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Young Writers Society


18+ Mature Content

Parental Guidance

by MannyPLator


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.

My breath still smelling like pussy,

And I am writing letters, yours truly

I have to admit, in your abscene I have been unruly

Don't act so holy


I am wiping every girl in town,

Till the day I can see your face down

And lying on the bed

With your legs spread


My mind got the best of me,

If you leave me like this, I become shady

And no, I am not the real one

Nor slim, all fun


You can say I exercise for our encounter

With you, I feel like the devil I done barter

Wiskey and fluids on my breath

Waiting for you to take a step


The door to hell is wide open

And your face is tattoed on my chest, a totem

Living in my world forever,

To be honest, you got the better


Of me, and I fell in the abyss

Roaming forever, wandering where's my miss

Well, when we were together I went nuts on your pussy, I hit

God damn, what a trip


For whoever reads my words,

I come from a different world

You need to kill in order to survive,

You need to walk through the field, of mines


And when will I get mine?

In this room, sand flows, time

I feel suffocated

Your touch got me intoxicated


Nine stanzas, once again

It seems like a bookmark, friend

Trying to prove your theories of wanting me, until the end

Until the day, the reaper, I have met 

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Fri Jan 19, 2024 6:17 pm
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi MannyPLator, I am here to review your work.

So first off - I would mention, that you may not quite find the readership you are looking for for a work like this on YWS because users are primarily young - and works are often geared towards less mature subjects. But I'll attempt a review!

Language and Subject
> The first thing that stood out to me is that you use pretty direct language for the sexual elements described. This had the effect of making the piece feel a bit risky / inappropriate - and certainly a little gritty. I think poems describing intimacy can usually lean in one of two directions - either sort of a risky / gritty vibe or a more romantic / even elegant / loving vibe. It seemed like you were describing the speaker's encounter with intimacy to be more of the former than the latter. The partner of the speaker's sexual experience, seems to also be described in fairly objectifying / subject terms - almost like a drug (using words like intoxicated and minefield metaphors) rather than as a person. There are no personal, emotional, or personality details given to describe the partner / subject, just primarily physical descriptors. Personally, I think the poem might be more impactful if you made the subject / partner to be more of a person in your poem - but maybe you were trying to focus more on the speaker's reaction to the experience than their relationship or connection.

I think if instead of using such direct / somewhat language for the sexual portions, and maybe using a bit more metaphor or allusion (to be a little less direct) your poem would feel a bit more thoughtful / emotional rather than simply physical. As it is - the main emotions that seem to come from your poem are anger, anxiety, and being trapped. Your first line and stanza in particular does not portray any sort of positivity or towards the sexual encounter, but an anger, frustration, dismissal. Making me again wonder if they actually hate their partner - or if the partner is some sort of metaphor for death even?

The stanza referencing "slim shady" also made me wonder if the entire poem was really supposed to be sort of a satire of really dramatic poems about death? And if I was supposed to read everything in a bit more of a joking manner (especially because you decided to post it in the "satire" genre) - but I was a bit lost on tone there to be honest and was not sure.

Variety of Themes
A prominent theme in your poem seemed to be death, as I said earlier I was wondering if maybe you were even perhaps alluding to the partner being death or the grim reaper in the last stanza. You reference the grim-reaper, mines, killing, suffocation- a lot of allusions to death, which is not something I'd expect in a poem about intimacy. I think it's interesting that you link the two, but I had quite a bit of trouble figuring out how the two were connected for the speaker and you might spend a bit more time on that. Why is the speaker so wrapped up in death? How does that directly connect to their partner? The title also didn't give me any hints, and I couldn't figure out how it was connected to the poem.

Rhyme
I think generally your usage of rhyme did elevate this poem to feel a bit more thoughtful and intentional than just feelings on a page - and I liked that you weren't afraid to use near-rhyme in some place too - there were a few lines that felt like the rhymes were a bit of a stretch though like "hit" and "trip" felt a little odd?

Overall
I think personally I would have connected to the poem more if the language was maybe a little less direct / vulgar - but that would be more of a personal preference. I think it is interesting to connect the themes of death and intimacy, but as written, I'm not sure you've quite shown the readers how these two are connected - that is something that maybe you could incorporate a bit more in future edits.

Hope this was helpful!

alliyah





"You're wrong about humanity. They are your greatest creation because they're better than you are. Sure, they're weak, and they cheat and steal and destroy and disappoint, but they also give and create, and they sing and dance and love. Above all, they never give up."
— Metatron