Hello, My Friend!
Pleasure to meet you! I am Raven, and I’d like to review this beginning chapter using my Familiar method today! In other words, I use a fancy template that fits a fantasy-horror writer, heh. Let’s dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh…
What The Black Eyes See...
(Impressions and general thoughts:) This was a fantastic and fascinating introduction to your story! The atmosphere of gloom, fear, and grim anticipation was spot on, before leading to a shocking and emotional moment for this main character. Let's get into the details though.
Where The Dagger Points...
(Corrections and recommendations:) You really did a great job building up the moment, and narrating the main character's emotions. The dialogue fit the tone and felt natural, and your descriptions made for many great mental pictures. That being said, there are a few little things I could recommend in good spirit, free to take or leave.
The first was toward the beginning:
Edward stared at the red carpet trying to ignore his moribund father who lay on top of the bed. Edward focused on the carpet trying to blur out his father from his peripheral visions.
These lines felt just a little bit repetitive since they describe the same action. Maybe condensing them a bit would help. Example: "Edward focused on the red carpet beneath him. He was trying to blur out his moribund father, who was lying on top of the bed, from his peripheral vision."
Then, a minor *potential* error in this sentence:
Edward then in a swift and precise motion digged the dagger in his father's throat.
"Digged" is technically the proper term in Archaic English, but maybe to better fit the otherwise modern writing style, it could be substituted with "dug" here?
The next could be pretty subjective so be wary, or even skip if you like. This has to do with overall formatting. For example, with your dialogue, I would personally recommend starting a new paragraph whenever someone else speaks, and perhaps using double quotation marks instead of single ones? This is a little more traditional, and it could also help break up some of those meaty paragraphs. Full of brilliant content, mind you, but maybe would draw more readers' attention if they were spaced out a little bit.
Finally, descriptions! As I mentioned, they made for great visuals, but maybe to really grip and pull your readers into the moment, you could give us some more sensory details. You described the "marble" as something blazing and warm, so that's a good start. Maybe before that, Edward feels the air turn cold as the phantoms arrive, or the reek of fresh blood makes it harder for him to continue. This is something I'm trying to improve in my own writing too; it's easy to overlook, but these are very powerful elements to use in a story, especially in fantasy settings.
Now of course, this is all just my opinion, and I am not a professional, so please always take my advice with a grain of salt. The chapter is great as it is as well ~
Why The Grin Widened...
(Highlights and favorite moments:) Oof! It's hard to pick a favorite moment! There were so many great elements!
I said it once, so I'll say it again; descriptions! Your visuals were simply amazing, with the lavish keywords and attention to detail -but not so much that the moment becomes cluttered or takes away from Edwards's impending actions and emotions. It immediately drew my attention as the chapter began:
Prince Edward opened the doors to his father's study revealing a neat room decorated with gold furnishings. A pristine red carpet ran through the room. Edward stared at the red carpet trying to ignore his moribund father who lay on top of the bed.
Nicely done! Then, as the chapter elaborates on Edward's inner thoughts, it gives us a little glimpse into his character.
Edward stop being so cowardly, reply dammit reply to your father, you cowardly moron
I felt like this, among other details of self-reflection, was a good way of telling us that Edward has respect for his father, despite what he's about to do. And by extension, maybe a bit of doubt in himself. And even though the motive seems clear enough, there are questions to be made about why Edward did this, and if it was the right choice. Very interesting!
On that note, the many moments of hesitation, and trying to avoid looking at his crime, really built up the emotion of the chapter. It made everything feel very genuine, and it was easy to empathize with the main character. So, great work there.
And finally, Edward becoming the new Light:
Slowly the marble that contained the “Gift” was absorbed into Edwards's body. Indicating that the ritual was over and that he had become the new Light.
It's a fascinating moment, with the phantoms and his father's spirit, and it leaves me very curious about the implications. What it means for the main character, what it will cost him, and the responsibilities he will have. By extension, I find myself hoping to read more. And that's exactly what you want out of an opening chapter, so great work!
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Overall, this was a great introduction and you have piqued my interest for sure! Nicely done!
Points: 41092
Reviews: 235
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