Oh, lament, for we are hapless
And made to repeat.
You have a waxwork daughter,
Come and make her sit before the fire
Watch if it will make her grow dewy
Or bend
And settle back in some semblance
Of living calm.
The snow begins.
That is the very definition
drifting and senseless haze, endless, on blue, northern twilight
In pearlescent glow, and the shadow-shapes of the wood,
Looming,
In every direction stretching like time
Immemorial, and the crunching trudge
And the tiny, pattering hush of snowflakes landing
And the sharp, billowing air, and --
Dwindling thought
Until thought is the hush, and you cease to trudge
Your shins through the soft, soft
Eiderdown, powder white
And you pause
And in pausing, wonder
At the far distant summer you left behind,
The thick, yellow heat, the insect hum of the peach orchard
In full fruit, in full bloom, a dream
Irreconcilable, fleeting
A fathomless distance away,
And you kneel down.
**
I like this poem but there is something that I just can't grasp. I know this poem is supposed to draw you in with its mystery but I think it is missing a strong foundation, a skeleton, or maybe it is just not linked well enough. Some descriptions seem to be random, however, they impress with their beautiful imagery. This is just my impression, I could be just misunderstanding. Still, this poem leaves me curious and it feels incomplete, although very close to the point.
Hi,
This flows beautifully and your imagery is great. The opening lines instantly drew me in and I love "waxwork daughter", "tiny, pattering hush of snowflakes" and "insect hum of the peach orchard", The last line is very powerful.
I think that "drifting and senseless haze, endless, on blue, northern twilight
In pearlescent glow, and the shadow-shapes of the wood," is too consciously poetic- it's too much, I'd go for something more simple which you can really see in your mind's eye-go with descriptions which are most natural to you.
I'd change "Watch if" to "See if". I'd also cut "That is the very definition" because you don't really need it.
A beautiful piece.
Hope this helps.
Jas
This is absolutely beautiful. The choice of words, the techniques used, everything is amazing. As I read it, I got that feeling in my chest that you get when you read something really beautiful or you hear amazing music. You have talent. A lot of it. I absolutely loved it =) I have no criticisms to offer.
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