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Young Writers Society



(DRAFT) Miscreants: Inauguration - Chapter 2.3

by Liminality


A/N: Last chapter, an actress Miriam asked Golzar for help with the raids carried out by the Lions on her village. They were then briefly interrupted by Gerhard and Bryn. In this chapter, Golzar finishes that conversation with Miriam and the Miscreants move on, finally reaching their destination: the Heroes' Guild Hall. Also included: a brief interlude with Tanya.

When they were a safe enough distance away from Gerhard and Bryn, she sat back down next to Miriam. The play was raging on, one battle scene after the next. Wooden training swords clacked incessantly, but Golzar found the rhythm almost calming. After all, it wasn’t steel, and no one was getting hurt.

Golzar gave Miriam’s hand a gentle, but firm pat. “You didn’t hear it from me, but . . .” she said, averting eye contact. “. . . us Miscreants aren’t the sort to side with other heroes in everything.”

Miriam’s posture seemed to straighten at that. “T-Thank you, Dame Golzar.” She bowed her head with unnecessary reverence, and then backed away. “I must take my leave.”

As she gathered her skirts and rose, Golzar cast her a wave of the hand.

The two fools stood like awkward props on the path that cut between seats. Golzar smirked at them as she approached.

“Come on,” she put an arm around each of their shoulders. It was awkward, and strained her shoulders slightly, but Golzar would rather die than acknowledge the height difference was the cause of that. “You’re the ones rushing to go.”

Together, they walked out of the cluster of performance artists, weaving between two wagons and going onto the narrow footpath that would lead them back to the rest of the company and their horses.

Gerhard spoke in a low tone, shooting Golzar a look she knew he meant to be meaningful. “You know why we asked you to leave?”

“Why – Gerhard – asked you to leave, you mean.” Bryn yawned.

Golzar suppressed a groan. Instead she scowled, casting Gerhard a sharp sideways look. “You’re doing it again. The Father-voice.”

Ignoring her, he continued. “There’s been sightings of rebels here recently.”

“Rebels, huh?”

He nodded. “Against the royals. Some of them noble, some of them freepersons, or serfs.”

Gerhard’s lips were parted as though he was about to continue, but suddenly he seemed to think better of it and clamped them shut. He grimaced.

It was a smart move to leave, she thought, grudgingly. Golzar gritted her teeth. Lucretia’s court would come down swiftly on anyone associated with people trying to overthrow the queen, especially so early in her reign. Still, she couldn’t leave the problem of the raids behind.

They approached the village gate from where they had entered before. A young child was trying to creep away along the broken fences, clutching something suspiciously in the front of their dress. Just behind the gate, a couple of the men were playing dice. Golzar didn’t have to look for long to know what it was. She pushed past Gerhard and Bryn, walking towards the child.

“Keep it, okay?” she said, and pressed a few copper coins from her money pouch into the child’s hand.

The ‘thief’ paled at first at being caught - especially since the little pouch in their hand still had the Grey Hound sigil on it – but they didn’t think twice. They accepted the money and ran off.

Gerhard was watching with a frown. “Poor thing. Must be starving.”

Bryn crossed their arms. “It’s a good thing we get paid outta the Guild’s pockets proper now,” they muttered. Golzar saw their eyes drift towards the group merrily gambling with dice in the shade. “Thomas, Harold and ugh, Richard . . . you’d think he’d know better . . . “

Before Bryn could go on, Golzar coughed lightly, making their presence known to the company. People fell into position. She saw Tanya scramble to where the horses were tied. It was time to carry on.

~

A dandelion tuft drifted across the path as Gerhard took the side of the line of Miscreants carrying on their way to the Hall. He watched it tumble, buffeted by the wind. In front of him, always in front of him, these days, Golzar rode on in silence.

The rest of them knew not to bother her when she was brooding like this. Gerhard sighed. She behaved like the lone kings in the old legends, the sort wielding large swords and small, ferociously loyal war bands, under threat from some larger invader.

Thing was, Golzar wasn’t alone now, was she?

He could see the collapsed buildings on either side as well as she could. The frightened, grey looks of the village folk as they scurried past the black-and-grey standards. As they moved past, a pair of crows fluttered, black flags in the breeze, and soared overhead. The reverberating caws followed them long after they left the village gate.

They arrived at the Guild’s stables in that same dreary mood. The surrounding trees had branches which drooped, almost like a veil, shielding the building from view. They brought their horses through carefully. Gerhard winced, feeling a thorn prick his finger as he lifted a branch high above his head. It was a hardly-used entrance, and the heroes guarding the Hall had yet to maintain it in years, likely.

He saw Robert pass the reins of his horse over to Richard, who began leading both his and his brother’s steeds towards the small, inconspicuous stables. Gerhard remembered – it was only the Miscreants who were scheduled to leave their horses here. The others were spread out among three other similarly inconspicuous stables.

Then Robert was approaching him, bulky, muscular arms swinging as he moved into a light jog. Gerhard paused for a moment, before taking the proferred shoulder to balance himself on as he dismounted.

“Have you seen Tanya?” The furrow in Robert’s brow was deep, as it always was, and his light brown eyes shimmering with anxiety. Gerhard removed his hand from the boy’s shoulder, as he reached for his walking stick.

“She’s probably inside already,” Gerhard said. “She likes to be with the horses at all times, remember?”

The two of them walked in a companionable silence, heading towards the stables. They walked between stalls, and in his head Gerhard started taking stock of the people they saw along the way.

The old owner of the stables was standing there, scratching head, puzzling over some ridiculous story Richard was telling him. The two horses had yet to be led to a stall. Gerhard shot Richard a look, and the boy soon made his excuses and started to get to work. Further along the way, there were a couple of Bryn’s former scouting unit tending their own horses.

Gerhard stretched a little to the side to see the person they’d been looking for at the far-most stall.

Tanya was slipping her horse a sugar cube. Gerhard could see her lips moving, as though she was mumbling to the stallion. Every so often, she would flick one of her loose braids of hair over her shoulder absently. Her helmet, including the black ribbon she used to keep her hair tucked neatly under it, was lying on a stack of hay to the side. When he made his way to that row of stables, Tanya turned her head.

"Hey, what's with Golzar and Bryn?" She pouted,

Gerhard patted her head. "Nothing you need ta' worry 'bout."

"Well then." She reached into her cloak and pulled out a scroll. Gerhard tilted his head to the side. Since when did Tanya carry around things like this? It wasn't the expensive sort of paper - in fact, even looking at it, he could it tell it was likely some kind of parchment - but the red seal said otherwise.

"Dame Ariga, right, Dame Ariga the Crab said to show this to you. Don't know why, since it has - my - name on it, but whatever, right?"

Gerhard had to take a moment to register who this ‘Dame’ Ariga was. The only Ariga he knew was Councillor Ariga, and even then people mostly avoided the title.

The scroll unfurled in his hands. He’d gripped it loosely at first, still leaning on the fence for support, but then his grip tightened when he read the contents. A tournament? And Ariga had asked for Tanya?

A smile teased at his lip. “Ah, I guess the rest of the heroes were too lazy, they just had to get a pipsqueak like you to do their job, huh?”

“A tournament is for knights and – real – chevaliers, Gerry! And – I – have no idea how to fight in one!” Tanya puffed her chest with pride. “Yet.”

She gave her best puppy-eyed look. “You’ll show me how to write the acceptance letter, right? And teach me the moves?”

Gerhard squinted. “This isn’t a jousting tournament. It’s close combat.”

“With wooden swords! It’ll be perfectly safe!” Tanya ran up to him from behind the stall, leaving behind the little bowl of sugar cubes, which her horse immediately began nosing.

“Please?”

Gerhard thought about it. The noise of the stables blurred around him. They had never, never allowed her near active combat during the war, but she had served as a messenger and had good stamina. So she had managed to pick up sword fighting, even if from teachers who were often too busy running around preparing for battle to give her proper lessons. Tanya would need to keep her skills sharp, of course, even in this era of peace. There were still quests, still missions to go on that could bring great danger. Bandits, maybe even remnants of the former king’s army.

“Alright,” he said. “But you’ll have to train hard.”

Tanya’s loud cheer at that brought a smile to Gerhard’s eyes.

~

Hulking grey beasts of mountains sloped to the heavens before them. The surrounding mist thickened into a silver fog. He could just barely see Golzar’s silhouette now, and he heard the sound of footsteps slowing as the others tried their best not to bump into each other behind him.

This was where the Guild Hall stood, and would stand, hopefully, for many more years to come. Gerhard inhaled the cool, crisp familiar air – and exhaled with a sigh.

They walked along the side of the mountain for a while, following the trail of white granite as it curved in and out. Where the colours of the trees darkened to a coal-like shade was the place they stopped.

Gerhard’s gaze was drawn towards a place between two bushes, where he knew Bryn’s sapling was. Golzar’s was somewhere further along, further away from the Hall entrance, a door set deep in a cave, marked for the expected travellers that day only by the flicker of a single candle. He would have to show them how to carve their quests and battles into the bark, someday.

Some heroes, being senior enough, would plant a sapling even without officer status. But there was no one like that among the bunch that tied their horses in the stables that night.

Gerhard watched the sun disappear over the silhouette of mountains and sighed.

~

The Hall looked different to her. Crowded. There were footprints, parts of the earth one could count as bald patches. Any wandering guard could tell the place was occupied by unruly gangs of swords, people with their own leadership – only that it no longer mattered if people saw them and knew they were there.

Golzar huffed. It was funny how much people let loose once they knew danger had passed.

She pushed the door open with a creak. There was an emptiness next to her; Gerhard had lingered a few paces behind, probably to stare the at the memory trees as he always did – the sentimental fool.

Golzar only smiled diplomatically when the first two faces she saw were that of William and Ariga. The Guild Chief had his usual drooping frown on, while Ariga stood beside him. There was a bit of distance between them that evening. Interesting.

“Did you lose your way in the woods?” William clasped his hands behind his back, looking down his nose at her. “What took you so long?”

“More likely you got into another fight, Vanguard Racer!” Ariga cackled. She was wearing an eye patch, instead of that glass eye she usually kept in her right eye socket. Her remaining eye glanced behind Golzar at her troops. “All of you look like you’ve seen ghosts.”

Golzar was about to snap back – with all due respect – when Gerhard manifested out of thin air beside her. He was using his commander-voice, all gravelly and low. “Leave us be, Ariga,” he said. Directing that to William would be sacrilege. Maybe. If she were honest with herself, Golzar wasn’t quite sure where Gerhard stood with respect to the Guild’s Old Guard.

Something in Ariga’s expression changed. “Sure.” She pivoted on one foot and began to stroll away.

When they were walking down the corridors to their lodgings, Golzar looked pointedly up at Gerhard. “I could have handled that,” she said.

Gerhard did not reply.


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Fri Dec 17, 2021 1:13 am
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yoshi wrote a review...



Heyo, it's been a while! Life has been giving me a few hard punches, but I think I dodged the most recent one??? Anyways, I found some spare time, and I guess I can start reviewing again. Also, expect more reviews over Christmas Break, bc Christmas Break = no school = more time = yws = miscreants ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Also, I figured out why the decimals in your chapters bug me. It's because it's so hard to navigate when I want to get to the next chapter. Like . . . it's hard enough when you have to go through everything, but now it's even harder when you need to tell the difference between 2.1 and 2.2.

Anyways, that intro was way too long lets get started.

When they were a safe enough distance away from Gerhard and Bryn, she sat back down next to Miriam. The play was raging on, one battle scene after the next. Wooden training swords clacked incessantly, but Golzar found the rhythm almost calming.


I know the 'she' there in the first sentence was referring to Golzar, but it was still a bit confusing at first. I had to . . . . re-evaluate the first sentence after reading the third one.

Also, I had to search up what incessant meant. :) cool word.

but Golzar would rather die than acknowledge the height difference was the cause of that.


Yikes . . . if I was in her position, I wouldn't have put my arms around the shoulders of someone taller than me in the first place, though. I guess that kind of says something about Golzars personality. Whether she's short or tall, she'll still do what she wants.

“Why – Gerhard – asked you to leave, you mean.” Bryn yawned.


Ah, I love the dynamic here. They all seem to have conversations with each other that are so natural! I really dig those kind of family-not-family kind of stories (Yk . . . like The Outsiders style). Honestly, the Miscreants have those kind of properties, which makes it a lot more interesting to read, rather than a story about a bunch of boring ultra mega medieval fighters.

(Not saying that they aren't ultra mega medieval fighters . . .)

Also, I think It'd be better to have 'Gerhard' italicized instead of putting the dashes around it.

“A tournament is for knights and – real – chevaliers, Gerry! And – I – have no idea how to fight in one!” Tanya puffed her chest with pride. “Yet.”


I'll assume the dashes are to symbolize italicizing something? Also, the dialogue seemed a bit awkward when you italicized the 'I'. I don't think the stress fits there.

Also, is Tanya part of the Miscreants? And why the heck does Ariga want Tanya to participate in a tournament for . . . knights.

Doesn't she like take care of horses?

“Alright,” he said. “But you’ll have to train hard.”

Tanya’s loud cheer at that brought a smile to Gerhard’s eyes.


Tanya's attitude here is pretty refreshing. Gerhard and Tanya seem to have a kind of a father-daughter kind of relationship, which I'm unsure is what you were aiming for, but it seems like that anyhow.

When they were walking down the corridors to their lodgings, Golzar looked pointedly up at Gerhard. “I could have handled that,” she said.

Gerhard did not reply.


Ooooooooh. I see some sparks flying here. >:D

I guess Gerhard doesn't see Golzar as competent enough to handle situations like that with William and Ariga, and Golzar is dissatisfied with Gerhard's opinion of her competence.

(And I like how Gerhard directed his retort at Ariga rather than William. Very shrewd of him.)

-crabe yosh




Liminality says...


Hello yosh! Oof, hope Christmas break goes good for you then and that there is no more life-punching to come c: (Ah, that's a good point about the decimals . . . I might have to start introducing chapter titles, maybe from chapter 6 onwards? It might look weird, but maybe it would be more practical. . . )

Whether she's short or tall, she'll still do what she wants.

Haha, I definitely try to portray her as that type of character, though within limits, since she's still supposed to be strategic to some extent and gradually this strategic side of her is growing . . .

I'm always a little torn on whether to use dashes. I started this draft thinking I wouldn't use italics for anything, but once it became clear that people were reading the narrator's POV as third person kinda omniscient rather than as deep POV, that got a bit hard. Also the dashes I think make speech look a little bit more bumpy like it would be in real life, or for characters that just aren't . . . smooth, personality-wise. I might end up changing those bits to italics in future chapters (and then come back to revise these ones).

Also, is Tanya part of the Miscreants? And why the heck does Ariga want Tanya to participate in a tournament for . . . knights.

Doesn't she like take care of horses?


Ah, I didn't explain this very well, but the tournament is sort of a farce in this setting. Now that the war is over, people who know how to swordfight are trying to relocate themselves in a society that wants peace, and creating 'entertainment' for the serfs and freepersons (the commoners) is one of those ways they are trying to do that.

I'm also super glad the familial relationships among the Miscreants are standing out! Yep, Gerhard has a parental or semi-parental bond with a lot of the Miscreants, but it would be strongest with Tanya, as she is the youngest of them (and was never allowed to do any actual fighting during the war).

Thanks so much for the review! :D



Liminality says...


*Oh, and one more point about the tournament - I know the chapter describes the other tournament participants as a threat, and that was probably a bit of overkill on my part but that was just me trying to show that Gerhard is a bit overprotective of his people and also that maybe 17-year-olds even playwrestling with a 13-year-old is still a bad idea, even if they're not trying to hurt each other (only to score points, disarm, etc.) ^^' But Ariga selects her anyway because she is QUITE talented for a kid, and her performing well would be an image boost for the heroes as a whole.



Liminality says...


**And well, Tanya only THINKS the tournaments are for 'real' knights and chevaliers because of cultural conditioning and some naivete haha



yoshi says...


About Gerhard being overprotective, I think it would be nice if you added a conscious thought from Tanya thinking he's being overprotective.


also lol Tanya is a knight in her HEART



Liminality says...


Ah yup, that's a good idea. I'll add that in the revision :D

hehe



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Sun Jul 11, 2021 11:10 am
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Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

First off, I just want to say: that author's note is incredibly helpful, especially for people like me who haven't been reading your story continuously up to this point! I think I might've reviewed a chapter a little bit ago, but it was definitely a while ago. That being said, I think at some point, I will definitely go back and read the rest of it, because your story is phenomenal! (I think I might have promised that last time, too. Sorry for not keeping my word! I've just been busy.)

I really enjoyed this chapter! I think I've mostly only read your poetry up until this point, but I think you also do a great job at writing prose!! In fact, your prose has some very poetic elements to it; I think you have phenomenal imagery in everything. Normally I'm not a fan of scene setting, but the way you do it is so eloquent that my brain can't help but envision the words you write. It's really marvelous.

I also really enjoyed the character dynamics in this, especially Tanya's and Gerhard's. It seemed like she definitely looked up to him a lot; I got a kind of father/daughter vibe, if not like a cool uncle/older sibling one as well. I've always loved feisty young girls and older, calmer men as a dynamic. I think it just always turns out really sweet, and your dialogue exchanges between them really warmed my heart. Despite knowing these characters only for a bit, their personalities leap off the page, for lack of a more original phrase.

The way you spaced it out on the page/broke it up into smaller sections was also very nice. It gave your work a sort of ebb and flow to it. I don't think all of the shifts/"cut-to-blacks" were... for lack of a better word, needed, but it gave your work a really unique pacing that also seemed to just kind of... work with it. In other words, they were choices I wouldn't expect a writer to make, but when you made them, everything made sense. I think a notable example of this was the second to last section with Gerhard observing the mountains. I think it was a really nice moment to build up his character and it was strangely poetic as well. You could have chosen to make the entire scene on the mountain from Golzar's perspective, but you didn't, and instead expanded on this small moment with Gerhard, and it turned out to be really beautiful. Nice job!!

Specifics

“Come on,” she put an arm around each of their shoulders.


Tiny fix: since "she put" isn't a dialogue tag, the comma separating the dialogue from the sentence should be a period.

He could see the collapsed buildings on either side as well as she could. The frightened, grey looks of the village folk as they scurried past the black-and-grey standards. As they moved past, a pair of crows fluttered, black flags in the breeze, and soared overhead. The reverberating caws followed them long after they left the village gate.


Stunning imagery here, especially the bit about the crows being black flags in the breeze. It really added to the desolate mood of the story. I can practically see the overcast sky and gray plumes of smoke.

The two of them walked in a companionable silence, heading towards the stables. They walked between stalls, and in his head Gerhard started taking stock of the people they saw along the way.


I thought that the repetition of "walked" as the main verb of both sentences was a little repetitive. I might replace it with something else, like a synonym, or rephrasing one of them entirely.

"Hey, what's with Golzar and Bryn?" She pouted,


I'm not sure if you were planning on continuing the sentence, but you've ended it with a comma, so either there's more to be said or it's just a typo. Either way, I thought I'd point it out.

Overall: nice work! I think you had really nice pacing/separation between sections, and the character dynamics that were presented really bonded with your imagery to create a very vivid read. I promise you, I'll definitely go back and read all of it at some point. Until next time!!




Liminality says...


Hi Plume! Thanks for the review!

(I think I might have promised that last time, too. Sorry for not keeping my word! I've just been busy.)

Ah no worries! I've definitely done that before myself on some novels haha ^^'

I also really enjoyed the character dynamics in this, especially Tanya's and Gerhard's. It seemed like she definitely looked up to him a lot; I got a kind of father/daughter vibe, if not like a cool uncle/older sibling one as well.


It makes me super happy to see you can get some family dynamics/ vibes from the characters at this stage! Yep, the Miscreants are definitely all quite close with each other, albeit in different ways.

I thought that the repetition of "walked" as the main verb of both sentences was a little repetitive. I might replace it with something else, like a synonym, or rephrasing one of them entirely.


You're definitely right there - I totally didn't catch that when I was writing haha.

I'm not sure if you were planning on continuing the sentence, but you've ended it with a comma, so either there's more to be said or it's just a typo. Either way, I thought I'd point it out.

Oof - yup. And thanks for catching that typo!

Thanks again for your comments on what worked/ didn't, they are super helpful!



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Sun May 16, 2021 6:03 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Liminality,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Huh? Your profile picture lost the glasses? xD Anyway, back to the review:

Last chapter, an actress Miriam asked Golzar for help with the raids carried out by the Lions on her village.


Right here in the author's note, a "called" is missing between "actress" and "Miriam".

"T-Thank you, Dame Golzar."


Just a quick note here: I really like that Miriam titles Golzar as dame, which shows a bit that she sees Golzar as some kind of authority figure. And of course the short stutter at the beginning. Nice little detail. :D

It was awkward, and strained her shoulders slightly, but Golzar would rather die than acknowledge the height difference was the cause of that.


The sentence lost a little grip in the second half. I would either rewrite "was the cause of that" to "between them" or put a full stop after "height difference".

In front of him, always in front of him, these days, Golzar rode on in silence.


I like the sentence because you simply feel a certain intensity in it again with the middle section, which I wouldn't attribute to Golzar or Gerhard. It doesn't sound in a negative or favourable tone. It's more of an expression that Golzar has by now established this law of riding in front of him without directly establishing it herself.

Thing was, Golzar wasn't alone now, was she?
He could see the collapsed buildings on either side as well as she could.


That jump between these paragraphs was too quick, where at first I thought the "he" was supposed to be a "she". I would replace it with "Gerhard" because otherwise it seems a bit like you changed perspective too hastily.

The old owner of the stables was standing there, scratching head, puzzling over some ridiculous story Richard was telling him.


I'd be interested to know what ridiculous story Richard was telling the man. :D

Tanya's loud cheer at that brought a smile to Gerhard's eyes.


It makes me happy to see that Gerhard is not always so grouchy.

There was a bit of distance between them that evening. Interesting.


The "interesting" irritated me a bit, because I can't assign it to any of the characters, and I think you can add who exactly thought that. It seems as if the narrator himself is surprised at the distance between William and Ariga.

It's always hard for me to find something that's a bit out of character in the chapter now. I didn't find anything right away here. I liked that the story moved on from a few places to the Guild Hall and how you set up the scenes to be like something out of a picture book. I am very excited to see what happens next.

I can only repeat what I wrote in the previous reviews, but I love the interactions between Golzar and Gerhard. And that doesn't just mean the dialogue, but also the non-verbal interactions. You always sense this kind of struggle, a rivalry and yet a trust that (especially) Gerhard doesn't want to admit directly. I think that's what makes your characters so wonderful.

Also, a compliment to your continued consistent writing style. The details you add now and then, whether it's just a flower being mentioned, or the birds flying over their heads, or the clash of wooden swords in the background make this world more alive. It gives the story a certain charm.

I think it was in the last part where I mentioned that I can't yet feel so directly where the story will go. In the meantime, however, I notice that it develops a kind of "cosiness" in me when I start reading your chapters, because I am more and more familiar with the characters.It gives me this feeling that I know them and actually don´t want the story to move on. I don't know what your immediate future plans are for Miscreants, but I think exciting character development might be one of them.

I think that's my favourite thing about your story too (not that the other aspects are bad); the characters. You build them up and keep building them up. They are not one-sided or stereotypical or hard to understand. They feel like real people, with tics and strengths and weaknesses and I can tell you enjoy writing them a lot too. :D

Now that the group has reached its destination, I'm very interested to see if there will be some kind of turning point in the story now, and what will happen next for the Golzar and Co.

Enjoy the rest of the writing!

Mailice.




Liminality says...


Hiya Mailice! Ah thank you so much for this review - reading it really made my day <3 (yes my avvie is confused because the glasses are gone @_@)

I did intend for Golzar's position of authority to colour her interactions with Miriam, so I'm super glad you caught that bit! Thanks for spotting some of the parts where the flow got stuck as well - I'll be sure to work on the POV-jumping in the future.

I'm glad it feels like everything is building up! I know this story kind of has a long period of rising tension without things being made super apparent in the beginning, but hopefully that will clear up soon~ And yes as a writer I think I'm most invested in the character development aspect of things in general, and especially in this story, so I'm glad that seems to be coming through.

Thank you again for reviewing - I super appreciate it <3




Perhaps the real rickroll was the friends we made along the way
— GengarIsBestBoy