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Young Writers Society



A Sleeping Disaster Chapter 3

by Matthews


Melody stepped onto the bus and made her way to the back of the vehicle. The bus lurched as it pulled away, and stepping back to regain her balance, Melody’s backpack swung into a girl sitting in the seat behind her.

“Watch it, Kearney!” she yelled angrily as she pushed the backpack off her lap.

“Sorry,” muttered Melody.

“You’d better be, clumsy idiot,” snapped the girl.

Melody made no reply except to heave her backpack onto her shoulders and walk to a spare seat. She collapsed with a sigh and rolled her shoulders back. I hate high school. I don’t get why all the kids suddenly got so mean. What’s the deal? It’s not like I’m exceptionally strange in any way. Average grades, average height, average looks... she mentally listed all the things that would make people dislike her.

It was with a heavy heart that Melody opened the door to the large colonial style house.

The Myschae momentarily forgotten with the worries of her current friend-less life, Melody dumped her backpack on the kitchen floor and ran upstairs to change into something more comfortable. Changing her jeans for sweatpants, and her heavy sweater for a tank top, she went back downstairs and rummaged in the fridge for something to eat.

Finding nothing satisfactory, she decided to make bacon and egg spaghetti, followed by chocolate chip cookies. After cleaning up the mess, and putting the leftovers away, Melody grabbed a small plate of cookies and a tall glass of milk. Taking that up to her room, she ran down for her backpack. Might as well get my homework done right away. I hope Mrs. Hingham doesn’t stop by tonight, thought Melody remembering that the neighbor lady was supposed to come by daily to make sure she was OK while her father was out of town.

She unzipped her bag and pulled out her books. With her school books out came the Myschae. Oh my word, I totally forgot about you! She picked it up, homework forgotten. Bed was a better place to read. Wrapping the covers around herself, she lay down and opened the book. She glanced down at the pages, bewildered. It was not in English – yet the closer she looked, the clearer the strange writing appeared- like someone’s eyes would adjust to sudden light. As she peered at the yellowed paper she felt herself becoming very drowsy. Huh? It’s not even 6:30 yet…why I am so tired? Must be the cookiesss….

Melody Kearney had opened the forbidden book, and was now thrown into an enchanted sleep. Would she ever awaken?

Alban awoke the next morning from his position on an old couch. One of the legs was missing, causing it to lean at a precarious angle. Old newspapers piled up underneath helped straighten it, but it was still an uncomfortable bed. With a groan Alban stood up, rubbing his eyes groggily. What I wouldn’t do for some coffee, he thought wistfully back to the days when his mother had bought it as a treat.

“That you, Alban?” asked his mother weakly from a creaky bed.

Alban winced at his mother’s pathetic strength. He knew she would not last long. Not on the lifestyle she had developed. What will I do when she dies? I’ll leave and try to get a job somewhere. That’s what. I’ll save up money and then buy a car to live in or something…yeah right. You’re a kid, that won’t work, and you know it! You’ll get caught and stuck in an orphanage. And no one would want to adopt you. You’ll end up living in a crummy orphanage your whole life.

“Alban?!” Beckah now had a frantic tone in her feeble voice.

He roused himself. “Yeah, it’s me,” he spoke dully.

“Where…” pause, “where ya goin’ today?”

“I can’t tell yer; it ain’t safe,” he said, reverting to the commonly spoken slang.

“My own son won’t tell me where he’s gonna be,” the pale woman pouted from her position on the dirty sheets.

Alban heaved a sigh, “It’s not safe,” he repeated firmly. “If you want your dumb drugs, you’d better leave off!” He was angry now. I’m sick and tired of her ‘momming’ me. All she cares about is her stupid ‘stuff.’ It ain’t fair. I wish I coulda left her years ago, but I can’t up and leave me own mom. Dunno why I have to be so protectin’ of her, he thought in frustration. She’s still your mom, even if she’s not acting much like one. She’s done the best she could, his loyalty to his family dug into his conscience.

At his hasty words his mother had lain back down on the lumpy bed, a look of hurt on her sallow face her blonde hair limp around her face.

He glanced at her. “Sorry,” he muttered, no longer upset with her.

Silence reigned as Beckah ignored his apology. Without a backward glance he turned swiftly and left the shack that served as home.

A few hours later found him sneaking up the drive to a large pale blue house. It was his first visit to this one. It had elegant style, built in a manner that expressed wealth without being gaudy. Its navy blue trim finished off the ‘well dressed’ house, completing the picture. Spindly trees lined the blacktop driveway up which a figure was casually walking. After ringing the doorbell several times and receiving no answer, Alban turned the handle experimentally. Surprisingly, a lot of people left their doors unlocked. Yep. It opened easily, and he stepped in calmly. Ah, another easy break-in, he thought satisfactorily. Now the only problem is if someone just didn’t feel like answering the door

Alban had quite an interesting way of robbing houses. In broad daylight he went up to doorsteps and rang doorbells. If he received answer, he made up a panic story of how he lost his dog, and “Did you see him?” or some other such nonsense. If silence was his response he checked the door; if the door was locked he made himself inconspicuous and broke in, but more often than not, he was able casually to stroll in. And if misfortune was his way, and he ‘ran into’ someone in a house he had entered, believing its occupants were out, he upped his lie a notch and pretended fear and panic had caused his uninvited presence. Alban was a very good liar…err, actor.

He walked along the hall and made his way into the cozy kitchen. Usually if someone were home they would have discovered him already, and if not they were probably asleep, which was fine. He had made many burglaries with people asleep in the house.

He opened the fridge, feeling hungry after his long walk, and no breakfast. But first I’d better gauge out my surroundings, see what I want to take first, besides food. Then, if I have an expected visitor, he grinned at the irony of his thoughts, I will have the goods already. Putting his thoughts into action he quickly roamed the rooms, taking whatever choice items caught his interest. He then made his way up the carpeted staircase. This is a nice homey house. I wouldn’t mind living in a place like this, he sighed wistfully.

Turning the corner at the top of the landing, he made his way into a room with its door open, and at its entrance, paused, mouth hanging open. A young girl lay wrapped in a blanket, asleep, yet one could easily see it was not a natural sleep. With fears of waking her aside, Alban walked quietly into the room to examine the strange sight. She lay peacefully, her hand fallen away from an opened, old-looking book, out of which a plant was growing. A plant…growing from a book…? Alban brushed his light brown hair off his forehand in a perplexed manner as he gazed at the pretty girl.

She had an angelic appearance with her light brown hair -much the same as his- softly surrounding her face in a halo. Her features were delicate and rounded, the freckles dotting her nose giving her a childish look. Alban’s curious gaze drifted to the book, catching on the green foliage that gleefully sprang from the yellowed pages.

He stood in awe for several moments, drinking in the peculiar sight. What on earth? This is the strangest thing ever. And why is that girl asleep? Then it dawned on him: Holy cow. No way! That can’t be true, I mean, whoever heard of magic? No. That’s just crazy! He tried to brush the lingering thought aside, but another glance at the girl confirmed his doubts. She still hadn’t stirred, and an unearthly stillness filled the room, almost suffocating in its density. What’s happening, he wondered nervously as fear started coiling in the bottom of his stomach. I should probably get out of here, this is really creepy.

He glanced around the room quickly, and at the sight of the cookies on Melody’s desk, his belly gave a loud grumble reminding him he was famished. He gulped down several cookies in rapid succession, and downed the milk quickly. Yum, cookies are amazing, he sighed in ecstasy, worries forgotten for the moment.

As he was finishing off the last of the cookies, a loud bang pierced the brooding silence. Alban jumped off the desk and banged his knee in his haste to get up. “Whaa…?” he stuttered, cookie crumbs falling from his shirt. He looked like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar, and it would have been comical if he weren’t so frightened. Suddenly a wavering cloud-like substance issued from near the window. It looked almost like fog, yet had more substance.

In horror-struck awe Alban could only watch as letters appeared in mid-air. They were a strange language, similar to what Alban had seen in the Mysterious Library he had visited, where there had been a book called the Curaverse that had captured his attention. As was with the strange book, Alban could decipher the writing. Why can I read this?! It’s in a different bloody language! The lines appeared one by one, fading away after he had read them.

Important:

Rescue the girl and you’ll gain wealth.

Stop the vine, to restore her health.

Travel to a place that you admire.

To capture the clue which you desire.

Hurry and scurry for time is short.

If you don’t succeed you’ll soon be in court.

Alban, by this time, was trying to digest everything (including his poor cookies) without causing himself a panic attack. I should take off. Like, right now! his senses begged him. Wait. Alban, when has anything this exciting ever happened to you? This is really freaky and messed up, because magic doesn’t exist…but I could become rich, and, well, my life has always been so boring. I’ve never helped anyone before, and, oh my word, ‘be in court’ must mean I’ll be living in an orphanage or adopted by awful parents! The impact of the words hit him full force. Yes, but you got this message in a nonexistent language on floating words! How can you believe that? You have to, an inner voice spoke.

Alban sighed, the confusions of the day muddling his mind. You have two options Alban; take the easy way out, ignore the floating message and pretend you never saw the girl or this room. Go home and live as you have before or go on an adventure and help someone who will otherwise… here Alban paused his train of thought as he pondered the situation. Will otherwise what? Die? ‘Stop the vine’ that… that must mean she will be eaten by the plant? Ah, but why wouldn’t it have eaten her already? No…’time is short’…that’s it! The plant will grow and suffocate her! I wonder what clue I have to find? ’Place that you admire,’ hmm, what’s that? Speaking of clues, I wish there was a clue as to why this girl seems so familiar and why I feel obligated to help her?

Alban didn’t know it, but by his intense pondering, he had already accepted the quest. He turned to leave.


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553 Reviews


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Sat Apr 23, 2011 4:05 am
MiaParamore wrote a review...



Hey Matthews. Sorry I took so long, but I was stuck with my own writing. I had to delete so many scenes, re-write them, and then again re-write the entire chapter. So, overall, it was a hectic week. Hope it was good for you. :D

I'd agree with Isha that Melody's character is sort of boring as compared to Alban. I think her character would remain boring in comparison with Alban's since he is that tough street boy, with a cool personality. A person of my age would tend to like his character more than Mel's. But that doesn't mean that your portrayal of her has to be simple. We can't deny the fact that not all people are up for this up-street look, and some would be inclined to like Melody. So, you should have some thickness to her character. She doesn't seem like a high-schooler to me. She is...naive for my liking. It's like I don't know anything about her, apart from the fact that she's brooded by a rich daddy. She needs something of her own. But as Isha said, you've got whole novel for you to get finished off with, so don't worry. I'd only suggest you to take her a bit more seriously, and make us curious about her.

The next critique I have for now is that the way you said the last line about Melody getting stuck in the book was interesting, to begin with. But I really think that it came all too quickly. You didn't give us the time to feel the suspense and the pressure. By the time we could adjust to the fact that something mysterious is going to take place, you just left us with that line. The line seemed to have just popped up out of nowhere, which disrupted the flow of the story. There are some scenes in a story that need more description, emotions than others do, mainly because those are the important ones. They are the ones with which you can tell your message across, or arouse tension in the readers. So, this scene was just like one of these scenes, so I'll suggest you to re-write it rather than editing it up and adding some things. It would need a continuous flow which would come from a re-write only.

Other thing again which I would like to say is that your story is still full of thoughts. Thoughts which are in between the sentences, and sometimes I have to re0write the whole thing to know if it was in italics or not because both kind of format is squeezed together. I'll advise you to stop doing such things, and bring out another way of showing their thought processes. You could directly tell the readers about it sometimes, and at other times use their own voice to show it. You have to find a balance between the two.

There were slight issues with grammar or typos, so you just read through it and then you'll find them. When you do find them, just correct them. There is nothing major about it, so don't you worry.

Anyways, I can't wait to read more. I am really curious to know what and how would Alban help her out. When I was reading it, I thought that it was a wonderful read, and it somehow reminded me of the Sleeping Beauty. It could be a modern take at the fairy tale, but I'd like you to experiment more like you've been doing all this while. Your character, Melody, is going to be kind of in a sleeping mode for most of the novel, I guess, so you really don't have much of her. That is why I advice you to develop her character to the fullest while we still see her. Even though her character's appearance is quite short, she is still one of the main characters so you can't totally forget her. :D

Keep Writing, and post when you need more review in my WRFF thread.

~Shrubs




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Tue Apr 12, 2011 6:12 pm
eldEr wrote a review...



Okay! Chapter three!

First of all - this chapter had its ups and downs. For starters, the writing was still much better than in the first chapter - but you seem to have let your characters thoughts take over again. They aren't linked, they aren't coherent and they come far too fast. You still need to allow your characters more time to think.

There were a few areas that I found that bothered me - for example, where you said that Alban could tell that it wasn't a natural sleep - how could he tell? You didn't describe that enough. What made it look unnatural? Was it the way she was sleeping, or just something in the atmosphere that said, "Dude, this chick isn't sleeping normally."? Elaborate on that a little.

Another thing that REALLY bothered me was that in the last chapter, we were left off with a hook that doesn't even tie into the story. You ended it by saying that the family he was robbing seemed to be expecting him, but you failed to elaborate on that in this chapter. It was a jump that I wasn't comfortable with, and it was also majorly disappointing when you don't find out that something wonderful/horrific happened after a promise was implied in the last chapter. Anyways, that little rant aside:

I was sad to see that Melody is shaping up as what I thought she would be - the friendless loner who uncovers some super-awesome-not-so-good-all-at-the-same-time thing. In her case, this 'thing' is a book with a plant growing out of it. I definitely don't like her character as much as I like Alban's, she's a bit cliche so far, but since it's still early in the novel, I'll give you time to elaborate and make her unique. (I do really want to see you do this, though.)

Alban, on the other hand, has his own voice - one that I like more. He's unique, though at times he seems a little too... detached. His reaction to floating words and magical sleeps just wasn't... realistic to me. It sounded like you were struggling with what to make his reaction here, which I can totally relate to because I usually have the same problems with this sort of thing. It was a very dry-feeling reaction, and basically emotionless. It seemed like he was a two-year-old nomming on his baby-cookies, watching what's going on rather than an older boy who should care and be very, very freaked out. (Nix that - don't make him freak out too much as it gets melodramatic very quickly. I have a problem with that, too. xD)

That aside, this is getting interesting. Just watch for a few things, and you'll be fine. ;) Let me know when the next chapter's out!

Keep writing!
~~Ish





The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
— Mark Twain