Trick or Write, curious mind!
Rinisha here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!
Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨
The Good Stuff:
First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!
This is a very nice concept to go with the game. I would definitely recommend anyone to start making this game an actual thing. It seems very fun, so I would buy it. Great job on your dialogue and characters. I would suggest smoother revelations of background information and maybe breaking your text up into more small paragraphs.
Because you are new, I don't expect you to be a pro, but don't be afraid to experiment with different writing techniques. You are going to love it here at YWS! I am pretty sure you will learn as much as you share more of these amazing stories like this one. I wish you all the best on YWS.
Areas to Improve:✒️
Here I suggest you go for a more powerful first sentence, more gripping. I understand that you want to add adventure, but it seems a bit vague and subtle to start like this.
Also, try to make this text into smaller paragraphs, because otherwise it seems like one big chunk of text which could make it hard to read
Before
Someone tried to steal Micheal’s Pennies
Michael's Pennies is a board game that requires 4 or more people. One of them will be called Michael. The Michael Player would turn away from the board filled with pennies, and there would be another player called 'The Thief'. The thief player would steal the pennies, and the Michael player could turn around at any time and guess who is stealing his pennies. So, is this the context of the story we're going to hear? No. But my name is Michael, and I do own a toy store. I have that game in stock, but this story has nothing to do with that. However, I did something that if I tell people about it, no one would believe me. That's why I am telling you this story because I know that you can trust me. So, this is my story. A few years ago, my family was in a mafia gang, a godfather-type situation. We were rich and had killed many people, and we had a beef with another mafia family called the Kinskard. After the Kinskard family killed my brother, I knew I wasn't safe. So, I changed my name to Michael and ran a toy store, a store that no mafia gang would ever expect. I don't meet my family anymore, not because I'm a jerk, but because I don't want to get sniped at any moment.
After
A daring thief tried to steal Michael's precious pennies.
Michael's Pennies is a board game that requires 4 or more people. One of them will be called Michael. The Michael Player would turn away from the board filled with pennies, and there would be another player called 'The Thief'. The thief player would steal the pennies, and the Michael player could turn around at any time and guess who is stealing his pennies. So, is this the context of the story we're going to hear? No. But my name is Michael, and I do own a toy store.
I have that game in stock, but this story has nothing to do with that. However, I did something that if I told people about it, no one would believe me. That's why I am telling you this story because I know that[/b] I can trust you [/b]. So, this is my story. A few years ago, my family was in a mafia gang, a godfather-type situation. We were rich and had killed many people, and we had a beef with another mafia family called the Kinskard.
After the Kinskard family killed my brother, I knew I wasn't safe. So I changed my name to Michael and ran a toy store, the kind of place no Mafia gang would ever expect. I don't see my family anymore, not because I'm a jerk, but because I don't want to be shot at any moment.
~~~
Over here the same suggestion. Divide the large paragraphs into smaller, clearer ones.
Before
It was just another day at my store. In the middle of my shift, I saw three silhouettes, all of them wearing top hats and smoking cigars. As they approached, I quickly figured out who they were. "Roman!" said my father in a cheerful tone, accompanied by my 2 cousins, Rino and Gusto. "Hey, what did I say about calling me by my real name?! Call me Michael, and if you want to talk to me, come here at closing time!" Yeah, I know I sounded like a jerk, but I didn't want to get caught by anyone. You never know who might be listening to your conversation. My dad and my 2 cousins left, and their expressions were somewhere between "Fine, I'll leave" and "I am disappointed with you." Anyway, let me talk about Rino and Gusto. Rino is an idiot. He never understands the simplest of instructions and almost blew our cover 24 times. He's not good at anything, not even lookout. The only thing he's somewhat good at is being a getaway driver, and when he does become one, he leaves a messy trail behind. Gusto likes to shoot people, and he never plans ahead. He's also a big fan of explosions. He has used so many guns and explosives that I'm surprised he's not deaf yet, although he is mute. I swear with my life that I've never heard Gusto talk; he just nods. I also never saw him laugh. I remember when we were young, we would always try to make him laugh, but we weren't even able to make him smile. I'm honestly not surprised that he is a distant ancestor of the Terminator.
After
It was just another day at my store. In the middle of my shift, I saw three silhouettes, all of them wearing top hats and smoking cigars. As they approached, I quickly figured out who they were. "Roman!" said my father in a cheerful tone, accompanied by my two cousins, Rino and Gusto. "Hey, what did I say about calling me by my real name? Call me Michael, and if you want to talk to me, come here at closing time!"
Yeah, I know I sounded like a jerk, but I didn't want to get caught by anyone. You never know who might be listening to your conversation. All three of them left, and their expressions were somewhere between "Fine, I'll leave" and "I am disappointed with you."
Anyway, let me talk about Rino and Gusto. Rino is an idiot. He never understands the simplest of instructions and almost blew our cover 24 times. He's not good at anything, not even lookout. The only thing he's somewhat good at is being a getaway driver, and when he does become one, he leaves a messy trail behind.
Gusto likes to shoot people, and he never plans ahead. He's also a big fan of explosions. He has used so many guns and explosives that I'm surprised he's not deaf yet, although he is mute. I swear with my life that I've never heard Gusto talk; he just nods. I also never saw him laugh. I remember when we were young, we would always try to make him laugh, but we weren't even able to make him smile. I'm honestly not surprised that he is a distant ancestor of the Terminator.
~~~
Over here, I think you might want to get Michael to whisper to his dad on the phone. I mean, he doesn't want the Kinkades to know he's calling his dad right. They might think it was the police and kill him.
When it was the next day, all I could look at was the Lego set on the top shelf. I was scared that a child could grab it or a dog could sniff it out. After a few minutes, three Italian-looking people came to the store. They looked so familiar. After a few seconds of looking, I realized who they were. I immediately ducked down, knowing that they were the family who killed my brother. I grabbed the landline phone and called my dad. "DAD! The Kinkade family just walked in!" "What!" my dad yelled. I looked back up and saw they were gone and took the drugs. I went back down and told my dad, "They’re gone and took the drugs." My dad let out the most disappointed sigh I had ever heard. "Okay, I will tell the Traponi family what happened, and I'll come back to you today at closing time." Once the phone hung up, I knew that I was back in the crime family.
Nailed It!💐
The game is definitely my favourite part of the story. I really like the concept of it, it makes me think of the game Spy. Great thinking you did there!
Michael's Pennies is a board game that requires 4 or more people. One of them will be called Michael. The Michael Player would turn away from the board filled with pennies, and there would be another player called 'The Thief'. The thief player would steal the pennies, and the Michael player could turn around at any time and guess who is stealing his pennies.
Overall Feelings:
That was a very nice story and quite humorous too, I must say. You have good grammar along with good dialogue. I would definitely suggest that you reread your story and divide the big paragraphs into smaller ones, and also add some more characteristics to the characters. But otherwise this was a very good start! I hope to read more of your stories in the future!
Be sure to check out…📔🔖
Loosely Lawful | 1 by @Ventomology
This is the story of two adventurers who go on adventures to make a living. When I read your story, I was sure that you would definitely like it. You can get some inspiration from this author on how they provide clarity on some topics along with a great visual of easy to read paragraphs.
Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!
Points: 32581
Reviews: 227
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