z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Mission 365

by Kimball


Chapter 1

I was in my office, working on paperwork. My door burst open like something had slammed it. Then, suddenly, I heard a voice and felt a barrel of a gun on the back of my neck. The mysterious voice said.”Listen up and listen good okay? My name is not important so don't ask. All you need to know about me is that I am a spy and I have done 348 missions and that you are going to be my new partner and i'm going to train you. Okay?”

“Mr. um… uh… Gika he is our best agent it is like he has powers or something.”said a man behind him.”I'm his boss, and I assure you that you will not be hurt.”

“Get your ass off the chair and let's go!”

“Okay.” I said. I stood up and the barrel of the gun was pressed farther into my skin. Chills raced down my spine.

We walked off and I asked “Gika” what was with the whole situation. He said that he would not explain and that he had to explain the next mission. He said that we were going to take down an assassin that had been sabotaging missions.

“So what is with the director?”I asked.

“Director Gahls?”He said.”I don't know he says that he is one of the best government officials ever. But I don't buy it. Although he has been involved in government business for twenty years.”

“Okay.”I said like that explained anything, LITERALLY ANYTHING.

Gika pulled out a pack of cigarettes and I lighter he lighted one put it in his mouth and took a deep breath in and puffed out smoke.“Get your gun ready kid this is no playground. So if your mind has not developed then get ready for it to develop.”

“I don't have a gun!”I said.

“Really!”He yelled.”You don't have a gun? Here take my rifle.”

“Don't you want the rifle?”

“No, my pistol is better, now take the Damn rifle!”

“Okay.”

I got the rifle, I was nervous. But I was sure the rifle would work out great. We rushed in and there a ton of soldiers using shotguns, autos. And snipers. I asked what we were going to do and he handed me another gun and told me to “follow his lead”. It turned out the gun was a grappling hook. He grappled on to these gargoyle type things. He put on these goggles he threw some down to me. I grappled up onto the thing next to his. I put on the goggles and turned them on. They made everything a purplish tint and all the unarmed soldiers were green and the armed ones were yellow. There were also some red.

“Gika what are the red ones?”I asked quietly.

“Silence. Here take this and inject it into your neck.”

He tossed me a syringe gun. I injected it in my neck, I felt something metal go into my neck.

“What just went into my neck?”I asked.

“Now you can hear me in your mind.”GIka said.

whoa. I said to myself.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
1162 Reviews

Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162

Donate
Fri Sep 21, 2018 2:14 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hey Kimball! Here to bring this out of the green room for you! :D

Well, this is definitely fast-paced and high-drama!!

I tend to go for bigger picture things I notice when I read novel chapters rather than nitpicks and grammar because I think that's generally more helpful when we're looking at early drafts of things.

I liked all of the drama and that you have a dynamic opening with lots going on, but at the same time, there's so much going on I'm a little lost and I can't quite wrap my head around it. I think it would be good to slow down this opening scene, and there are ways to do that while still maintaining the fast pace you've got rocking here.

There are a lot of moments in this scene - when the MC is kidnapped and told he's going to be part of this mission, traveling/preparing/getting his gun, the fight, the syringe in his neck at the end. Each one of these moments are big deals and could easily be their own scene.

Now, I know you want to keep the high drama and the fast pace. Think short paragraphs and short sentences. You can still describe things and you can still show things, but it has to be concise to keep it moving. Right now it feels like a lot of telling and I want to see more and feel more alongside this MC. There won't be time for tons of introspection and thoughts, but I at least want to see how this MC is feeling and how he's reacting to this huge life change. I would be terrified and he just appears to be dazed and going through the motions :)

I think if you are able to break each of those moments down a little more into individual scenes you'll end up with a richer product because the reader will be able to connect to your MC on a deeper level and care for the MC more. We'll feel like we're along for the ride with the MC rather than being dragged through :)

I'll leave things there for now, but let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! I hope you keep working on this story :D




User avatar
17 Reviews

Points: 550
Reviews: 17

Donate
Wed Sep 12, 2018 12:42 am
wafflewolf7 wrote a review...



Hey! This was really good! W H A T H A P P E N S? I have a few little critiques to make it even better, though!

First of all, you have some unnecessary repetition in this story.
One example is,
"My door burst open like something had slammed it."
If the door burst open, someone or something most likely slammed it. It's like saying, 'She sprinted rapidly', sprinting is always rapid. The same goes for,
"Then, suddenly, I felt..."
Just suddenly would work.

Secondly, in the sentence,
"All you need to know about me is that I am a spy and I have done 348 missions and that you are going to be my new partner and i'm going to train you. Okay?"
I would change it to say,
"All you need to know about me is that I am a spy, I have done 348 missions, that you are going to be my new partner, and that I'm going to train you. Okay?"
It just sounds smoother in my opinion.

In addition, where it says,
"...our best agent it is like he has powers or something."
I would add a comma-
"...our best agent, it is like he has powers or something."

I would also change the sentence,
"Gika pulled out a pack of cigarettes and I lighter he lighted one put it in his mouth and took a deep breath in and puffed out smoke."
to something more like,
"Gika pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He lit one, put it in his mouth, took a deep breath in, and puffed out smoke."

When you say,
"Get your gun ready kid this is no playground."
I think it might be better if you added a comma,
"Get your gun ready kid, this is no playground."

I would also change 'Gargoyle type thingies' to statues or sculptures instead of thingies.

Lastly, I would add a comma after Gika in this sentence,
“Gika what are the red ones?”,
making it,
“Gika, what are the red ones?”

Keep writing friend! :)




User avatar


Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate
Tue Sep 11, 2018 11:37 pm
Kimball says...



I know it moves fast, but I have it here to see if anyone finds it an interesting concept. So let me know.





*surprised scream* Aaaaah, NaNo!
— spottedpebble