Young Writers Society

I really liked it...even though I do find it almost disturbing how easily I can relate to things like this. My overall favorite part was the second stanza

When the blade left light pink scars
That I knew would always be,
I kept them in plain view so
You would find them and yell at me.

Hello there, VEE.
OMG!! This poem had a terribly awesome flow throughout. xD Totally deserves a like. *likes*
And the content was related to every teenager living now. Every teenager can relate to it, whoever it be. Everyone has been through this phase some time or the other. And the imagery was also really good. I liked the poem a lot. But I have some nitpicks, but the poem is good even without any changes made to it.

All the desperate moves I made,
Like attempting suicide,
Were the cause of wanting you to see
The anguish in my eyes.

Making yurs worth while,

I told you my will was yours.
But you didn't seem to care.
Everytime you felt sad,
I was always there.

I said you needed more than them,
I stayed and held your hand.
It took a while, but soon I saw
You would never understand

I gave up everything,
For your attention. For should be in smalls over here.
I did it all,
And still I fall, And still I did fall,
Just like the tears I cry,
And every single lie.

For some reason, I kept thinking that this poem could very easily become a song!! Have you thought about that?? I think it would be great. But, as far as a poem, it was pretty good too.

VousEsEtonnant wrote:All the desperate moves I made,
Like attempting suicide,

VousEsEtonnant wrote:I said you needed more than them,
I stayed and held your hand.
It took a while, but soon I saw
You would never understand

VousEsEtonnant wrote:And every single lie.

O.o People really don't like cliches on this site.........
(I don't have a problem with them, usually. Unless they're really overdone.

Sorry I didn't review earlier! I didn't have time when I first saw this, and then it took a while to find my way back..... :p

ANYWAY.

I liked this. I think the teen audience, as others have mentioned, can really identify with this. After all, the message we get is "Fit in, do things so you can be popular." So really, a lot of people do things for other people, because they want to feel loved and accepted--something you've really captured here.

I don't think it's necessary to repeat the chorus every time-- after a few times, the reader's eye just glazes over it, anyway. Did you do it that way because of the change near the end? If that's the case, either change it so that it's the same as the other versions of the chorus (I think it still works that way-- even without the "that", I can tell what you're trying to say) or just put -chorus- for after the first time, and then for the one that's different, maybe type it out, maybe put an annotation there to indicate that word has changed. You could even just have it be like the rest of it (I don't know how to word this in a way that's not awkward..... sorry) and sing the "that" anyway.

The line about the scars hit me especially hard, because my sister cuts. (Any advice on what to say to her? :p)

Come save me from my hell.

I told you my will was yours#FF0000 ">,
But you didn't seem to care.

I said you needed more than them,

Hi there,

I personally liked this and generally found it really good and nice to read. It's definitely something a lot of people can relate to and I certainly think many people can understand the feelings expressed in this. All the words used in this are precisely what I have been waiting to hear, especially in this format.

My favorite stanza was the first one:
Each time the wretched tears came,
Drying too soon on my cheek,
I halfheartedly hid them.
Really, I'd hoped you would see.

Because it was just interesting to read and I just couldn't find any flaws in it at all from beginning to end. I also particularly liked the length and flow of all the lines put together. All of it was good though and I congratulate you on this peice of writing, it's really good!

From CuteJackRussell

Hello.

Well, I honestly remember feeling like this as well, once upon a time. Honestly, it's a little unsettling how easy it is to relate to this. But I guess, that's something great that you achieved in this poem. I think it speaks to a teen audience which is exactly the audience we have on site.

However, I think this was too predictable and overdone teenage angst for me. I don't know if it's just me growing old though. Although, I do think that there is a way to present something as emotional as this so that it doesn't become indigestible. Words like 'tears, scars, hell, sad, wanting you with me', it's a staple of sad teenage poetry. I think you can do better. Heartbreak, particularly this kind, wherein the pain is so intense inside you that it tends to manifest itself on your skin, is so overdone. I'm not saying one should stop writing about it. It just has to be presented in a different way.

There are songs on my i-pod that have choruses so similar to words like these. The words are that cliche. It's good music and it's commercial but that doesn't make it poetry. This poem is again, easy to relate to, I think a lot of people on this site will like it, but I'm doubtful whether it achieves anything very original poetically. There aren't any new metaphors on this poem or any truly vivid image.

This was too much telling and no showing. I think your emotions got in the way of your poetry here. This sounds more like an emotional rant on a journal than controlled lines and stanzas. Poetry is beautiful when you can feel the emotions that the writer talks of, and in this poem, I read it off the paper and I understood it, but you didn't leave me anything vivid and concrete that made me feel what the persona was feeling. Package your emotions in different words, don't tell the reader that you're heartbroken; shove your broken heart at his face with strong imagery.

I enjoyed your other poetry and I think you can do better and improve this.

--Nixie

WONDERFUL