 2858
Reviews: 40

Donate
Sat Feb 24, 2024 4:52 am
View Likes
avianwings47 says...



OOoooOo this one gave me chills! I audibly gasped at multiple places! (I think that's a good thing...)




Youbeaucupid says...


Haha, thank you for reading Av! I'm glad you enjoyed <33



User avatar
269 Reviews


Points: 48961
Reviews: 269

Donate
Tue Feb 20, 2024 6:10 pm
View Likes
RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello Again, My Friend!

It's me, Raven, and I'd like to review your new story using my Familiar method today! Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh…

What The Black Eyes See...

This piece proved that you have a knack for horror writing! The atmosphere of the abandoned mall was a bit eerie at first, before being transformed by the enchanting descriptions of the courtyard. Just when I'm fooled into thinking the story will end on a wistful and nostalgic note, everything is shattered and gives way to a creepy finale that leaves the reader shocked -and gives us a mystery to ponder. Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

From my perspective, I spied no errors, so great job on that! I could personally imagine a *little* more dialogue between the group before the melody disrupts them. Perhaps to build a little more connection between them and/or this place, or to allude to Ryker's incoming disconnect.

However, that is only my opinion, and I am not a professional. I still thoroughly enjoyed the story regardless, it was a very quality piece ~

Why The Grin Widened...

Okay, there's no way I can talk about highlights and favorite moments without bringing up your powerful descriptions. Everything created such a vivid, sensory environment in my mind that made it so easy to follow what was happening, and they immediately formed the tone of the story in the moment. Like here:

The sound of their voices seemed to fade into the distance, swallowed up by the vast emptiness of the abandoned mall.


This felt like an especially strong and poetic descriptor; I can so clearly imagine the depth of those corridors, and their voices just fading into the distance as if they were literally swallowed by the mall. It -and the prior use of the term "labyrinthine" for this place- gave a very "Backrooms" kind of feel, so I immediately got that sense of uneasiness, just imagining getting lost there. Then, of course, that led here:

As they settled onto a weathered bench overlooking the water, their chatter subsided into a comfortable silence, punctuated only by the occasional splash of a passing fish. The sweet scent of blooming flowers drifted on the breeze, mingling with the earthy aroma of damp moss and algae that clung to the fountain's stone edges.


In just one paragraph, that tone of uneasiness was completely flipped to something beautiful and captivating. The notes of the weathered bench and the comfortable silence gave a feeling of nostalgia, while the trickling water, splash of fish, and the notes of moss and flowers -and their accompanying aromas- created a very tranquil and zen space.

And of course, the progression from there to the twist; a faint melody leaves the reader curious, Ryker getting up just mildly disrupts the moment, the abandoned game area almost returns you to that initial eerie environment, then -BAM, horrific murder scene! And the fact that you blended it with the elements of that tranquil place we were enjoying just moments ago...

...their bodies surrounded by pools of blood that mingled with the water from the fountain.


Added to the shock value, at least I think so.

The final moment with the mirror also leaves us wondering the meaning and the cause of these deaths; is it an entity in the mall, or something more personable to Ryker that was triggered by that environment? Either way, it doesn't seem like he did it of his own volition. Very mysterious, indeed.

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, the story gave us so much to enjoy, and left at least one element to individual interpretation -something great for a mystery/horror story. Nicely done! :)

Image




Youbeaucupid says...


Hi Rav!! :D Thank you so much for taking the time to review my story with such thoughtfulness and attention to detail. I'm especially glad you enjoyed the descriptions%u2014they were meant to immerse the reader in the atmosphere of the abandoned mall and create a vivid mental landscape. Your interpretation of the transition from uneasiness to tranquility, and then back to horror, is exactly what I was aiming for.

Your feedback is incredibly valuable, and I appreciate your kind words and encouragement. Have a good day/night!! <3



User avatar


Points: 38
Reviews: 2

Donate
Tue Feb 20, 2024 3:46 pm
View Likes
doublewriter7 wrote a review...



Hello, this is going to be my first review and a large part of this is just personal opinion mixed with some attempts at critique, there's bits of babbling I'm sure.

First thing first, the way in which you describe the settings and characters is just wonderful. Every word you use helps paint a perfect image of the surroundings and more importantly, of the emotions the characters are feeling.

The characters don't have too much dialogue but that's not a problem in the slightest, the little bits of what we have are enough to give an idea to the person they were. We get the vivid idea that this is a close group of friends with distinct personalities.

Now onto what little I can critique here... I feel like the "death" moment is a fair bit too sudden, which I understand is supposed to be the point but (in my opinion) doesn't feel as interesting as it could. I feel as if it's a fault of build up mostly. Not to say that there isn't any at all, with Ryker heading to the Arcade.

Due to the tags and warnings the audience already knows something is going to happen but I feel as if there should be hints that something is "off" inside of the story too before things get bloody, though it's a fine line between giving away too little and too much.

However, this is all a matter of opinion, this is more about how I see stories, I don't believe my word to be gospel either. I do really like your writing and I don't wish to make you think I see this story badly, I like it and I'll be sure to check out your other works later on.




Youbeaucupid says...


Good morning lovely soul! Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts on my story! I really appreciate your detailed feedback and your kind words.

I'm thrilled to hear that you enjoyed the descriptions of the settings and characters. Creating vivid imagery and conveying emotions effectively is something I strive for, so it means a lot to me that you found that aspect of the story compelling. :D

I completely understand your point about the "death" moment feeling a bit sudden. You make a great observation about the balance between hinting at something ominous and not giving away too much too soon. It's definitely a delicate line to walk, and your feedback has given me some valuable perspective on how to approach that in future writing.

Once again, thank you for your thoughtful critique and for supporting my work. I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed the story overall, and I hope you'll enjoy exploring my other works as well! ^-^




It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.
— Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian