Hello, My Friend!
Pleasure to meet you, fellow fantasy writer! I am Raven, and I’d like to review this short story using my Familiar method today! It’s pretty much the YWS’more method with the touch of a fantasy-horror writer. Let’s dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh…
What The Black Eyes See...
Brilliant short story! Very whimsical on the surface with great descriptions, leading into a very mysterious twist, and finally a bittersweet yet touching ending. Let's get into the details though.
Where The Dagger Points...
Not much to put here! The story was absolutely lovely. I do have some very minor recommendations free to take or leave:
First is a very minor typo here:
The most startling detail though, was that she had deer antlers sicker up from the top of her head.
I think "sicker up" was meant to be "sticking up."
(...aaand I literally had to go back and edit because I spelled the correction wrong. *facepalms* Nice one Raven XD)
The second is more subjective and has to do with grammar, specifically in these parts:
"I think we have enough Fauna," The teal girl was saying,
The orange girl, who must've been Fauna called back, "Okay, just a few more Flora.
There's always discourse about where commas are appropriate, but I feel like these lines may read better if you put a comma before saying a name. Not only is it more traditional, but it's a bit easier to read, especially in fantasy settings.
Finally, you have such lovely descriptions of the scenery and the girls, props to you for that! I feel like they would especially "pop" with some sensory details, like a note about the feeling of a gentle breeze, the sound as it rustles the leaves, the aroma of mossy earth and flowers, etcetera. This is something I'm still working on in my own writing, thanks to YWS feedback lol
Now naturally, I am not a professional, so please always take my advice with a grain of salt. I mean nothing negative, I hope this helps, and the story is great as it is of course ~
Why The Grin Widened...
Ah, where to begin picking a favorite moment? Can I just say all of it? haha.
As I mentioned, your descriptions are absolutely incredible. They crafted an amazing visual of the forest, with its magical elements like glowing flowers and mushrooms. That immediately drew me in and gave the story a feeling of life, right off the bat.
I also very much enjoyed the character designs. The vibrant colors and distinct styles, and how they matched up with the characters' names (Fauna having deer antlers and Flora having a flower crown). That was a very nice touch ~
And my favorite part, despite its grim undertones, was that twist ending.
A soft golden glow broke through the black until the girl found herself floating in the sky, bathed in golden light and looking out at a sunset.
A soft voice whispered, "Don't be afraid. You can rest now, brave one."
(maybe I'm off, please correct me if so) This read as the girl dying from perhaps a terminal illness or injury. Flora and Fauna replace the role of Death as her guide to the afterlife, where she can finally rest, while also symbolizing a sort of "return to nature" through it all. I'm not 100% on this, but I assume the Silver Pool signifies that gateway between life and death as well.
Even if I am off, it was still a brilliant ending that was perfectly narrated and great to read.
Our
Overall, you wrote an incredible piece of fantasy with so much meaning and so much to interpret from it, I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed; 10/10. Nicely done!
Points: 40897
Reviews: 231
Donate