Young Writers Society

Hullo again So I like this, though not as much as the other as I felt it wasn't expanded enough. It's short and yet it rambles and there just wasn't enough of the story for my liking. I loved the humour though and the idea that Eve and Adam were siblings. Oh and the title's very good, the bad apple part that is. Nicely thought out. Here's a few comments:

Okay, so honestly I don't have a clue as to how to start this out. I'm not one of those touchy-feely-I-need-to-tell-all-of-my-business kind of person people. But I promised my brother I would do this, so here I am. So shut up! And listen up! Because I'm not repeating myself. So I guess I should start with my name...my name is Aveda or Eve for short. I have a brother named Adamus or Adam. [Not really sure if the name thing is necessary. Why give them new names? Is there a specific reason for it or did you just think yours were cooler? I don't think it added anything to the story.] Now before you get all excited and point out the obvious, yes we are Adam and Eve form from the Bible. Hell no, we were never lovers. That's just nasty.

God, I love that dude so much. He’s been with me through everything. See we have this bond like no other. That thing is so deep that I think it can never be broken. The weird thing is our bond is kind of powerful. I can feel everything he feels and he can feel everything I feel. That’s how deep our love is. There is honestly no words to describe how deep our bond is. Let’s just say we are twins, one soul in two bodies. He has helped me so much, especially with my battle with depression. Sorry. Excuse me. I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. [This is where you got rambly. I was also unsure if you was talking about God or Adam since you were discussing them so close together and there was no definate pointer. From the way it's written I'd say God but from your overall story surely it must be Adam?]

Alright, other than that I'd just like to see more on the apple story. Maybe bring the snak into it and such. Maybe add some descriptions and actually have a bit of a scene because so far these do get a little bit too talky and not literary enough. Good idea though!

Heather xxx

Both stories were absolutely amazing. You are on a roll, chica. Keep it up.

Thanks. If you like this then you might like the other one.

Ha! This is brilliant, lovely quick read to cheer me up!
Your writing is great, both the characters of Adam and Eve have been described as very strong characters, even if Adam didn't even show up!
Could have been longer; it ends quite abruptly. Maybe it would be better if you did actually explain why she ate the apple?
But anyway, loved the character of Eve, your writing is great and full of wit and this is overall lovely!

hee hee ! (: very good, gurlieeee ! I lovedd it you are an amazingg writerrrr it made me smile and giggle and laugh. I'm a Christian, so it was kind-of very very cool the way you made her so sarcastic and an asshole (: Love it. Wouldn't mind if Adam and Eve really were lovers, but now their brother and sister ! :0 and the whole bond thing ! =] just like my story, about Kyrie and Jericho <3 LOVE IT. keep writing so I can keep readingggg

Im sorta trying to write the next story. but its not coming out the way i want it to.

I understand, I'm not offended, and I understand. I really like this story!

Wow.

Firstly, I REALLY like the title. "The UnBible". Brilliant. It's actually what drew me in.

I really like your take on the story of Eve. I must say I felt kinda uneasy while reading the "Bible is bullshit" thing, considering I'm a very strong follower and lover of Christ... but, meh. I can handle it

However, I really like this. I find it quite humorous how bitter Eve is and how secular she is portrayed as being. It was very fun to read.

This was quite refreshing.


I did write my own version of the "Fall of Man" story. I would really like you to check it out! It's called "Venom". The link is below.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=79489

Keep writing. I like your style.

God bless

~H. C. Smith

No, i didn't mean to offend anyone. I'm sorry if I did. This is just for fun. Not trying to offend anyone. purely fiction.

Hahaha, this is really fun! I enjoyed reading this, and it's a very fresh and new take on a classic story. I'm a very observant and practicing Catholic, and I laughed out loud at this! Not because I think it's stupid, just the opposite! I loved this new imagining of the old story. I always say, I can handle clever and playful jokes about my religion, just as long as my views are respected. Of course I'm sure you're just writing for fun, not to oppose anyone, which is what makes this story so interesting That being said, let me get into specifics...

I like the idea of making Adam and Eve siblings as opposed to spouses (but what does that mean for Cain and Able? haha O.o). That's definitely something I haven't heard before. And Eve is pretty ballsy in this story, haha. I like it, not something you see often in the Bible. Also, just wondering, did you have any intentions of mentioning the serpent? Cause since you're going with the apple story and all, just seems like an important component. But hey, it's up to you (I can hardly wait to see if and how you portray God, haha).

Anyway, this is definitely an interesting idea, and I hope there's more in the future, cause I'd love to read it! If you need any more reviews, or just want a kind word or some conversation, feel free to PM me!
- SOCKS

Really like it sis!! I'm glad I could help you just a little bit on it XD. You and your and and buts at the beginning XD. Anyways this turned out really great and I can't wait for you to post more. Keep up the good work and once Writerfeed works for me I'll be able to join you on that to help write...Keep up the good work and Happy Writing!!!! Love you sis. Happy Writing and Best of wishes!!!
Soulkana<3