Young Writers Society

Heyyyy!! Forever here with a short review!!

Characters: The soldier. He is really lonely. A soldier being exiled is not a very common phenomenon, at least it wasn't in the stories I read. Have I even read many stories? Perhaps not. Anyway, a war situation. Not peaceful at all. His character is not very well portrayed. I missed his descriptions at some places. I think if you fix those, the story can take a better shape. But well, good job at portraying his loneliness. I could feel the loneliness while reading the story.

Plot: The plot is confusing. What if I try to sum up the plot? This would be something like Soldier-war-defeat-exile-7years-loneliness-Order from God-Following the order-Found enemies-killed them-loneliess. This appeared to be the main plot. Now, don't you think it's becoming a bit too typical for the mercenaries to influence the king? Also, order from God? You could have done it without including this order. Like, always you shouldn't make the God do everything in the World. You should find some other doers. I would just elaborate the rest of it in pacing.

Pacing:It was a bit too rushed overlooking so many details. You have gotta elaborate kind of a lot of things like the mercenaries, what really happened? What led to the War? If you are talking about a specific war which actually took place, better mention it. Then, why was the king unwilling? What happened in the seven years? Just give these details. Without these the story doesn't seem to be lively. The "show not tell" method can be helpful.

Setting: It was good. You described it quite well, I could imagine the atmosphere and it went quite well with his mood, loneliness. Also, you can flesh out the settings a lot more using the "show don't tell method". This can be a lot helpful. It's quite a good article to read. Just use it to make the story more detailed. Several details are missing which make it vague. I told this earlier tho. And hm... The ending. It seems quite interesting but a bit vague. I would like mofe clarification.

All in all, it needs some improvement and then it would be quite a great story. You have a good theme here.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever

So far it has caught my interest. I do agree with the "show, don't tell." Otherwise, I think you have something great in the works. All I can say is follow the advice you agree with, and your story will turn out great.

Is there any specific culture you based this man around?

Hmm.. Alright, I'm gonna be a little harsh here, but bear with me.

The first few sentences are too short and forced. To be honest, it sounds like a school assignment from a fifth grader. Try combining the sentences to make them flow a little easier instead of making them so short and choppy.

You really need to work on showing instead of telling.. It's a problem I have as well, don't worry. But it makes the story hard to get through with so many descriptions. Readers absorb information better when there's action involved.. You'll have to talk to someone like Mesh who understands the concept a little more than I do.

You have a good plot, I'm sure of that. And your ideas will lead to somewhere great. However, you just have to work on the presentation of this information a bit. As it is now, it feels dry and almost immature. But with a little bit of work I'm sure you can turn this into an excellent story.

I didn't think it was bad, just a little rough around the edges. For instance, does the "lonely warrior" have a name? It gets awkward calling him "the lonely warrior" every time. We get the idea that he's lonely and that he's a warrior. What's his name, though? Even if he didn't reveal it, he could probably have a more idolized name by those he helps. Remember, there's nothing people like more then a celebrity, and they'll give names they think befitting of it. That's my major complaint that I saw others not mentioning.

There was nothing about this that made me want to read beyond the first few sentences. Your language was very wooden, and there was really nothing about it to distinguish it from the many stories about "lonely warriors." I'm not one who is normally concerned about cliches, a word that I find has lost its significance because it seems like 99% of what is written is riddled with cliches. But I think whatever ideas the writer uses, his/her own personality needs to be put into it. Maybe I'm wrong, but I didn't get that from this. What I saw here is something that is normal for people our age, whether done intentionally or not, is that you were attempting to sound like your favourite authors instead of just following your own feelings.

Ooh...I liked it. Do you plan to continue? I think this piece has a lot of potential. All of the errors I noticed were already pointed out, so I don't really have anything to say other than good job.

First of all, thank you for reading. I did wrote it in a hurry, so it's a bit sloppy. I got another one and I'll send it as soon as I can find a working Floppy

I think this has a lot of potential. There are some typos, but those are easily fixed. Most of the things that bothered me were already pointed out by others, so I won't repeat them. Lets see...at times this seemed a bit choppy-to me anyway. If I were you, I wouldn't try to make it flow more. All the same, I loved the plot. Good Job. Keep writing.

A lonely warrior strode across the road, raising the dust long undisturbed

The king, heavily burdened from the incoming war, unwillingly exiled him for many years.

He wandered from town to town, form one secluded place to another.

The gods called him in his dreams and said that he must wander the world for ten years, always helping others, not for reward or fame, but for proving himself to them.

Pools of blood drenched across the dry lands, reddening the soil forever.

The sight reminded him of days long past,

He started to seek any trail of the perpetrators of this crime. Then he saw a small trail of blood leading away from the pile of corpses. He walked as though he was possessed by some unknown force that forced him to go forward only. He didn’t notice that he entered a thick forest. His expression was almost frantic.

He walked as though he was possessed by some unknown force that forced him to go forward only.

She was tied and gagged and her beautiful dress turned into rags form these brutes.

Near it laid a young woman, a real beauty. Tears were running on her cheeks, her angelic face trembled with fear. She was tied and gagged and her beautiful dress turned into rags form these brutes. Her left arm was bleeding.

I love this so far though these are just a few things that I noticed.

'A lonely warrior strode across the road, raising the dust long undisturbed.'
For some reason the term 'long undisturbed really annoyed me, maybe if you just 'raising the undisturbed dust' ?

And instead of 'Then they came. Mercenaries from the king, bowing to no law except the law of the coin, coming to pillage, thinking they own everything.'
I think it should be - 'Then the mercenaries from the king came. They bowed down to no law except the law of the coin, coming to pillage, thinking they own everything.'

Instead of 'camp fire' it should be 'campfire'

'Three rogues in a small clearing between the trees.'
It should be something like - 'Three rogues lay in a small clearing between the trees.'