z

Young Writers Society



shimmer of a shared space

by Liminality


two lines of light-matter flying sideways

crosshairs, met in the middle where

maybe they set up their new sosh icon.

~

glass-box compendium lit by morning glaze,

mouses with metal bones, and longer days;

a potted fern, from the chess set, lost pawn

~

but we find it again in-game, switch on

the crackling tv set. summer-gone daze

of trying to trace your outline through screens,

through you saying you don't need reality

for love. is that right? the blue night shivers

and glitches into shadows with reds and greens.

~

i don't believe you but consistency

is pulling me into these textual rivers;

one day i'll know where your receiver leans.

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65 Reviews

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Reviews: 65

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Sat Mar 27, 2021 8:57 pm
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pineapple321 wrote a review...



Hi, Liminality!

First, very good word choice. I loved the words like "compendium" and "textual". As I was reading, it was a little confusing but as I got more into it, I understood.

The description you used was fantastic. Such as "crackling tv set" or "blue night shivers". But, the line "I don't believe you....". Who don't you believe? A love interest, friend, family member, etc? I suggest adding something along those lines.

Please don't feel pressured to take this suggestion, I just thought it could make your writing better.

Keep up the great work, I'm excited to see new things you come up with!

Signed,

Pineapple




Liminality says...


Thank you for the review and suggestion! :D



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58 Reviews

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Thu Mar 25, 2021 3:53 pm
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quitecontrary wrote a review...



Hi Liminality! I just read up a bit about modern sonnets, so this should be fun to review!

I'll start with structure:
First off, I didn't notice the rhymes on my first couple of read-throughs, and even when I read it out loud, there were only three rhymes that I really picked up on(glaze/days/daze, icon/pawn/on, screens/greens/leans). Looking back, I also noticed reality/consistency and shivers/rivers, but these didn't stand out to me when I read the poem out loud. I think the reason these two didn't come across as rhyming was because of the stanza jump and the previous lines that didn't rhyme before, so I didn't expect them to rhyme. I also noticed crosshairs/where, but I'm not sure if it was intentional. I did appreciate the rhyme where it stood out, but I'd probably have to have heard the poem read first to pick up on the other rhymes throughout.
As for your meter, I'm not sure there was one... which is fine, I just didn't pick up on it if it was there. Several times it seemed like there was a pattern(first+fourth, third+sixth) but I gave up because it wasn't consistent throughout the poem.

Now, as for meaning and themes, I think I caught on to most of them.
The first image that became clear to me was the tv screen, and after that solidified I saw a lot more imagery that coincided with it("light-matter", "glass box compendium", "glitches into shadows with reds and greens", "receiver leans").
The big question you ask in your sonnet is lines 10-11, and I think it connects back to line 3 and the "sosh icon". Do we need reality(physical presence) to love(a person/"sosh icon")? At first this didn't make much sense to me, but when I broadened "sosh icon" to mean a fictional character, the reality bit made a lot more sense. The narrator rejects the fact that love can be present without reality in the last stanza, and here I thought "textual rivers" was referring to a radio.
This is actually a really interesting question for our day and age, mostly because your sonnet doesn't include books as mediums as well as screens and radios. I tend to agree with the narrator, mostly because even if you are reading a book/watching a movie about a real-life person, most of your knowledge is based on inferences and our ideas about that person. (granted, this is true in real life too, but to a lesser extent I think). I think the question is less about can we like/idolize a person through a screen and more about can we truly love a person through a screen.

Spoiler! :
Actually now that I'm following this path, this seems really appropriate because of covid the pandemic. The reason I didn't pick up on this before was because most of your imagery related to older TV sets, not newer ones.
(did I mention I absolutely love your imagery? <33)

The last line in your poem brings me back to the question of fictional characters versus real-life people, and it makes me believe that you weren't talking about fiction. The inference I'm making is that on the other side of the screen, the person also has a screen/radio/device, and they are listening to someone through that receiver(it "leans" towards the other person). The narrator doesn't ever know whether the receiver leans towards them, they can only hope, and that's why they can't fully love this "sosh icon".
The "consistency" bit was unclear to me, but I took it to mean "go with the flow" or that the narrator only externally loves this "sosh icon".

My overall impressions: (deleted bc my mind exploded on the page and made a mess)
I love love love the imagery and the set-up of this poem!! I feel like I'm watching Saturday morning cartoons with my siblings(playing chess, potted ferns). The one thing I didn't really like was that I really had to persist in understanding the poem(I read it over way too many times xD). The deep narrative isn't clear at first glance, and there isn't really an external narrative that will satisfy one-glance readers. The only things I picked up on my first read through were lots of fun descriptions, but even then I had trouble tying them together. I think if you are going to attempt a poem like this, there needs to be something very clearly tying it all together that any reader could pick up, and I think the best way to do that is just changing the title of your poem. I can't think of any good suggestions off the top of my head, but as long as it draws the reader to clearly look for the TV imagery it should do it's job.

I hope this review helps!




Liminality says...


Thank you so much for the review! I loved reading your interpretations and suggestions! I def agree that having an "external narrative" would be a good idea here~ Thanks also for the detailed feedback on the rhythm and rhyme! <3





No problem! I actually had so much fun reviewing this because I didn't know what the structure was, and I think you did a really great job with it :D




People ask if I ever experience writer's block and I just have to laugh... that's my default position.
— Aaron Sorkin