z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Violence

Micheal's Pennies

by KiraDays


Someone tried to steal Micheal’s Pennies

Michael's Pennies is a board game that requires 4 or more people. One of them will be called Michael. The Michael Player would turn away from the board filled with pennies, and there would be another player called 'The Thief'. The thief player would steal the pennies, and the Michael player could turn around at any time and guess who is stealing his pennies. So, is this the context of the story we're going to hear? No. But my name is Michael, and I do own a toy store. I have that game in stock, but this story has nothing to do with that. However, I did something that if I tell people about it, no one would believe me. That's why I am telling you this story because I know that you can trust me. So, this is my story. A few years ago, my family was in a mafia gang, a godfather-type situation. We were rich and had killed many people, and we had a beef with another mafia family called the Kinskard. After the Kinskard family killed my brother, I knew I wasn't safe. So, I changed my name to Michael and ran a toy store, a store that no mafia gang would ever expect. I don't meet my family anymore, not because I'm a jerk, but because I don't want to get sniped at any moment.

It was just another day at my store. In the middle of my shift, I saw three silhouettes, all of them wearing top hats and smoking cigars. As they approached, I quickly figured out who they were. "Roman!" said my father in a cheerful tone, accompanied by my 2 cousins, Rino and Gusto. "Hey, what did I say about calling me by my real name?! Call me Michael, and if you want to talk to me, come here at closing time!" Yeah, I know I sounded like a jerk, but I didn't want to get caught by anyone. You never know who might be listening to your conversation. My dad and my 2 cousins left, and their expressions were somewhere between "Fine, I'll leave" and "I am disappointed with you." Anyway, let me talk about Rino and Gusto. Rino is an idiot. He never understands the simplest of instructions and almost blew our cover 24 times. He's not good at anything, not even lookout. The only thing he's somewhat good at is being a getaway driver, and when he does become one, he leaves a messy trail behind. Gusto likes to shoot people, and he never plans ahead. He's also a big fan of explosions. He has used so many guns and explosives that I'm surprised he's not deaf yet, although he is mute. I swear with my life that I've never heard Gusto talk; he just nods. I also never saw him laugh. I remember when we were young, we would always try to make him laugh, but we weren't even able to make him smile. I'm honestly not surprised that he is a distant ancestor of the Terminator.

Honestly, I didn't know why some of my family members came to my store today. They were probably inviting me to my sister's friend's cousin's twelfth removed wedding. Oh boy, I was wrong. Once the day turned to night and I flipped the open sign around, my dad and two cousins appeared out of nowhere. They walked into the store with cigars and looked around the place. "Roman! How you doin'?" my dad said with a cheerful tone. "I’m doing fine, and also, no smoking in the area," I pointed to the "no cigarettes" sign for my father, took away his cigarette, and put it in the bin. My dad had the angriest look on his face, but he shook it off after a few seconds.

"Anyways, the Traponi family wants some drugs, so we're gonna hide some in your store. Is that okay?” "NO!" I said loudly, with spit coming out of my mouth. "What are you even thinking? What if kids found it?" My dad had already thought of this and said, "We'll just put it on the top shelf." I facepalmed so hard that there was a red handprint on my face and forehead. "Anyways, I don't want to be a part of this nonsense." My dad put his hand in one of his pockets and gave me $5000 in cash. He placed it in my hand, closed it, and said, "I know your business is going to bust. Here's $5000, but you have to agree to do this job. All you need to do is look out for the Traponi Family, that's it. Anyway, what is your least sold item?" I sighed and pointed to the Lego spaceship. My dad walked up to it, emptied all of the Lego pieces, put all of the drugs in, and placed it on the highest shelf. Dad and the two cousins left the store, with the aroma of cigar smoke still lingering. I had a feeling that the next day was going to be one hell of a ride.

When it was the next day, all I could look at was the Lego set on the top shelf. I was scared that a child could grab it or a dog could sniff it out. After a few minutes, three Italian-looking people came to the store. They looked so familiar. After a few seconds of looking, I realized who they were. I immediately ducked down, knowing that they were the family who killed my brother. I grabbed the landline phone and called my dad. "DAD! The Kinkade family just walked in!" "What!" my dad yelled. I looked back up and saw they were gone and took the drugs. I went back down and told my dad, "They’re gone and took the drugs." My dad let out the most disappointed sigh I had ever heard. "Okay, I will tell the Traponi family what happened, and I'll come back to you today at closing time." Once the phone hung up, I knew that I was back in the crime family.

Once it was closing time, and my dad and 2 cousins arrived with another person. "Hey, hey, hey, hey! Who’s this chick?" I do not trust anyone who is not in our family. They could reveal our plans to other people or cause harm. "Don’t worry, this is Amelia. We used to be in high school together." "Hello, my name is Amelia Jefford," she said with an English accent. Amelia and I awkwardly shook hands. I still didn’t trust her. We all went up to the counter, and my dad explained the plan, "Okay, I know the Kinkade’s timetable, and they will come back to the store next Wednesday. We are going to put drugs into this game box. Ha, this game has the same name as yours, Michael. Anyway, we are going to put the game on the same shelf like today. Later, when the Kinkard family comes in, Michael will give a sign to Gusto, who will give a sign to Amelia, our driver. She will follow the family back home. Since we know their address, we will go at night, break into the house, and eliminate everyone inside. Is that a good plan?" Before we all made a decision, Rino asked, "What am I going to do?" "You'll be the lookout," my dad said with an awkward pause. I didn’t like this plan, but I knew that my decision didn’t count, so we were going to do it anyway.

Next Wednesday, as it comes around, I hope it doesn't get messy. Gusto is in the store, Amelia is in the car waiting outside, and for some reason, Rino is here. I hope he doesn’t mess things up. The Kinkade family surprisingly came, and they are scarier than I imagined—bigger in every way. Bigger bodies, bigger cigars—heck, they even have bigger top hats. They grabbed the Michael Pennies Game, and Rino is standing next to them. At that very moment, I'm begging in my head that he doesn’t say anything stupid, and while I'm doing that, he said something stupid: “Hey guys, what am I supposed to do?” The leader of the Kinkade family immediately turned around and recognized Rino. The leader pulled out a handgun and shot Rino three times. Rino toppled down and hit his back on a bookshelf. The toy store turned quiet, with parents holding their kids tightly. The other two both pulled and pointed a gun at me, gesturing that I have to come towards them with my hands up. Once I did, they then pointed to Gusto to do the same thing. “Where’s the fat guy?” the leader said. Dad came into the store, trying to look like he was making an entrance. The leader turned around and pointed the handgun towards him. “Haha! When will you ever learn, Francesco? To not mess with us?!” the leader said. My dad was bursting with sweat, trying to figure out what to say. “Uh … Stefano, just grab the drugs and move on. We're trying not to hurt anyone.” “Ha! Do you think I’m going to do that? I already just killed a guy. My bloodthirst just started. Also, while you're dead, say hi to your son.” Just before they pulled the trigger, Amelia blazed into the room, which distracted the Kinkards. I quickly grabbed Gusto's handgun and shot all three of them once in the head, once in the chest, and once in the leg. The one I shot in the leg was the leader. He turned around with his entire face red and pointed the gun towards me. “Any last words? Wait, nevermind, I don’t ca-” The leader paused once he felt Amelia's gun on the back of his head. Before he said anything, she shot him, and his fat body came raining down. The package went flying through one of the corners of the room. When the body was on the ground, the customers were still in a state of shock, and Gusto immediately ran toward Rino’s dead body. He picked him up and put him in the backseat of the car and drove off. Amelia went to the corner of the room to grab the package and gave it back to me. “Hey Michael, looks like someone tried to steal your pennies. Anyways, this is a big mess to clean up.” I sighed. “Yep, but what will we do with these people who just saw what happened?” My dad walked in to join the conversation. “I guess we have to run away again.”

So that’s what we did. The entire family moved to the UK. I now work at a candy store, and Rino turned out to be fine; he just got shot in the torso and legs, but he is paralyzed from the waist down. Again, it was a normal shift at the candy store. Three giant silhouettes came into the store, all smoking cigars. Turns out it was my dad and two cousins again. My dad came up to me, leaned on the counter, and said, “Do you want to do another job?”

THE END


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227 Reviews


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Reviews: 227

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Wed Oct 04, 2023 6:32 pm
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NadyaStatham wrote a review...



Trick or Write, curious mind!



Rinisha here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨

The Good Stuff:

First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!

This is a very nice concept to go with the game. I would definitely recommend anyone to start making this game an actual thing. It seems very fun, so I would buy it. Great job on your dialogue and characters. I would suggest smoother revelations of background information and maybe breaking your text up into more small paragraphs.

Because you are new, I don't expect you to be a pro, but don't be afraid to experiment with different writing techniques. You are going to love it here at YWS! I am pretty sure you will learn as much as you share more of these amazing stories like this one. I wish you all the best on YWS.

Areas to Improve:✒️

Here I suggest you go for a more powerful first sentence, more gripping. I understand that you want to add adventure, but it seems a bit vague and subtle to start like this.

Also, try to make this text into smaller paragraphs, because otherwise it seems like one big chunk of text which could make it hard to read

Before

Someone tried to steal Micheal’s Pennies

Michael's Pennies is a board game that requires 4 or more people. One of them will be called Michael. The Michael Player would turn away from the board filled with pennies, and there would be another player called 'The Thief'. The thief player would steal the pennies, and the Michael player could turn around at any time and guess who is stealing his pennies. So, is this the context of the story we're going to hear? No. But my name is Michael, and I do own a toy store. I have that game in stock, but this story has nothing to do with that. However, I did something that if I tell people about it, no one would believe me. That's why I am telling you this story because I know that you can trust me. So, this is my story. A few years ago, my family was in a mafia gang, a godfather-type situation. We were rich and had killed many people, and we had a beef with another mafia family called the Kinskard. After the Kinskard family killed my brother, I knew I wasn't safe. So, I changed my name to Michael and ran a toy store, a store that no mafia gang would ever expect. I don't meet my family anymore, not because I'm a jerk, but because I don't want to get sniped at any moment.


After

A daring thief tried to steal Michael's precious pennies.

Michael's Pennies is a board game that requires 4 or more people. One of them will be called Michael. The Michael Player would turn away from the board filled with pennies, and there would be another player called 'The Thief'. The thief player would steal the pennies, and the Michael player could turn around at any time and guess who is stealing his pennies. So, is this the context of the story we're going to hear? No. But my name is Michael, and I do own a toy store.

I have that game in stock, but this story has nothing to do with that. However, I did something that if I told people about it, no one would believe me. That's why I am telling you this story because I know that[/b] I can trust you [/b]. So, this is my story. A few years ago, my family was in a mafia gang, a godfather-type situation. We were rich and had killed many people, and we had a beef with another mafia family called the Kinskard.

After the Kinskard family killed my brother, I knew I wasn't safe. So I changed my name to Michael and ran a toy store, the kind of place no Mafia gang would ever expect. I don't see my family anymore, not because I'm a jerk, but because I don't want to be shot at any moment.


~~~

Over here the same suggestion. Divide the large paragraphs into smaller, clearer ones.

Before
It was just another day at my store. In the middle of my shift, I saw three silhouettes, all of them wearing top hats and smoking cigars. As they approached, I quickly figured out who they were. "Roman!" said my father in a cheerful tone, accompanied by my 2 cousins, Rino and Gusto. "Hey, what did I say about calling me by my real name?! Call me Michael, and if you want to talk to me, come here at closing time!" Yeah, I know I sounded like a jerk, but I didn't want to get caught by anyone. You never know who might be listening to your conversation. My dad and my 2 cousins left, and their expressions were somewhere between "Fine, I'll leave" and "I am disappointed with you." Anyway, let me talk about Rino and Gusto. Rino is an idiot. He never understands the simplest of instructions and almost blew our cover 24 times. He's not good at anything, not even lookout. The only thing he's somewhat good at is being a getaway driver, and when he does become one, he leaves a messy trail behind. Gusto likes to shoot people, and he never plans ahead. He's also a big fan of explosions. He has used so many guns and explosives that I'm surprised he's not deaf yet, although he is mute. I swear with my life that I've never heard Gusto talk; he just nods. I also never saw him laugh. I remember when we were young, we would always try to make him laugh, but we weren't even able to make him smile. I'm honestly not surprised that he is a distant ancestor of the Terminator.


After
It was just another day at my store. In the middle of my shift, I saw three silhouettes, all of them wearing top hats and smoking cigars. As they approached, I quickly figured out who they were. "Roman!" said my father in a cheerful tone, accompanied by my two cousins, Rino and Gusto. "Hey, what did I say about calling me by my real name? Call me Michael, and if you want to talk to me, come here at closing time!"

Yeah, I know I sounded like a jerk, but I didn't want to get caught by anyone. You never know who might be listening to your conversation. All three of them left, and their expressions were somewhere between "Fine, I'll leave" and "I am disappointed with you."

Anyway, let me talk about Rino and Gusto. Rino is an idiot. He never understands the simplest of instructions and almost blew our cover 24 times. He's not good at anything, not even lookout. The only thing he's somewhat good at is being a getaway driver, and when he does become one, he leaves a messy trail behind.

Gusto likes to shoot people, and he never plans ahead. He's also a big fan of explosions. He has used so many guns and explosives that I'm surprised he's not deaf yet, although he is mute. I swear with my life that I've never heard Gusto talk; he just nods. I also never saw him laugh. I remember when we were young, we would always try to make him laugh, but we weren't even able to make him smile. I'm honestly not surprised that he is a distant ancestor of the Terminator.


~~~

Over here, I think you might want to get Michael to whisper to his dad on the phone. I mean, he doesn't want the Kinkades to know he's calling his dad right. They might think it was the police and kill him.

When it was the next day, all I could look at was the Lego set on the top shelf. I was scared that a child could grab it or a dog could sniff it out. After a few minutes, three Italian-looking people came to the store. They looked so familiar. After a few seconds of looking, I realized who they were. I immediately ducked down, knowing that they were the family who killed my brother. I grabbed the landline phone and called my dad. "DAD! The Kinkade family just walked in!" "What!" my dad yelled. I looked back up and saw they were gone and took the drugs. I went back down and told my dad, "They’re gone and took the drugs." My dad let out the most disappointed sigh I had ever heard. "Okay, I will tell the Traponi family what happened, and I'll come back to you today at closing time." Once the phone hung up, I knew that I was back in the crime family.


Nailed It!💐

The game is definitely my favourite part of the story. I really like the concept of it, it makes me think of the game Spy. Great thinking you did there!

Michael's Pennies is a board game that requires 4 or more people. One of them will be called Michael. The Michael Player would turn away from the board filled with pennies, and there would be another player called 'The Thief'. The thief player would steal the pennies, and the Michael player could turn around at any time and guess who is stealing his pennies.


Overall Feelings:

That was a very nice story and quite humorous too, I must say. You have good grammar along with good dialogue. I would definitely suggest that you reread your story and divide the big paragraphs into smaller ones, and also add some more characteristics to the characters. But otherwise this was a very good start! I hope to read more of your stories in the future!

Be sure to check out…📔🔖

Loosely Lawful | 1 by @Ventomology

This is the story of two adventurers who go on adventures to make a living. When I read your story, I was sure that you would definitely like it. You can get some inspiration from this author on how they provide clarity on some topics along with a great visual of easy to read paragraphs.

Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

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Wed Oct 04, 2023 2:21 pm
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Roxanne wrote a review...



Greetings Storyteller!

Beyond my beloved horizon, I'm setting sail into uncharted pages with an itch for adventure. Through binoculars, I spy with my little eye an intriguing story titled “Micheals Pennies” that deserves a good review. Therefore without further ado, let’s begin.

Very first of all, I must say that I quite enjoyed reading this story of yours. In your story, Roman AKA Micheals is telling the story of the reasons why he moved, again.
Roman is the son of a mafia boss, they were rich, killed loads of people and had numerous enemies. But Roman stepped out of the business, well, he fled after his enemies killed his brother. You've cooked up a rather amazing plot.

But it wasn't only because of your amazing plot that I decided to read this story, but also because of the narrative. You told an action-adventure story through an remarkable narrative. The humour is just really there and it makes the story a whole lot enjoyable.

I find it incredible that you've created a story based on a game, but you've definitely added your very own unique twist to it. I've never heard of this game before, it did, however, add an intriguing element to the story.

You could consider adjusting your pacing, at some points the action feels a bit rushed.
Furthermore, you could also cut the long paragraphs into smaller pieces to make it easier to read.
But other than that, I found this an absolute gem to read. Good luck with your future writing projects and welcome to YWS!

That's it, that's all.
Hoping the review has been of value to you!

With writer’s love,
Rose





I love how we all band together to break things...
— Kelpies