Hey there! Plume here, with a review! I noticed your work has been in the green room for a little bit, so I thought I'd give it a review to bump it out!!
I liked this start!! I normally find stories told through logs, messages, and entries are a little harder to start, but I think this has a very dramatic tone which makes it quite engaging! I like the world you've started developing here—I'm not normally one for dystopian stuff, but I think the whole idea of a god exercising dominance and sort of being a tyrant is a really interesting take on the traditional 'evil overlord" model. I'm very curious to see where the plot takes us from here, too—after I finished, you've left me wanting more, and that's what matters!
The one thing I would say is that this chapter does raise a lot of questions. I'm mainly confused about who the narrator is trying to address. It seems as though they're speaking to the past, but it's unclear if it's to a specific person or if it's to the past in general. It's also unclear whether the story will be from this person's perspective, and told through this log of sorts—given the details you've given about them and their relationships with others, it seems to be heading in that direction, but that ending is awfully suspicious. I think if you're going to tell it from the recipient of this journal from the future, you should alleviate some of the details in this first chapter and either save them for later when they're relevant, or simply do away with them. If it is going to be told from the writer's perspective, however, I look forward to seeing where you take it from here!
Another thing I would have to say is that this part did feel a little like infodumping. Rather than telling the reader all this information, an even better principle is to start in the middle of some action. I could understand why you wouldn't do that if your story is going to be from the POV of someone in the past, but if you are going to be telling it from the POV of the writer of these entries, I think it would make more sense just to tell it in the moment.
Specifics
The world we, no, I, the world I live in is damned.
I thought this sentence was a little clunky. Instead, I'd use some em-dashes to replace some of those commas so that it reads "The world we—no, I—the world I live in is damned." I do like the colloquial tone we're taking right away, and it is quite the punchy sentence!
It was as if he was using his non-dominate hand to write and draw, which is possibly the stupidest thing you can do.
Tiny thing here—non-dominate should be "non-dominant."
I also really enjoyed the formatting of that last entry. It seems as though the enemy got hold of the entry-writer...? Regardless, the strikethrough was a nice touch, and gave it a sinister and mysterious air.
Overall: nice work!! I think this is a rather intriguing start, and I look forward to reading more! Until next time!!
Points: 81482
Reviews: 672
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