z

Young Writers Society



Always stick together Chapter 1

by XxjustmeXx


"Summer, you gotta wake up." I shake my eight year old sister's shoulder.

"Go away, Sammie." She grumbles and rolls over so she's facing away from me.

I sigh, giving up on her for now. I tip toe into our six year old brothers room to try my hand at getting him up. Switching off his tiny night light, I make my way across his messy floor and to his bed.

"Jakey, time for school." I smile as he pries his tired eyes open.

"Sam, I don't wanna go!" He pouts, turning into his pillow.

"Neither do I, Jakey. But sometimes we have to do things we don't want to." I explain calmly.

"But you told me to never let anyone make me do something I don't want to." He argues, wide awake now.

"That's different." I force my smile to stay in place.

"How?"

I sigh. "We don't have time to talk about that right now, but if you remind me when I pick you and Summer up I'll try and make it a little more clear."

He brushes a piece of dark auburn hair out of his eyes, reminding me I have to find the money to get our hair cut soon.

"Wanna help me wake summer up?" I ask, holding my hand out for him to take.

He smiles and nods excitedly, jumping out of bed. We walk across the hall to Summer's room, the clean floor a sharp contrast to Jake's.

"Go get her." I encourage, letting go of his hand.

He bounds off toward her bed, jumping up and shake her.

"Summer, get up! Come on, get up, get up, get up, get up!" He bounces up and down beside her, making her groan.

"Go away." She mumbles into her pillow.

Why couldn't we have been morning people?

"Summer, I'm trying to do this nicely but if I have to yell, I will." I warn.

I hardly ever yell at these two, all of us having heard enough screaming to last a life time, but since Mom's dead and Dad's pretty much gone off the deep end, somebody has to take charge of their lives. Unfortunately, that someone's me.

Summer grumbles a bit more, throwing the covers off angrily. I help her to stand, going over to her dresser to pick out her outfit for the day. I pull out one of my old, pink skirts, a barbie t-shirt that's pretty stained up but at least isn't ripped, a pair of socks and underwear, and pull her shoes out from her closet. I hand them to her silently, taking Jake's hand and leading him out of the room.

"Let's get you dressed and then I want you to go brush your teeth and hair while I make breakfast." I say cheerfully, pulling open drawers.

I come up with a pair of denim blue jeans, a plain green shirt, pair of socks, and his little kid boxers. I slip the outfit onto him quickly, allowing him to do everything he possibly can.

"Don't forget to use mouth wash too." I call after him as he runs down to the bathroom.

I shake my head at how hyper that boy can be this early in the morning and poke my head into Summer's room, checking to see if she's dressed.

"Almost ready?" I ask, stepping in after I've been reassured all skin is covered.

She nods, struggling to get her foot into her slip on shoes. I walk over silently, gently pushing her hands out of the way and pushing her foot in swiftly.

"Want your hair braided?" I ask, running my hands through her silky, dark auburn hair, the same color as both mine and Jake's.

"I guess." She mutters, grabbing her pink and white book bag out of her closet.

"Go brush your teeth and then bring me the brush. I'll be in the kitchen getting breakfast ready." I tell her, ruffling her bedhead hair.

I succeed in making her smile if only a little smirk before leaving the room, heading towards the sickeningly cheerfull kitchen.

I step into the bright, yellow room, opening one of the soft yellow-green cabinets and pull out two plastic bowls and one glass bowl. Setting them on the counter, I fill the stainless steal tea kettel with milk then put it on the burner to boil. While I wait for the milk to heat, I pull the box of instant oat meal down and rip three packs off the strip then replace it back on top of the refridgerator.

Summer comes in with her thick, blue brush, dragging her feet on the floor sluggishly. Jake follows behind closely, looking bright as ever. I grab one of the tan kitchen chairs and pull it to the middle of floor.

"Summer, grab a pillow to kneel on." I call over to her.

She walks into the living room where our father's snoring loudly. A couple minutes later she returns with a grey throw pillow from one of the many chairs surrounding our white couch.

"Pigtails, to the side, or straight down the back?" I ask, starting to brush the knots out of her long hair.

"To the side." She answers, rubbing her eyes sleepily.

I brush her brown hair off to the side and part it into three even strips. As I get ready to begin braiding it, the tea kettle whistles loudly. I jump up and take it off, praying it wasn't long enough to wake Dad.

I finish making the oat meal then hand the plastic bowls to my two younger siblings.

"Bring the spoon up to your mouth and try not to move if you still want me to do your hair. We don't have much time left before we have to leave." I tell her, sitting back down on the chair.

She does as I said while I do her hair and tie it off with a pink ribbon. As I'm moving the chair back, a rustling from the living room freezes us all.

Our father stumbles into the kitchen, hair the same color as mine sticking up everywhere and bleary eyed from the full night of drinking. He glares at me, as I slowly put the tea kettle into the sink and throw our trash away, deliberately not meeting his eyes. Maybe if there's no sudden movements he'll go away.

But we have no such luck. He moves up behind me and pulls his hand back, slapping me in the back of the head hard.

I bite down on my cheek, trying not to make any noise. I hear Jake whimper in the background. Dad turns on the little ones, his face full of hatred. Dread fills my stomach, making me feel like I'm about to puke. I open my mouth to say something but it's suddenly too dry to speak.

"What are you crying about? I didn't even hit you. Yet." He says in his deep, gravelly voice.

"Dad!" I call, finding my voice. "It's my fault you're up. I'm sorry. I forgot you told me not to use the tea kettle and put it on."

He turns on me, almost growling with anger. I just about shrink back with fear, but hold my ground so as not to encourage him.

"You stupid cow!" He shrieks. "Can't you do anything right?"

He pushes me up against the wall, my head hitting it with a painfull crack.

"I'm sorry." I whisper, trying hard not to let him see my fear.

I look over to Jake and Summer. Jake has a scared expression on his face but is standing in front of Summer bravely. Even though I'm currently pinned against a wall with beer breath breathing in my face, I feel a sense of pride, having taught him that we stick together and protect each other no matter what.

Dad hits me across the face with a cupped handing, causing me to whimper a bit. Great, now I'll have to explain another bruise.

He releases me, causing me to sink to the floor from the wooziness. Even as I right myself, I'm checking the time. We have about six minutes left, just enough time for me to go get dressed.

"Next time, you better remember." Dad stalks off into the living room, leaving us alone.

"I-I'm going to get dressed, you guys sit here and please, j-just don't make a sound. Dad's mad enough as it is." I say, my voice shaking.

They nod silently.

I run up the steps two at a time, still a bit disoriented from all the head blows this morning. I throw on a pair of black jean shorts, red tank top, and black jean half jacket that mom bought me when she was still alive. All of it's worn and weathered. I still can't believe it's been a year. In just a year, our whole lives changed.

I run a brush through my curly hair, the length reminding me yet again that we need our hair cut. Then I run back downstairs, grabbing my book bag on the way down.

"Ready?" I call in a quiet voice.

Summer and Jake nod their heads. I grab each of their hands and lead them out the front door.


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65 Reviews


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Sat May 21, 2011 2:23 am
dasiamari says...



I don`t agree with Fictionfanatic. I really like this, and I am waiting for you to write some more if your going to.



Keep writing ~dasiamari




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Sun May 01, 2011 9:37 pm
fictionfanatic wrote a review...



Unlike everyone else, I'm not a large fan of this.

First of all, It just seems very...rushed. Like, I don't get the feeling that you took your time, I feel as if you just wanted to hurry up and get it over with.

Second, I too have written a story about an abused child, but I did a little bit of research on it before I did. I have a feeling that that wasn't the case with you.

Third, I like the fact that the oldest kid takes some hits for her siblings. But I feel like saying "it was my fault" would completely avert his attention from one kid to another.

Fourth, in the description that you wrote of the story, you said that the dad beats his girlfriends too. Why haven't they done anything?




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Sun May 01, 2011 2:37 am
Chickensandwitch wrote a review...



Oh, this sounds interesting *glues eyes to screen* I shall attempt to nitpick this as I'm reading it, but I have a feeling I won't be able to find anything.

"Go get her." I encourage, letting go of his hand.

Phew, I found something.. I believe the "Go get her" is supposed to end in a comma instead of a period.

He bounds off toward her bed, jumping up and shaking her.


You forgot to add an "ing"

"Summer, get up! Come on, get up, get up, get up, get up!"


I like this kid :D

the stainless steal steeltea kettelkettle


Even though I'm currently pinned against a wall with beer breath breathing in my face


breath breathing... perhaps "breath blasting" or another word?

Dad hits me across the face with a cupped handing


I'm not sure what handing means. Was it a typo?


I loved this! It's probably the best thing I've seen here so far. I like all the characters (Especially Jake. I love Jake. I want a Jake.) and I really, really want to read more. This is awesome :D




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Sun May 01, 2011 2:33 am
stargazer9927 wrote a review...



I loved the story line! This is the kind of stuff I love to read about, rather than fantasy and other things that couldn't really happen.

I noticed a lot of problems with capitalization on your dialogue. Remember that the dialogue tags are still part of the original sentence so they don't need to be capitalized.

"Sam, I don't wanna go!" #FF0000 ">he pouts, turning into his pillow.

The H wouldn't need to be capitalized. There were tons more like this so when you get the chance go back and change them all. Of course this excludes proper names and the word I, as it would in a normal sentence.
"Jakey, time for school." I smile as he pries his tired eyes open.

"Sam, I don't wanna go!" He pouts, turning into his pillow.

"Neither do I, Jakey. But sometimes we have to do things we don't want to." I explain calmly.

"But you told me to never let anyone make me do something I don't want to." He argues, wide awake now.

"That's different." I force my smile to stay in place.

I think some of the dialogue tags for this entire thing were unnecessary. Having too many tags makes it sound strange and less natural. Try removing some of the unneeded ones, such as the last two so the reader still knows who's talking but then you don't overdo it.

Also remember that the dialogue tags shouldn't take the attention away from what they actually said. It's good to use interesting ones like shrieked, cried, and such, but when the tags are more interesting than the dialogue you have a problem. Don't be afraid to just use said:)

I had a hard time with the father's character. This is clearly a sad and abusive story but I didn't see the father as someone that could actually exist. I don't know how to explain it. Some of the things he did and said such as:
"You stupid cow!" He shrieks. "Can't you do anything right?"

made me wonder whether or not I could actually see someone doing this. He just seemed a little too exaggerated to me. Does that make sense?

I loved the story as a whole and I absolutely loved the main character. Anyone who's willing to sacrifice all that to keep their family together and is willing to be the mom even though they don't have to is great in my book.

I hope to read the next chapter *clicks follow*




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Sun May 01, 2011 2:24 am
jellybean wrote a review...



When I first started reading this, I didn't think I would be able to get into it, but then I really started to enjoy it. You have a very powerful story line going on here.

Your beginning didn't really hook me. It was good, but it would be better if you started off with a little bit of tension. Maybe you could start with some emotions from Sammie. How does she feel about the loss of her mother? How does she feel about having to care for her younger siblings? She seems cheerful and patient, but is it all just an act for the kids? How is she really feeling?

My stomach actually clenched when Sammie's father was being a (for lack of a better word) jerk. You added in just the right amount of emotion and description. I absolutely can't stand drunkenness and abuse so this story really struck a nerve (which is good) and I instantly felt a connection with your main character.

The whole "Mom is dead and Dad's gone off the deep end" is a little overdone in my opinion, but I think you can take this in new directions. :)

I'm looking forward to Chapter 2!

- Jelly




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Sun May 01, 2011 2:12 am
Soulkana wrote a review...



Near the beginning you have the main character asking the little brother if he wanted to help wake Summer up but you forget to capitalize her name. Other than that I didn't find any spelling errors. I hope to read more of this soon and good luck!! You did amazing in this and I can't wait for more!!! Keep up the awesome works!!! May you receive many helpful reviews and Happy Writing!!!! Until the new chapters!!!!
Soulkana<3




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Sun May 01, 2011 2:07 am
Amfliflier wrote a review...



Wow. This was really powerful. Please tell me if there's another part to this, because I want you to continue this. The description and emotion were so strong, and I just simply loved this piece. Again, please keep this going.

Excellent job! Keep writing! :)




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Sat Apr 30, 2011 7:50 pm
Stori wrote a review...



Wow. I've yet to see a story like this where the main character wasn't bitter about their situation.

The first thing I'd like to point out is your dialog. It's all very good, but there's no need for a separate sentence containing the he/she said tags.

He pouts, turning into his pillow.


There's a good example. It would look fine as, "Sam I don't wanna go!" he pouts....
I don't have much else to say. Just try to change those sentences, and all should be well.





I always prefer to believe the best of everybody; it saves so much trouble.
— Rudyard Kipling