z

Young Writers Society



The Last Shred of Hope

by Mo.


Tears streamed down her soft cheeks, as she slid the cold metal across her skin. The pain that shot through her was like electricity through a cord. Unbearable as it was, she knew she had to do it. It was the only way, the only way to let it out, to fix the pain, the only way to distract herself from the unbearable torture that lay within. The only way, to hide the feelings she kept inside.

She giggled, as she walked up he warm, light covered bricks to her door. She reached up to the door handle, and walked through the door, her sunflower-yellow dress swishing at her feet as she stepped. Her eyes opened wide as she saw her fathers smiling face.

"Daddy!", she sang. He picked her up, and swept her into his embrace. Her mother stood in the corner, a smile upon her face.

"I love you", he said.

"I love you too", she replied.

She brought up her other wrist, off the blood soaked carpet. Scars scattered across it. She brought the knife to her flesh, and tore it across her skin. Blood and tears soaked the carpet upon which she lay.

"Why do you do this to me? Why!" Screamed her mother. Tears streamed down her face.

"I didn't mean it!" She cried. "It wasn't my fault!"

Her mother stood in that same corner, but now, she seemed empty, as if her life had been sucked from her body.

"It wasn't you're fault?!" Her mother yelled. "It wasn't you're fault your pregnant?!"

A moment of silence passed, the only sound was the drip of her tears across the floor.

"Get out!" sobbed her mother. "Pack your things, leave!"

The girl fell into a heap across the floor. "Mum?" she cried.

Her mother did not answer.

If only her father was alive. If only she was not pregnant with a son. If only her mother loved her. She stared down at the knife that lay next to her, the blood soaked blade. How she hurt inside, how she dreaded hiding the pain that consumed her soul, how she wished her unborn son could have had a real mother. She cried, and the tears flowed until she could cry no more.

She wandered the lonely streets, lit by a single street lamp. Tears flooded her eyes, the pain didn't stop. She couldn't live like this. It was like her soul had been ripped from her, like she was no more, that a walking corpse.

Asleep, she fell, upon that blood soaked, tear stained carpet.

As she dreamt, words interrupted her slumber. Drugs, pain, child, help, breathe. She slipped in and out of consciousness, unaware of her surroundings, but only seeing bright lights.

As her eyes opened, her head felt heavy, and she leaned back against the white bed. A nurse walked in, surprised. Slowly, she realised she was in a hospital bed.

“Ahh!” She screamed as a wave of pain tormented her body, and shuddered as the pain subsided. A man, dressed in a white lab coat walked in, holding a large clear needle. He gestured for her to turn over, and she did so. Seconds later, she felt the needle push into her spine, and she passed out almost immediately.

She found home, in a lonely, cheap motel across the harbour. As she walked, the floor creaked, and spiders hid in the dark hallways. She couldn't bear to live, but could not bring herself to kill the innocent live within her. Regret tormented her body. She lived not a life, but a death.

She awoke, to hold a baby in her arms. A beautiful baby boy, her baby. She looked deep into his eyes, and he did not cry, instead, she saw a smile touch the corner of his lips.

A flame, burned within her at that moment. She felt almost as if she could start again. She could make a life for her son. A flicker of hope, had been lit within her soul.


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Fri Jun 04, 2010 11:12 pm
IsebellaLynnette wrote a review...



Wow. This piece was very intense and emotional. I like how you did the flashbacks. The format wasn't confusing at all, and I think the young woman was mad to have become pregnant, but I can definitely understand her feelings.

I noticed some grammatical errors, but I think the other reviewers took care of those.

One thing I want to ask you is, how was she taken to the hospital? And who found her, lying unconscious on the floor? It's not like a random doctor from the hospital just walked by and suddenly noticed her. XD

Good job, though! You drew me in and kept my interest through the whole thing. I hope the teen mom can take good care of her baby boy. :)




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Fri Jun 04, 2010 12:36 pm
Rebz :) wrote a review...



Firstly, I loved it! It was one of those stories that just keep you reading and reading...

Anyway, the only part that wasn't 100% was the flashbacks. I do know they are flashbacks, but they confuse me somehow. That's most likely just me though.

Also, is she emo? Slitting her wrists?

It was awesome!
Love Rebz :)
xx :pirate3:




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Sun Dec 27, 2009 5:58 pm
Writersdomain wrote a review...



Hey Mo! Finally got around to this! So, a lot of people have addressed the specifics of this, so I'm just going to comment on this overall and give a few suggestions, okay?

I'm inclined to agree with Snoink here; there are a lot of things here that I think could have been addressed to flesh it out more. I know questions are good when opening a story, but this seems really fast. I like the structure and most of your prose is coming along nicely, but it moves so quickly that I'm not really drawn in. Immediately, she's cutting herself, I find out she's pregnant and you slam me into this scene where events are revealed immediately. So, a few suggestions:

1. Reveal

This is your most valuable tool here! In this piece, you reveal that she's cutting herself and that she's pregnant. Now, perhaps this is just me, but when I read a piece where in the first paragraph a main character is cutting herself, I either get sucked in with interest or I sigh and wonder if this is going to turn into an angsty character introspection. To your credit, I did not do the latter here, but I was not sucked in her either. We know immediately that she's hurting herself, but there's very little originality to it. We get the image of her doing this, but you don't present it in a way that it stands out and the reasons and the events intertwine to make something unique.

So, I'm going to suggest thinking about reveal. Consider what would happen if you didn't make it clear that she's cutting herself until, say, the last few paragraphs. If you hinted at it and explored creative ways to convey it, but didn't make it obvious what she was doing until later. That way the reveal comes slowly and we get motive before we get clear-cut action. I think that would help out this piece a lot, plus then you would get the double reveal of her pregnancy and her cutting at the end.

2. Moment vs. Character

This is a very intense moment, and there's nothing wrong with slowing down the prose to emphasize it, but I feel like you're milking it too much here. At the end, your character comes to this moment of change and ray of light, but it's purely thematical because we don't get enough of your character's reaction. Right now I see her cutting and then delivering and holding the baby. I get an idea of her thoughts from the way you write, but there is no physical change in her. No body language to support her thoughts, thus the touching moment seems empty.

When she holds her baby, does she cry? Does she stare at her baby in silence? Does her heartrate pick up? Does she feel sick? Is she trembling? The way this is structured it seems like it should be character-centered, so try to consider the physical, character-oriented changes that occur at your ending. How does she react to this ray of light? Theme is fun, but it lacks power without character, so dabble with character reaction and development to make this more powerful. Details like Snoink mentioned will also contribute to this as the situation and the character become more clear. Right now it is lacking in the human aspect that appeals to readers. It's on its way, but it just needs to reach out and grab the audience more. :wink:

All in all, a pretty nice piece. It's coming along nicely. Keep writing! If you have any questions or want me to take a second look at this, feel free to PM me!




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Wed Dec 23, 2009 5:28 pm
peanut19 says...



Hi Mo, I looked at it again and I think the flash backs really helped with the emotion. I think if you are going to keep going with this story you could answer some of the questions Snoink has asked. Also when I read back through I noticed that you said the doctor wore a lab coat. That makes me think of evil scientists preforming experiments so I don't know if that's the right word there. Or if they really are wearing lab coats maybe she's in a special hospital because of what she has gone through. I agree with Snoink I would think she would at least have to go through treatment or something to even be able to see her son.

~peanut~




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Wed Dec 23, 2009 9:37 am
Snoink wrote a review...



Okay! So I don't get this. She is underage, cutting herself, turning to drugs. The child, for some reason, isn't a miscarriage. And, at the hospital... they allow her to hold the child?

Um. Isn't that kind of... dangerous? I mean, would you let someone who clearly looks like she's been going through some sort of traumatic experience hold a child? And, even if you think that's a good idea, then why would you put the child in her arms when she's unconscious (remember, she wakes up with the child in her arms)?

And why is her mother being such a bitch to her? Wouldn't her father dying make her more clingy? Maybe you can explain the disappointment, but it doesn't explain everything. Why was she able to throw her out of the house without a problem? This seems to be set in our world, so she can't legally throw her daughter out until her daughter is at least 18. Otherwise, child protective services gets involved. Plus, her name has a potential to be slandered. So why would the mom do this?

And the dad! What's his deal? How did he die? What sort of relationship did he have with her just before his death?

And what about the guy who impregnated her? Unless she's giving birth to Jesus or something, another guy is probably involved. Whether it be from a rape to someone she knew and loved, that needs to be addressed. It'll give us a better background to understand your character, if that makes sense.

So yeah... a lot of questions. And yeah, some lingering questions in a story can be good! Just... when they are lingering questions about whether something is even plausible, that generally is a plot hole, and plot holes are generally bad! Also, the stuff about the dad and mom and such... those will help flesh out your character and make her seem more real to us.

Good luck! :D




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Wed Dec 23, 2009 4:13 am
Mo. says...



Thanks heaps for the reviews! I'll keep working on it. :D




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Wed Dec 23, 2009 12:25 am
jakfelix wrote a review...



Hi Mo. Firstly i'd like to say i think this is a really nice little piece. The grammatical errors seem to have been mostly covered so i'll just tell you my thoughts on the story. I think in such a short time it's difficult to fully realise the reasons for such extreme depression and I'm not sure whether you need to. I think the line "If only her father was alive. If only she was not pregnant with a son. If only her mother loved her" may be too blunt, in a longer piece of prose the reasons could be more carefully examined. Also i think her pregnancy isn't clear enough. In the first part of the story, when the imagery of the blood and self harm are really clear, maybe you could describe in some way the round belly etc which would strongly commit her pregnancy and also be a simple juxtaposition to the morbid imagery of the tears and blood. It just didn't really hit me that she was pregnant and this is a powerful part of the story. Anyhow think this is nice and hope this helps.




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Tue Dec 22, 2009 10:57 pm
peanut19 wrote a review...



Hi Mo :) Here I am. It seems like people have already picked up on the grammatical errors in this piece so I'm going to focus on the characters. I felt like I knew your character, but only through her mistakes. I didn't know anything really about her life other than what you came straight out and told us. I also didn't know she was about to have her child while she was doing all of this. I think you could use flashbacks in this piece to really portray her emotions. Like have her think about the father of her child and make a mark for that or have her remember about the other scars. It would give us a more in depth reason to feel emotion for her and joy when she realizes she can start over. Just a suggestion. This piece, though it's short, had lots of emotion already. I just think doing something like a flash back or memory would make it longer and add to it :). I hope this helps and I wasn't just rambling. PM me if you add more to it.

~peanut~




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Tue Dec 22, 2009 6:55 pm
CaitlinGrant wrote a review...



Hey, i read your post on the chatwall. I'm Caitlin, nice to meet you. Now for the nit-picking!

Mo. wrote:As she slid the cold metal across her skin, tears streamed down her soft cheeks.

somehow this doesn't seem to flow too well. maybe switch it around to 'Tears streamed down her soft cheeks as she slid the cold metal across her skin.' i know it's tiny, but that sounds better to me.
Mo. wrote:Scars scattered across it.

This sentence doesn't fit, I'd suggest just taking it out.
Mo. wrote:“Ahh!” She screamed as a wave of pain tormented her body. She shuddered as the pain subsided.

Take out the "Ahh!", I don't think that it gives justice to the pain you're trying to convey. Also, replace the period with a comma so that it looks like this. 'She screamed as a wave of pain tormented her body, then shuddered as the horrible pain subsided'.

Overall:
I really like htis. It's short, but it gets to the point and conveys all the right emotions. So you've done a really good job with this. Hopefully, this review helped at least a little bit :D




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Tue Dec 22, 2009 2:38 pm
Mo. says...



Thanks heaps for the reviews! I think I've fixed everything you've mentioned! :D

~Mo.




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Tue Dec 22, 2009 2:18 pm
CottonCandyCliches wrote a review...



This was a nice piece, well-written and portrayed the lady's emotions pretty well.

A few of the sentences felt odd to me, particularly the second paragraph. I think you should refrain from starting too many consecutive sentences with 'she' and 'her', and I would have liked it if you had described the pain after she drew the knife across her skin. It would have made it feel more real, to have us feel the pain she was feeling.

It could have used some elaboration at certain points there because the descriptions felt kind of abrupt; perhaps paint a more vivid picture for us by describing her surroundings, her emotions, the anguish she's feeling, etc etc.

Having said that, this is a piece that could actually go somewhere with just a little tweaking. It's an interesting concept that keeps people reading, wanting to find out more about this mysterious lady, the baby, what happens next and such.

I hope my review was helpful and constructive enough, and I look forward to seeing more work from you. :)




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Tue Dec 22, 2009 1:52 pm
Chirantha wrote a review...



Hey Mo, I'm here as you requested.

Ooh, nice story. You have made a nice use of the figurative language to add colour into your story, well done. The point that made me read this story on and on, is that it was captive in it's structure. The way you have added small bits of her own life into some places was really a great idea. I loved it.

Mistakes

The pain shot through her like electricity through a cord.

You can try changing this to, 'The pain that shot through her was like electricity running through a cord' or 'A pain shot through her, like electricity through a cord.' Your choice.

It was the only way, the only way to let it out, the only way to fix the pain, the only way to distract herself from the unbearable torture that lay within.

I like the way you have used 'The only way' to emphasize each point, but sort of monotonous to hear the exact same phrase used about 5 times in a row. You can try breaking this into two, after the first 'the only way' That way, it seems much better.

The only way to hide the feelings she kept inside.

It's better to pause after this 'the only way' with a comma as you are about to write the most serious infomation regarding her life.

Her wrist scattered with scars.

Cut the 'Her wrist' part and substitute it with, 'It'

If only her father where alive.

Shouldn't this be, 'If only her father was alive'

how she wished her unborn son could have a real mother.

This should be, 'could have had a real mother'

she realised she were in a hospital bed.

Should be 'she was on a hospital bed'

Characters

Even though this was a short story, you could have added some of the basic description of this women in this story. That way, it would have been more better. I'm not saying that this was not a good. But it would have improved the story.

Overall

I think this was a very nice story. No abrupt stops and similar things, and it had its own natural flow from the start to the end. Well done.

Good luck.




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Tue Dec 22, 2009 12:55 pm
Sanareth wrote a review...



Before I nitpick- congratulations. You have produced a fantastic piece I thoroughly enjoyed reading. A wonderful prose beautifully structured- I loved it. Very much.
Now, on to nitpicking. :D

Mo. wrote:As she slid the cold metal from her skin,
This doesn't make much sense... "over" her skin, perhaps?

Mo. wrote:Her wrist scattered with scars.
This sentence doesn't sit well with me... "Scars were scattered over her wrist" would be fine, but I don't think they way you've written it makes much sense.

Mo. wrote:She stare down at the knife that lay next to her,
Typo, I presume. :) Did you mean she stared down?


Mo. wrote:Asleep, she fell,
Very sudden change of state here. Try adding in a section that briefly describes her falling asleep.

Slowly, she realised she were in a hospital bed.
She was in a hospital bed.


A male in a white lab coat walked in,
Why "male"? What's wrong with "man"?





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