As it Happens - anecdote 1 • Young Writers Society

As it Happens - anecdote 1

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I think I'm dreaming.

The rain is pattering on the roof as I drift off to sleep on a silent lullaby. When I wake the air has fallen silent. It's so cold I don't feel my hands and feet. Am I alone? I can't tell.

It's usually too dark to see everything in the room, but today more light than usual is slipping through the plywood slats. Now I can't sleep.

I don't wake up.

Someone is cooking outside nearby, but I can't tell what. Maybe a family barbecue? I vomit.

Is it the 4th of July? I can't hear fireworks.

I've been sleeping for awhile. How many days have passed?

I think there's something in the food.

I haven't eaten in a few days, but I finally have enough energy to get up. The room is smaller than I thought.

It's locked from the outside.

I'm so dirty I don't think I'll ever get clean.

I try to eat my shoes but I'm too dry to swallow.

I try again. I notice I'm missing some teeth, and I hadn't felt it before.

They haven't been putting food under the door for awhile, but today the water stopped.

Am I still alive?

I can't open my eyes.

I hear guns and voices and shouting and then whispers. They say I'm in the hospital. My mother is there. She was able to pay the ransom, she says. She's so sorry, she says.

I still can't open my eyes because they're swollen, but I hear the news on the TV buzzing softly. I can't make out the words.

I'm recovering slowly, but my legs are working now. They say I might never be able to see again, but that's okay. At least I'm alive.

I finally get to go home. I feel warmer than I've ever felt.

I hear guns and voices. They argue about the money, then another shot. No one is talking.

Footsteps are coming closer. I try to move but my body is numb and heavy. The door opens and light sears my eyelids.

And then the last shot rings out above all else. It's louder than all my screams could ever be.

My body is found.

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Points: 1040
Reviews: 11

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Tue Apr 26, 2011 2:45 am

UnicornNerd wrote a review...

This was really really good! It kept me reading the whole way through. It was interesting and a little confusing at the beginning but I understood what was happening by the end. It was interesting and I could tell that it was told by a 10 to12 year old (boy?) The only thing I was confused about was the numbers. What were they?

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Mon Apr 25, 2011 10:25 pm

StoryWeaver13 wrote a review...

Actually, I thought this was really cool! I read an article by someone (can't remember who), and it was an old piece. The guy had originally just written these sort of "quick notes" to be condensed into a story later, but they were pressed for time so they put it in the paper as-is. Surprisingly it'd worked, and what had made the story work was ironically the fact that it felt natural, following the inconsistent train of thought. That's kind of what I felt from your piece. It was just thought - fast and simple. Because it allowed only these hazy windows to this person's life, it actually compelled you to keep wondering. This was a really good sort of flash-fiction.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

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Mon Apr 25, 2011 4:31 pm

Lilicia wrote a review...

Hi there!

I really liked this, it's a change from the usual. I didn't find it contrived or stupid at all, it was actually very gripping. Just a few things:

Am I alone? I can't tell.

For me the question breaks the flow a bit, I'm not sure whether it's necessary. Maybe you could rephrase this part.

5
I don't wake up.

I noticed you skipped two and three, it that because the MC was sleeping? If so, you could skip this too, and that would be another way of saying that she didn't wake up.

Someone is cooking outside nearby, but I can't tell what. Maybe a family barbecue? I vomit.
Is it the 4th of July? I can't hear fireworks.

This confused me, maybe you could add some detail here, just so the reader understands vaguely what's going on. Why does she jump to the conclusion that it's a family barbecue? Why would it be the fourth of July? Why does the MC vomit at the thought of the barbecue? It would be good if you could wrap up a small explanation in one sentence, or maybe, if you want to keep the mystery, put bits of explanation in what you already have. (for example, instead of 'I vomit', you could say, 'I vomit at the thought of home' - if that's what she's vomiting about). I just felt quite lost reading this, it's your choice though

19
They haven't been putting food under the door for awhile, but today the water stopped.

I loved this bit! It's subtle and well phrased, you're not giving away too much information, but enough for the reader to understand.

23
I hear guns and voices and shouting and then whispers. They say I'm in the hospital. My mother is there. She was able to pay the ransom, she says. She's so sorry, she says.

Maybe you could spread this out over a longer time period, it's too big an event to pass off in one day. It seems crucial to the story, it would be good if you could flesh it out a bit, build up the suspense. At the moment I didn't feel much reading it.

38
I'm recovering slowly, but my legs are working now. They say I might never be able to see again, but that's okay. At least I'm alive.

This seems quite a mature thought process for someone of 10-12 years old. If at that age I was told I might never see again, I wouldn't be so optimistic... I'd imagine her to be more shocked than anything, maybe angry.

And then the last shot rings out above all else. It's louder than all my screams could ever be.
45
My body is found

.

I agree with Uldin that the last sentence isn't necessary. I think you have a pretty strong ending just before that (It's louder than all my screams could ever be), and it leaves the reader with a big impression. I'd just leave it at that

Overall:

A great story! I loved the way you used short sentences, it set a good atmosphere, made me feel more inside the story somehow. However, one thing I'd like to point out is the unrolling of events: I feel that you could have created more suspense, more drama. For now when I read it, it doesn't make me feel for the MC. I would like to feel as scared as them, especially with the guns and voices part (23). You could create more effect on the reader by expanding certain important parts, showing exactly where the MC is in position to the action, and how she is feeling. A bit of detail would be great.
Apart from that, I really liked this. I loved the desperation that hid in certain sentences (her eating her shoes, for example), and if you spread this silent emotion to more places in the story, it would be perfect

Keep writing, and hope I helped!

~Lilicia

Points: 1869
Reviews: 51

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Mon Apr 25, 2011 4:29 pm

NLPrincess13 wrote a review...

hi,
i can say it's flood of emotion out there, i think you did well. very well actually!
i sense a bit dramatic scarcity in the boy tune "the narrator " i think it matches the age as you said he was 10 or 11.
i got my sister in that age, so probably your narrator was very close to it! its very deep and in unique style!
keep up and update us with more pieces

Points: 939
Reviews: 8

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Mon Apr 25, 2011 2:38 pm

Uldin wrote a review...

Hey!
I must say I had to re-read it a couple times to understand everything, but that's probably because I'm exhausted xD
I don't agree with you, I thought this was very deep and tragic, and the end is quite unexpected. The numbers represent days, right? A few remarks:
"the air has fallen silent" I don't think air can make any noise.
"I feel warmer than I've ever felt" the repetition of the verb 'feeling' just doesnt sound good. How bout, I feel warmer than ever?

This might just be me, but I don't think the last phrase is necessary. The story ends pretty well at "louder than my screams could ever be"

Keep up the good work

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As it Happens - anecdote 1

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