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Young Writers Society



The Thunder

by Liminality


The thunder will come. No matter how fast or shallow the flash, the thunder will come. Arrogantly, lightning tries to delay its pursuit, to outrun the pursuer. This is a violation of nature. No one can say if the thunder chases, or follows, or is pulled - but when it comes, it comes. That is that.

It is important you know this. You see, even among the best and brightest of your age, not many understand, or are even willing to understand, the futility at the root of what we strive to do at this establishment. We steal. We are thieves. We are running.

From one year to the next, we sap the strength of the millions, perched comfortably in the chairs of this office. Perhaps you don't see it. You, like many others, would have been told that we are, in fact, the strength of the millions, but is it not strange? That which uses a thing is recognized as the thing.

Blasphemy! You shout. You do not see. You do not understand. If you had been where I've been, down here amongst the guts and the gutters of the world, combing through the wires, digging through the systems, rubbing shoulders with the masses, their touch, their sound, their smell . . . If only.

I must tell you. I must tell you my tale. Because one day I tried to shut it down, tried to pull the plug on this monstrosity. For a moment in this wretched universe, all the harsh freezing lights went out; the endless buzzing growl of the machines whittled away; the numbers vanished from the screens; the sun poked out its head through the tar-embedded clouds and dripped honey onto the cold, cold city -- can you imagine? Down below, the people stopped in their tracks, in their rails; and then they put down their burdens; and then they felt each other, knew each other, saw each other; a mother heard her baby cry for the first time. The office stood in shock. Nobody moved. It was as if the scene had sent an invisible wave through the room. It made our outlines shimmer. And everything was so beautiful . . .

Quick. I hear it rolling. This letter is not to warn you, or send you running away on your pods to the next planet. You will not get the chance. There is no time -- I've made sure of it. If you do read this, all the way to the very end, I want you to think. Think for a moment, what we've done. What you've done. What you would have kept doing, if not for this great all-devouring thunder.

Hush. It has arrived.


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Thu Jul 21, 2022 1:12 am
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fantasies wrote a review...



hi, love the writing here!
the descriptions are just *insert a ‘chef’s kiss’ here* beautiful, i would have never thought of the sunshine as honey!
these types of stories leave me confused, yet intrigued. what did the narrator mean? thunder, or something else? it’s just so interesting. i love that.
it reminds me of Supergirl, in her pod, going to Earth (apologies if you have not watched the Netflix show.) her home planet is destroyed, and many of her people had died.
incredible writing, literally. good job :)




Liminality says...


Thanks for the review! Did you have a guess as to what the 'thunder' was referring to? c:



fantasies says...


perhaps a danger coming?



Liminality says...


Ah, I see -- that's what I was going for, so it's super useful for me to know that it came across that way :D Thanks!



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Fri Jul 01, 2022 4:24 am
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JamesPeterson wrote a review...



Heyo, Liminality! I know I'm late to the party, but I found your piece here and liked it quite a bit, so I thought I'd give it a go! :D
I don't think I'll give you much that's new, but I can try.

First of all, your prose throughout this entire short is wonderful. Every word feels delicately chosen to show this somber tale of a dying planet.
Things like

From one year to the next, we sap the strength of the millions, perched comfortably in the chairs of this office.

this one stood out to me, though it seems simple enough.
The lack of direct exposition is also a very nice choice, as it leaves the readers guessing, and yet entirely satisfied with the conclusion. Perhaps satisfied is the wrong word, but you wrap things up well.
There's not much to criticize, however:
Because one day I tried to shut it down,

There should be a comma after "one day", I believe.

Then lastly:
Think for a moment, what we've done. What you've done.

I'm just nitpicking on all this, but I think it would be just a smidgen better as:
"Think for a moment about what we've done, about what you've done."
But that's just me.

Anyway, I just wanna say 10/10, this is proffessional quality, and I loved this piece!
Keep writing, and feel free to disregard my review if unhelpful. :D

~James




Liminality says...


Thanks so much for the review! Your thoughts are much appreciated.



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Wed Jun 15, 2022 7:39 am
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Hi Liminality! Lee here for a quick review!

I'm honestly kinda lost for words. My very first impression, right after the FIRST paragraph was just a "wow." The opening lines are gorgeously written. They pulled me right in. I absolutely love this line:

This is a violation of nature. No one can say if the thunder chases, or follows, or is pulled - but when it comes, it comes

Ajsjsjsjk. I'm inexplicably drawn to this line. It's lovely.

I think you've done a brilliant job at painting a picture of a somewhat dark, dystopian world that's caught in the middle of an environmental decay. Like Plume mentioned, this piece feels like some kind of morbid reflection of our own world. I enjoy the tiny nuggets of this world that you've given us, such as the part about "running away to the next planet;" these are flawlessly interwoven into the story to give the reader a glimpse of this degraded setting.

Another line that's I've completely fallen in love with is the part about the sun drilling honey on to the cold city below; the imagery here is so lush, so beautiful, that I just stared at it for a good five seconds before moving on. :D
All your imagery is great but this particular bit was especially riveting!

Quick. I hear it rolling. This letter is not to warn you, or send you running away on your pods to the next planet. You will not get the chance. There is no time -- I've made sure of it. If you do read this, all the way to the very end, I want you to think. Think for a moment, what we've done. What you've done. What you would have kept doing, if not for this great all-devouring thunder.

Hush. It has arrived.

A great ending to a great story. I think the idea that this is just a reprimand of sorts not a warning and chance to do better, hits home harder than anything else. I also like the ambiguity of what exactly the thunder is; there may be some hints (i was thinking something to do with biological warfare) but it's never made explicit.

I do have a complaint, though, and that is regarding the length of this story. I want more xD
In all seriousness, the length could be extended just a little bit so you can explain athe setting some more, but it's fine even as it is.

This is easily the best thing I've read all week. All month, actually! :D

I'm absolutely going to check out some of your other writing now, I got a taste of your prose and it's amazing. I hope you keep writing!

~Lee




Liminality says...


Thank you so much for the super encouraging review, Lee! I'm glad to hear you enjoyed this piece as much as you did. Your interpretations are really insightful. It's quite an idiosyncratic work, which is why I published it - I was surprised that I'd written it myself xD but I'm keen on trying to work on the strengths of this piece and hopefully incorporate them into my other works as well. Thanks again!



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Wed Jun 08, 2022 3:14 am
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Plume wrote a review...



Hey there, Lim! Plume here, with a review!!

I feel like I've reviewed both novel chapters and poetry from you, and it was nice to review a piece that was kind of both, in a way. I think it really showcases your aptitude for both mediums. In particular, this piece has the engaging flow and rhythm that I feel characterizes your prose and the delightful sound patterns and vivid images that I often see in your poetry. In all, I think it's a lovely work of writing!!

I like the dystopian tone this piece took—to me, it was almost like it was from the perspective of a failed hero, one who tried to break the technological chains that bound their society but eventually paid the price for it. Given the ending, it seems like they might have transformed into a more morally gray type of person. I think it begs a lot of questions but also some great thoughts—I once read an article about how sci-fi is more a reflection of the current world than accurately predicting the future, and I think that rings true in this piece. I think my favorite part was definitely the third to last paragraph, where the narrator tells the tale of how they tried to shut it down. The imagery really shone in that paragraph; one line that really resonated with me was when you described their outlines shimmering. That was a really unique and vivid phrase, and I think it kind of demonstrated the foreignness of a sunny day and interpersonal relationships in this universe.

Your opening sentence and closing sentence were also both great— I like the sort of circle it makes; going back to the thunder, but instead of it going to be here, it's arrived. I like the simplicity of them both—I find that that's key with a great grabby opening/closing lines. It really gives the piece a well-rounded feel and makes it feel whole, despite its length.

That being said, I would be interested in some more context for it; it says it's a letter, so I wonder if it could be fun to maybe play with signatures/other letter features? Maybe it's an electronic piece of mail, so you could incorporate some other storytelling elements in who it's going to. Just something to think about, if you ever did expand it!

Specifics

Blasphemy! You shout.


I'm a bit torn about what to do here, since you've not got any dialogue punctuation marks, like quotations, but "you shout" is still being used as a dialogue tag (if I read that correctly). Even though it might look a little stranger, I'd make "You" lowercase and maybe even italicize "Blasphemy!" It feels too odd to me to have it capitalized, since to me, it conveys the meaning that first "blasphemy" is uttered and then there's a separate shout, which I don't think was your intention? I could be wrong though!!

Overall: nice work!! I enjoyed this sci-fi short story, and I think it functions both as a standalone and could be interesting if explored further! I hope to read more of your work soon! Until next time!!




Liminality says...


Thanks so much for the review, Plume! I really enjoyed reading your interpretations.

The imagery really shone in that paragraph; one line that really resonated with me was when you described their outlines shimmering. That was a really unique and vivid phrase, and I think it kind of demonstrated the foreignness of a sunny day and interpersonal relationships in this universe.


Ah, I'm so glad that line had an effect! It was one of the parts that I'd edited from the 2019 version, so I'm really happy to see that it made an improvement.

Those are also some really good ideas about adding context! Yeah, it's an admittedly very displaced/ abstract piece at the moment. It would be fun if I could get around to adding more detail and maybe doing some concrete worldbuilding to set this in. And you've def got a point that about the random "Blasphemy!" interjection. It does come out of nowhere since the "you" doesn't actually do or say anything up to that point.

Thanks again!




I love how we all band together to break things...
— Kelpies