Wow. This was beautiful. Perhaps the use of that particular adjective sounds a little... morbid but I really liked this poem. Yes, it was dark but at the end of the day, these things really do happen. There's no point pretending they don't, which is what a lot of adults prefer to do. I've found they don't like confronting the truth. Anyway, I suppose my first real comment on this poem - rather than just my babbling nonsense - is that you've really captured the essence of reality in this, which I love.
You mess with their head,
Make them think you’re in bed.
Instead, you’re out chugging beer,
Singing drunken cheers,
You fight until somebody’s dead. #FF0000 ">A brilliant way to open! The only thing I didn't think flowed in this stanza was the last line. It just seemed to cut it dead, which is ironic and I don't know whether that was your intention or not. Ignore me if you think differently, however >.<
Your wrists are all scarred,
Your lungs are all tarred,
And your pillows are patterned with tears.
The drugs fuel your dark fears,
They put you in a cell that’s all barred. #FF0000 ">There is absolutely nothing wrong with this stanza. I loved it. It works really well. I loved how it seems to be confronting this teenager and it works brilliantly. I love your choice of words here too.'
Getting high and feeling low,
Cutting deep #FF0000 ">and breathing shallow, I'd take out the 'and' here; I don't think it fits with the beat
Painting your room red,
With all the hatred you bled,
Pretending that they don’t all know.
It’s another teen pregnancy.
It’s an alcohol-fuelled emergency.
The boys’ll all deny,
The girls’ll all cry,
'Cause they’d thought that guy was 'the one'
When that asshole just wanted some fun. #FF0000 ">So bloody true.
Put that wine in a glass,
Cheers to skipping class,
And telling your teacher you’re sick.
Isn’t failing school just a kick?
You both know there’s no way that you’ll pass.
There are worried calls,
Whispers in the halls.
She asks if you are on drugs,
But you give her some big, warm hugs,
You say that you’re tired, that’s all.
There is no excuse
For being a friend of the noose,
Or the switchblade they found in the drawer.
Then they’ll find you on the bathroom floor.
You knew there was just no use.#FF0000 ">A fantastic way to end. It's final, it's done and I think it works brilliantly. That feeling of ending is made stronger by the fact that death really is the end, which is why it works so well.
Congraultions on a great piece
I'm sure many people can relate to this. And I sure hope your readers will get a/the moral lesson out of this. Anyway, this is really well written and I've got to applaud you for the pattern of this poem. a a b b a isn't really a pattern that I get to see all the time. Many are simply free verses, a a b b, or a b a b, not that I dislike them though. lol I think I've only used those three patterns so far. Also, I like the rhyming and how simple enough the words you used in this poem. I think simplicity makes it easier for the readers to relate and connect with a literary piece. The title though isn't really catchy and is a little bit cliché. I'm sure you can come up with a better title for this. To be honest, I wasn't excited when I saw the title. I thought this was just another dramatic teenage poem. Good thing the poem itself is great. 
Points: 1353
Reviews: 16
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