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Young Writers Society



The key to Life

by WritingLUV


The Key to Life

by Maggie

Katie layed in bed staring at the water stain right over her head, it was shaped like a key. She often imagined it was a map of a different country. Katie had never seen a key shaped country on a map. So there wasn’t one, right? Katie closed her eyes and sighed. When Katie opened her eyes she wasn’t in her bedroom anymore. Katie was on a big rock. She was surrounded by a group of kids who looked to be eleven, the same age as her.

“Where am I?” Katie asked.

“Your on key island,” the shortest boy replied,”Stupid name for an island, I know.” The tall girl next to him punched him.

“Shut up Jim,” the girl said angrily.

“So who are you?” the boy named Jim asked. Katie sat up.

“I’m Katie,” Katie said still feeling confused.

“I’m Mia,” the girl said,”This is Mary my sister and our friends: Jim, David, and Wes.” As Mia talked she moved her hands and pointed.

“OH MY GOSH!!!!!” Mary exclaimed. Everyone looked at her even Katie.

“Katie can save us. You all remember the other day how the great key was some how dropped into the lake. Only people who aren’t from the island can go in the lake without dying. Katie can do that!” Mary said excitedly.

“Huh?” Katie said. Mary explained how the great key kept people on the island alive, but if dropped in the lake like people it would die and kill all the people on the island too. Only people not from the island can go in the lake. Until the key was out of the lake 1 person would die per day.

“I’d love to help,” Katie admitted,” Just I’m sort of afraid of water.”

“Really? That’s stupid! How do you bathe?” David asked while Wes and Jim laughed.

“Well I’m not scared of water. Just drowning,” Katie explained.

“Oh,well I’m scared of dying and that’s what’s going to happen if you don’t jump in that lake and get the key!” Wes said. Mia and Mary both elbowed him, but the fear in their eyes shone.

“Fine,I’ll do it,” Katie sighed. They all cheered, then the group took Katie to the island’s queen, Queen Lizzie. Mia, Mary, Jim, Wes, and David explained what Katie was going to do. Queen Lizzie agreed. Queen Lizzie gave Katie an ugly pink bathing suit. Then it was swimming time. The whole town gathered around Katie and the lake. Katie turned around to her new friends.

“I can’t do this,” Katie cried.

“You’ll have too you already promised,” Mary said. Katie stood there for a while thinking.

“Turn around and face the lake,” David said. Katie did as he said.

“Why?” Katie asked, then she was pushed into the lake. At first Katie freaked out then she swam towards the bottom of the lake and found the key. Katie grabbed it then swam back up. Everyone cheered as her head popped out of the water. Katie handed the key to Queen Lizzie who gratefully took it. Then Katie closed her eyes and smiled. When she opened her eyes she was no longer on Key Island, now Katie was in her bed.

I must have fallen asleep, Katie thought then she spotted the gold envelope. Inside was a short letter. The letter read:

Dear Katie,

Thank you for saving us! We already miss you!!!!!

Your Friends,

Mia, Mary, Jim, Wes, David

To this day Katie still doesn’t know if Key Island was a dream or not.

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60 Reviews

Points: 385
Reviews: 60

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Sat Dec 21, 2013 1:39 am
thegirlwhowrites wrote a review...



Hi,
Really cool idea, very original.
Here are just a few criticisms from me and I hope they will help!
1. "*You're on key island" (not your)
2. I just feel like the story was a bit rushed... I know that it is just a dream and your character doesn't know anything about this island but you may want to think whether the reader knows as much as she does or not. Of course, you don't want to give away the ending. What I mean is, for example you could elaborate on the key idea and describe of a certain legend which cursed this island. That would make it more effective as for now the reader ends the story with many questions.
3. You could add a bit more description, I think that is what captures the reader most into a story. They can get lost in this new world you create (in this case, you could describe the island) and that's what drags them to continue the stories until the end. Also, you could add more detail to your characters. If you like the length of your story and don't want this to make it too long then even a small line like the colour of the hair or the eyes would be enough.
4. Just one last tiny thing (which is probably just me). If you want to make your story more formal, then use less exclamation marks ;)

Merry Christmas!




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189 Reviews

Points: 398
Reviews: 189

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Sun Jul 28, 2013 3:04 am
manisha wrote a review...



Hi there!
manisha here to review.
This was a cute story. I could feel the innocence of the your character. She comes across as someone with a vivid imagination(seen where she finds shapes in the wet stain) and a helpful person.

As I'm here to review I'll point out a few things.

Katie layed in bed staring at the water stain right over her head, it was shaped like a key. She often imagined it was a map of a different country. Katie had never seen a key shaped country on a map. So there wasn???t one, right? Katie closed her eyes and sighed. When [/b]Katie opened her eyes she wasn???t in her bedroom anymore.[b] Katie was on a big rock. She was surrounded by a group of kids who looked to be eleven, the same age as her.

layed is lay. Layed is not a word.

You see the number of Katies you have used? It doesn't help with the flow and also looks a tiny bit immature. You can replace the noun with pronouns.
So the paragraph will go something like this-

Katie lay in bed staring at the water stain right over her head, it was shaped like a key. She often imagined it was a map of a different country. She had never seen a key shaped country on a map. So there wasn???t one, right? Katie closed her eyes and sighed. When she opened her eyes she wasn???t in her bedroom anymore. She was on a big rock. She was surrounded by a group of kids who looked to be eleven, the same age as her.

Here are a few grammatical mistakes.
???Shut up, Jim,??? the girl said angrily.

???So, who are you???? the boy named Jim asked. Katie sat up.


Everyone looked at her, even Katie.


Mary explained how the great key kept people on the island alive, but if dropped in the lake like people it would die and kill all the people on the island too. Only people not from the island can go in the lake. Until the key was out of the lake 1 person would die per day.


The sentences look awkward. Try this
Mary explained how the great key kept people on the island alive, but if dropped in the lake, the key, like people, would die and kill all the people on the island will too.
1 is one. Refrain from using symbols for numbers in stories.

???You???ll have too you already promised,??? Mary said. Katie stood there for a while thinking.

too is to
and there is a comma after "You???ll have to"

The ending was kind of obvious.

I see you have potential in your writing. You have a good style of writing. You will have to work on your description and grammar.

It was a good try!

Hope I helped:)
-manisha





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