Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

As I walked down the abandoned, over grown street, I could hear the roars and screeching of the once so called animals but now blood thirsty and flesh eating monsters that roam the street. I kept my distance from the minor animals like mice, rabbits and cats that I see every now and then, feeding on the body’s of the infected humans. Ever since my family had died and same as everyone else I have felt hollow… like there was no point in me even being here, I mean sure I see some humans wondering around here every once in a while but they are usually infected and dying, so I try not to get to close to them. As I walked down the pathway of the street I spied myself in the reflection of the glass in one of the empty shops. I wore my tight skinny jeans with my old turquoise tank top. In one of my long black flat boots I kept my dagger, in case I had any problems with the Infected. I smoothed down my long golden brown hair that was tied up in a high ponytail.

If this is your first chapter, don't tell us about your world. Show us.
I'd suggest, take this detailed information and work it into an exciting scene. In late, out early. We need a hook and something to be happening to keep pages turning. For some reason, the first thing that popped into my head was Terminator. Watch how information is delivered on the run, during chase scenes, to keep everyone involved.

Keep it up mate.

You have an interesting story here, but you need to work on your writing. You have major information dumps in the first few sentence, giving away lots of opportunities for suspense. It would be more exciting to hear lots of descriptions of the town and rats and infected people roaming the street so the audience is like ‘woah, what IS this place?’. that would be an easy way to create suspense. Also, in the description of your character, to accent her desperate situation, maybe you could add ‘blood stained clothing’ or ‘dirt on face’ or ‘messy ponytail’. you follow?

Run-on sentences and details can be a quick fix, so don’t get worried J I can’t wait until you finish the first chapter.

Hi! I like this story line but not so much the writing. You should try again from scratch using all the critique here. Then post you new version! I can't wait for the next installment.

smexaykko1 wrote:As I walked down the abandoned, overgrown street, I could hear the roars and screeching of the once 'so-called' (1) animals, but now blood thirsty and flesh eating monsters that roam the street. I kept my distance from the minor animals like mice, rabbits and cats that I see every now and then, feeding on the body’s of the infected humans.
Ever since my family had died, and same as everyone elseI have felt hollow… (2) like there was no point in me even being here. I mean; sure I see some humans wondering around here every once in a while but they are usually infected and dying, so I try not to get to close to them.
As I walked, down the pathway of the street (3) I spied myself in the reflection of the glass in one of the empty shops. (4) I wore my tight skinny jeans with my old turquoise tank top. In one of my long black flat boots I kept my dagger, in case I had any problems with the Infected. I smoothed down my long golden brown hair that was tied up in a high ponytail. (5)

This seems so much like I Am Ledgend... and as i said before, you need to add more.

This seems so much like I Am Ledgend... and as i said before, you need to add more. Just because I know you personally, I'm gonna say this: HURRY UP AND FINISH THIS CHAPTER. you always give up on things........

xD

olli

It was not well-written but you have a good story. I would like to see where it goes from here. Maybe you should read the piece once more. You will find some confusing and senseless sentences.

Seems like it will be in interesting story, given this first chapter, and one I will follow. As a review I would advise putting more imagery in your beginning chapter. To get readers to feel like they're there is a great way to start off such a story as this. Good job on everything else including the girls description. Good luck on future writing!

Smexaykk01 wrote:As I walked down the abandoned, over grown street, I could hear the roars and screeching of the once so called animals but now blood thirsty and flesh eating monsters that roam the street.

Smexaykk01 wrote:Ever since my family had died and same as everyone else I have felt hollow… like there was no point in me even being here, I mean sure I see some humans wondering around here every once in a while but they are usually infected and dying, so I try not to get to close to them.

jerichofiction wrote:I haven't read enough into it to enjoy it yet,but please write more,and I shall follow. I presume this is a girl,considering you are one?

I haven't read enough into it to enjoy it yet,but please write more,and I shall follow. I presume this is a girl,considering you are one?

In some places there are info dumps. Try to describe necessary things like the girls emotions, not just the blatant actions. Also, like me, you need to show us what you are describing. Not tell. But all in all I liked the start. Yo left the scene open and you need more... Thanks.

Olli