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Young Writers Society



Two Girls of Chicago...{Chapter Three}

by Kaywiia


The next morning Lillian’s father had a very important announcement to make. He was going off to work i n the countryside, in a small town called Elk Creek, Nebraska. He would be working on a farm his friend owned. Charlotte tried to seem like she didn’t care, but her heart was screaming in pain. Lillian, however, was in tears. Mrs. Dale shot Mr. Dale an I-told-you-so look. He simply went to go comfort Lillian.

“Now that that is over, can I go to my room now?” Charlotte said.

“Fine,” said her mother, having nothing else to say.

Charlotte ran up to her room, holding back tears. When she finally got to her desk, she rummaged through her bag for a pencil. She got out her journal and opened it with shaking hands. In her journal she wrote,

Dear Journal,

Daddy is going off to work on a friend’s farm and leaving me here. I can’t believe it. Why would he do this to us? Maybe he got fired. That would be awful. Or maybe he just wants to work on a farm. I sure as heaven don’t. But maybe he just wants to leave us. That is probably it. He is bored with us and needs to take a break. But that is okay. Someday he will come back, I hope.

She never got to finish her entry because her little sister came in the room and told her it was time for school. Mondays, she hated Mondays. But it would be over tomorrow, she hoped.

Lillian was glad she got to walk to school with her sister. She was glad the school was still open, for that matter. They walked into the school. Charlotte walked to her fourth grade class and Lillian to her first grade class. Lillian walked into the classroom and went to go sit with her friends.

Her best friend in the whole existing world and even bigger, Vivian, was already in her desk. She was showing off a new bracelet her dad gave her. Vivian stood up when Lillian came over.

“Lilli, look what daddy gave me! Isn’t it pretty? Those are real crystals.” The bracelet was, in fact, beautiful. It was a silver chain, with two large crystals hanging off it. One was pink, one was blue. The other girls gaped and stared at the pretty thing.

But Lillian didn’t care. She knew that bracelets could be lost or stolen. What mattered were friendships. They couldn’t be lost or stolen. Or at least she hoped not. The teacher called for order in the classroom. The lesson began.

Charlotte sat inattentive in her own class; she was even caught off guard when the teacher called her to answer a question. But she didn’t care. In fact, she couldn’t care less. Her dad would be gone when she got home. Nothing else mattered, nothing else at all.

The school day passed uneventful for the girls both. And they went home to a mother covered in tears. Their father had left.

Both girls’ lives were beginning to fall apart.


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135 Reviews


Points: 6280
Reviews: 135

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Sat Mar 13, 2010 11:30 pm
ballerina13 wrote a review...



As the reviewer above me has already told you about the grammar, I will turn my attention onto other things. I enjoy where the story is going and I hope to read more soon. The plot is enticing. I do feel though, that you could add more detail the surroundings such as the walk to school or even the classrooms. The characters are slowly evolving within each chapter, which is good because it urges the reader to continue. So good job there! :D
I do feel that you could describe what each of the sisters look like. Are they tall, lean, pretty, plain. Even there mannerisms. Mean,shy,sweet, prone to be mendacious? What? I like where the story is going. I look forward the reading the next chapter. :elephant:




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553 Reviews


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Thu Mar 11, 2010 3:12 am
MiaParamore wrote a review...



He was going off to work i n the countryside, i n a small town called Elk Creek, Nebraska.

The space between 'in' needs to be removed.

What mattered were friendships.

Use this sentence instead: 'What mattered were friends to her.'
The school days passed #FF4000 ">uneventfully for both the girls .
I changed the sentece's grammar.

Characters: Both the girls are just fine but more detailing can do wonders. You should express their sad feelings more in next chapters. Work on that. Make me sympathisize with both.

Story: I think you have agood story in hand but you seriously need it to be converted in to a good literature work. The words you use are really easy and do not show your vocabulary.

Grammar: grammar is fine but you commit some silly mistakes which i have pointed above. Just read aloud the story before posting it so you can detect errors before someone else does.

Keep writing and thanks for making the chapter as short as possible. :elephant:





Daddy Long Legs are more closely related to crabs than spiders and somehow the idea of crablike creatures with spider legs that have escaped the entrappings of the primordial sea and now crawl over land and can walk up and down walls and ceilings creeps me more than I can adequately describe.
— Snoink