z

Young Writers Society



Look Into My Eyes

by Valentine


Here's my first poem to be submitted here. I wrote it for English. The criteria was to write a poem about death and dying. Hope you guys enjoy and and tell me what you think.

"Look Into My Eyes"

Look into my eyes
And tell what you see
Do you see a diamond gem?
Or a soul ravaged with disease


Gaze at my body
Does it shine like summers day?
Or is it a slowly rotting corpse
Putrid and dripping with decay

Tell me now
Am I dead or alive?
Do I laugh and cry?
Can I learn and thrive?

Am I but a skeleton
Slowing withering away
Until I become one with the ground
Never to be seen another day

For I do not know
Whether I am alive or dead
I only see one color
Slowly dripping-red

Thanks for reading!

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102 Reviews

Points: 8230
Reviews: 102

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Fri Jul 30, 2010 3:42 pm
Sionarama wrote a review...



Hey #BF0040 ">Val!!! Oh my gosh this is MAGNIFICENT!!!! :D I really caught the emotion and I loved the similes/metaphors... All I'm here for is 1) to praise it and 2) to give a little feed-back..
Have a nice time!!!!

My comments will be in pink, my likes in purple, my dislikes in green, and my corrections in red..

Valentine wrote:Here's my first poem to be submitted here. I wrote it for English. The criteria was to write a poem about death and dying. Hope you guys enjoy and and tell me what you think.

"Look Into My Eyes"

Look into my eyes
And tell what you see
Do you see a diamond gem?
#BF00FF ">Or a soul ravaged with disease #FF00BF ">really good! It was just hard for me to say ravaged 8)


#800080 ">Gaze at my body
Does it shine like summers day?
Or is it a slowly rotting corpse
Putrid and dripping with decay #8000BF ">one of my favorite ones!! Nice rhymes!!

Tell me now
Am I dead or alive?
Do I laugh and cry?
#408040 ">Can I learn #BF0040 ">and #FF00BF ">I would put to#008040 "> thrive?

Am I but a skeleton
Slowing withering away#FF0040 ">?
Until I become one with the ground
Never to be seen #BF0040 ">by the day

#BF00FF ">For I do not know
Whether I am alive or dead
I only see one color
Slowly dripping-red

Thanks for reading!


WOAH!!!!!!
Overall:
Nice work and rhymes!!! I really felt the emotion!! :P But I did have some pet peeves of mine.. but that's just me.
I loved the last and second paragraphs!! GREAT JOB!!!
chow for now,
sionarama 8)




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1087 Reviews

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Reviews: 1087

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Wed Mar 17, 2010 11:36 am
Sins wrote a review...



Hey there :smt001
I have to say, I really enjoyed your poem! And I think that you have a really good writing style. I can't really think of anything to critique!

Am I but a skeleton
Slowing withering away
Until I become one with the ground
Never to be seen another day

Like another reviewer has said, this is definitely my favourite stanza! I love how you keep the same idea within the four lines.

Tell me now
Am I dead or alive?
Do I laugh and cry?
Can I learn and thrive?

I noticed that a few people have commented on this stanza, saying that they think that it's a bit too repetitive. This is just my opinion, but I actually quite like your use of repetition! :smt001

Does it shine like summers day?
Or is it a slowly rotting corpse
Putrid and dripping with decay

I also really liked these lines. I especially liked the first line!

Overall, I think that your poem was really good! Like I said before, you have a nice writing style.

Keep writing!
Meg xoxo

:smt005




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446 Reviews

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Reviews: 446

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Wed Mar 17, 2010 10:35 am
Yuriiko says...



For your first poem it's really nice!! Keep it up. but as what they've said you need to work on some of your lines there.... :D




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Thu Mar 11, 2010 5:53 am
BondGirl007 wrote a review...



Hey Val, I quite liked this poem, you've got a very cool style that I really love, but I've got a few suggestions on some stanzas and lines that I think might help inprove it :).

Tell me now
Am I dead or alive?
Do I laugh and cry?
Do I learn and thrive?

Like Haly said, you might want to change this up, it's a little too repeditive in my mind.


For I do not know
Whether I am alive or dead
I only see one color
Slowly dripping-red

I don't know about this stanza...It really seemed not like an ending to me, it kinda anticlimactic if that makes sense. Sort of built up a great poem, then the end is kinda..Ehh. I think for me it was the "Slowly dripping red" part that was it. It's a little overdone.

This was my favorite stanza
Am I but a skeleton
Slowing withering away
Until I become the ground
Never to be seen another day

I love the line "until I become the ground" for some reason, it's got that something to it.

Anyway I liked it, good job :).

~Hope




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Reviews: 14

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Tue Mar 09, 2010 5:57 pm
Halycon wrote a review...



Pretty good in general :D

few little things

Into a corpse of decay

this line sounds slightly off in terms of flow compared to the last stanza
I would change it to something like "Into a corpse filled with decay" flows better IMO

Am I dead or alive?
Do I laugh and cry?
Do I learn and thrive?

In terms of this bit, I would put in different word instead of do for the last line, maybe "can I learn and thrive?" Possibly

Am I but a skeleton
Slowing withering away
Until I become the ground
Never to be seen another day

this stanza is good but the last line seems to stunt the flow a little, try making it shorter somehow.

No crits with last stanza, this was really good

Overall, a well written poem

Keep wrting

Halycon





"I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul."
— Pablo Neruda