z

Young Writers Society



Nonchlant

by NLPrincess13


Nonchalant"
Verse 1:
As always you have been
Careless, selfish and senseless
Broke all the ways out of your ruses
Cut people's heart and bruise them

Pre chorus:
I begged the sky to take me away from you
I begged the sky to take my heart away and never let me fall for you again

Chorus:
Melodies ring all over the place
All I hear now is my heart's complain
It's s loud from the hurt and the pain
Because all you want to do, all you care to prove
How you are nonchalant
How you are nonchalant

Verse 2:
I flinched trying to keep myself safe
But every time I hear your voice
Is making me insane
How I am such a fool to fall for you ruse

Pre chorus:
So be who you want to be
Nonchalant, careless or even a creep
But you are not a mystery to me

Chorus:
Melodies ring all over the place
All I hear now is my heart's complain
It's s loud from the hurt and the pain
Because all you want to do, all you care to prove
How you are nonchalant
How you are nonchalant

Bridge:
To all the sleepless nights I've stayed wide eyed
To my entire crowded mind that it made it so bizarre
To my pain in side, I'll walk away
I am walking away….. I am walking away

Chorus:
Melodies ring all over the place
All I hear now is my heart's complain
It's s loud from the hurt and the pain
Because all you want to do, all you care to prove
How you are nonchalant
How you are nonchalant


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User avatar
151 Reviews


Points: 4674
Reviews: 151

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Sun May 01, 2011 12:21 pm
Amfliflier wrote a review...



Hi there!

I really liked this song. About halfway through it I realized I was singing it in my head, and it sounded like a moderately slow pop song. I can't quite put my finger on who I thought it sounded like, but anyways, I really liked this. Although I didn't really see how the title went with the song, other than the line "How you are nonchalant". Other than that, I didn't see the connection.

Overall, I really liked it, and I hope you find a tune for this! Nice job! :)




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1735 Reviews


Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735

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Sun May 01, 2011 2:14 am
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hey, what a coincidence! My location is also Neverland! (Not on my profile, but often in real life.) ^_^

Anyways.

I like the idea of this, but there are some spots where it's worded awkwardly or there are just typos. Here they are:

Verse 1:
"Cut people's heart and bruise them" should be "cut people's hearts and bruised them."

Chorus:
"my heart's complain" should be "my heart's complaint."
Also, there's an extra "s" in the line after that - you have "It's s loud."
Plus there should probably be an "is" before "how you are nonchalant," because the way it's written now doesn't quite make sense.

Verse 2:
There's some tense conflict here. Is the narrator falling for the person again NOW, or is she talking about past times? Figure that out and make the tenses match - either change "flinched" to "flinch" or change the rest of the verbs to past tense to match "flinched."
Also, "is making me insane" would make more sense as "it makes me insane" (or "it made me insane," depending on the tense you choose to go with).
And the last line feels weird with "how" in front of it. Consider cutting it. And "you" in the same line should be "your."

Pre chorus after verse 2:
How is it that he is NOT a mystery to the narrator? Up to this point it seems to me like he is, yet now she says he is not.

Bridge:
There are two "it"s in the second line, and I'm not sure which one you meant in there. Did the sleepless nights make her crowded mind so bizarre (first "it")? Or did her crowded mind make the sleepless nights bizarre (second "it")?
Also, "inside" (third line) is one word.

Okay, so those are all typos/awkward spots. But overall, I like this. I like the message and the words you use. I especially love the first pre chorus.

PM me if you have any questions!

~Blue





The magic is only in what books say, how they stitched the patches of the universe together into one garment for us.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451