Young Writers Society

Hey Silent!
So I apologize again for out little dilemma haha it really bugs me! (grrr....) Anyways, always happy to review!

#FF0000 ">Grammer:

and when the view come#FF0000 ">s back

it#FF0000 ">'s different

#FF0000 ">Add an apostrophe there.

are like flashing neon #FF0000 ">sighs signs

#FF0000 ">pretty sure that should be signs.

you see it #FF0000 ">without the mask

#FF0000 ">those can be together.

but now it#FF0000 ">'s you that is making the excuses

and #FF0000 ">they then you die.

you can’t turn around and go back to the life you le#FF0000 ">ad

#FF0000 ">Should that be led?

make a new #FF0000 ">roadway and leave the elixir behind

#FF0000 ">Can be together.

Fight #FF0000 ">away the demons calling you back

#800080 ">Suggestions/Questions:

but now it#FF0000 ">'s you that is making the excuses

#800080 ">This line was a little awkward for me to read.

Hmm... I liked it, I think the structure and rhythm could use a little work though. There were some parts where it was a little hard to wrap your tongue around, like the first line.

Nothing can ever really be the same again

I was a little sad that with a poem of this length, us readers never found out why exactly the character killed him/herself. So I guess I just would have liked a little more character info relative to the length.

#800000 ">Likes: I'll just quote my favorite parts. I had a friend that committed suicide, so these always have some meaning to me.

but now its you that is making the excuses
you hiding your remedy
for surly they will try to take it away
and they you die.

maybe if you told them you wouldn’t be hooked
a slave to the remedy.

Maybe if you would have listened to your mother
when she said everything would be okay
maybe you never would have made the deal with the devil
never would have trapped yourself in quick sand
slowly being pulled under into a world of suffering
down you go.

#800000 ">I especially like that last line.It just seems really powerful, and to the point, almost a bit humorous.

Maybe... but you didn’t.
You let a demon take control of you
condemning you to a life of hiding behind sleeves,

You can’t take back what you did, the damage is done
you can’t turn around and go back to the life you lead
but you can take a left turn off the path
make a new road way and leave the elixir behind
it wont be easy, not by a long shot
but you can do it.

#BF4080 ">Overall: I really liked it. The message, the word choice, the overall story. It was good, you are a talented author and I love reading your work. I'll get to your other one later today and drop you a title suggestion.

#BF8000 ">-HostofHorus

This poem was good overall, but there were some errors with punctuation and so forth. I can't tell you how you will do it, but a suggestion that I have found most useful is reading the poem outlud. Read the poem outloud and see where the natural spacings go. Other parts such as:

Maybe if you would have listened to your mother
when she said everything would be okay
maybe you never would have made the deal with the devil
never would have trapped yourself in quick sand
slowly being pulled under into a world of suffering
down you go.

should be shorter stanzas because long lines like these usually bore readers. There were some other stanzas like this, but it is your perrogative on how you want to structure it. Anyway I hope I helped some. Just remember that your natual pauses when reading poetry aloud are your guids to how you should structure it when actually putting it on paper, because poetry, after all, was originally and oral form of communication.

Hello SilentRain! I'm Cassidy and I will be doing a short review for you!

I thought this was a very good free verse poem. I Took in a poem about abuse ( i may or may not be wrong) But I'm going to give you some tips someone gave me a while back.
Punctuation can make a poem flow a lot easier, and also be used to make points.

SilentRain wrote:The little things you use to ignore
#FF0000 ">Are like flashing neon #FF0000 ">signs(?)#FF0000 ">,
#FF0000 ">A bruise, a hidden cat-scratch#FF0000 ">.
#FF0000 ">You see it with out the mask#FF0000 ">,
#FF0000 ">As a mark from a beating#FF0000 ">,
a self inflicted cure.

I've also been told capitalization is important, and also proof read your poem. Little spelling errors you may miss can bring down the impact of the poem a lot.

Hope this helps!
Keep Writing!
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