Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The Mysterious Girl

Here I am, alone again I've lost my wife, my children, but I have a question. Why and how? WHy must I be blammed for this insident I did not do. How did it happen? But this wasn't the first time I was alone I was alone oen more time, It was my childhood. The memories came back to my mind, memories, not good memories. I grew up on a farm in England somewhere, with my family. I had a mother, father, one sister, and two brothers. I did have two sister but one disappeared, lost, never found still to present day. I woke up oen mornign the caps were there at my family's little farm. My oldest brother Brian who was fourteen at the time had told me those cops were dangerous. They carried guns around just to shoot people for no reason, they could whip them out and shoot you prefectly between the eyes before you could blink. Then my mother and father came in and told the family (Brian, Myself, Moose, and Tilly) about Leanna's so called death. The cops found a body in our neightbor's field, the Leavegoods. They hated us children except Brian he was a smoother, cutting his body into everybody's mind and heart. I knew she would never go into the Leavegood's yard, she was my best friend, a sister. My parents believe the brothes should be closers than a brother and a sister, so we played along. We sent hate back and forth to each other to have approval of our parents. Still have an approval doesn't mean having a loving approval. They hated me, their favorite was Brain, the first, the smartest, the handsomest son. Anyway, my sister knew about the leavegoods they wished revenge on us, I have not idea why but they did they hated us just like my parents. After Leanna's disappearance Tilly the youngest, only seven, became a dull, blue, depressed child. They thought it woudl help if they moved, so we moved to Arkansas. Still she was down, nothign to do to help, a helpless little child.

Today I have no connection with my family I lost connection with them a long time ago it would be nice to meet them again. I don't even know if my mother or father is still alive. If Tilly is still living the way she did she would have comitted sucide(?) by now. It would be nice to meet them again without my parent's judgement. My Wife is died, my children were taken by services, I live in a big empty mansion of sadness.

THanks, but yeah I'm stil a young writer so I make a few mistakes every here and there. But I try my best, which is really what it is about that job is for the editor. lol

Hi KCunder,

As I was reading this, I noticed that the sentences could be cleared up a tiny bit. You could've used a bit more full stops. I also noticed a couple of typos. I think Mickixoxo has gotten to the majority of them. So I won't go into them anymore. I'd suggest that you read over it again though.

Also noticed that you have four sentences in a row starting with 'I' which can get a bit mind-numbing and dull. Can I suggest you change the sentences into something more interesting? Something like this:

I grew up on farm in England. My family consisted of my mother, father, sister and two brothers. One of my sisters has disappeared, lost. She still hadn't been found to the present day. One morning, I woke up to find the cops at my family's little farm

KCunder wrote:The memories came back to my mind, memories, not good memories.

KCunder wrote:I grew up on a farm in England somewhere

KCunder wrote:They hated me, their favorite was #FF0000 ">Brain, the first, the smartest, the handsomest son.

They hated me, their favourite was Brian. Their first, smartest and most handsome son.

THank you redfang18, for your kind words. I will try to do that, but I have prblems esspressing emotion sometimes But thanks for telling me!

Chapter One was beautiful. Almost like the general plot of Shakespear's Hamlet. It breaks my heart just to feel the main character's pain. You're turning your readers into empaths that way. I suggest you put a little more emotion into the story to keep the readers on the emotional path of your main character. With that, I now rest my case.

Yeah sorry, I was writing it in a rush. See I started to publish it like three times, and might of messed up during the process. Thanks for the support. And yes the parents are very harsh to Leo (MC). I will be contiuing tomorrow I hope!

You spelled your chapter title wrong, and that's the only other structural nitpick I have.

About your sister and the like, was that sentence supposed to mean they don't want the MC and their siblings to love each other? If so, messed up parents, man. Anyway, not much else I can say, because it was kinda short so I couldn't grasp your writing style much. Looking forward to Ch. 2.

Here I am, alone again I've lost my wife, my children, but I have a question. Why and how? #FF0080 ">Why must I be #FF0080 ">blamed for this #FF0080 ">incident that I did not do. How did it happen? But this wasn't the first time I was alone#FF0080 "> [period] I was alone #FF0080 ">one other time #FF0080 ">[period] It was my childhood. The memories came back to my mind, memories, #FF0080 ">but not good memories. I grew up on a farm in England somewhere, with my family. I had a mother, father, one sister, and two brothers. I did have two sister#FF0080 ">s, but one disappeared#FF0080 ">; lost, never found#FF0080 "> still to this day.

I woke up#FF0080 ">, one morning. The cops were there at my family's little farm. My oldest brother#FF0080 ">, Brian#FF0080 ">, who was fourteen at the time#FF0080 ">, had told me those cops were dangerous. They carried guns around just to shoot people for no reason, they could whip them out and shoot you #FF0080 ">perfectly between the eyes before you could blink.

#FF0080 ">My mother and father came in and told #FF0080 ">our family (Brian, #FF0080 ">myself, Moose, and Tilly) about Leanna's so#FF0080 ">-called death. The cops found a body in our #FF0080 ">neighbor's, the Leavegoods, field. They hated us children except Brian#FF0080 ">.#FF0080 "> He was a smoother #FF0080 ">(? this word doesn't quite make sense), cutting his body into everybody's mind and heart.

I knew #FF0080 ">my sister, though, and she would never go into the Leavegood's yard, she was my best friend#FF0080 ">. My parents believe the #FF0080 ">girls and boys in our family should be #FF0080 ">closer than a brother and a sister, so we played along. We sent hate back and forth to each other to have approval of our parents. #FF0080 ">(I don't understand those two sentences. If they are supposed to be loving toward each other, then why are they "sending hate back and forth". That doesn't make sense. Also, just the way you phrased it doesn't make much sense. "We sent hate back and forth to each other to have approval of our parents". What does that mean?)Still have an approval doesn't mean having a loving approval. They hated me, their favorite was Brain, the first, the smartest, the handsomest son. Anyway, my sister knew about the #FF0080 ">Leavegoods#FF0080 ">, they wished revenge on us, I #FF0080 ">had no idea why#FF0080 ">, but they did#FF0080 ">, they hated us just like my parents. After Leanna's disappearance Tilly#FF0080 ">, the youngest #FF0080 ">who was only seven, became a dull, blue, depressed child. They thought it #FF0080 ">would help if they moved, so we moved to Arkansas. Still she was down, #FF0080 ">nothing we could do would help, #FF0080 ">she was a helpless little child.
Today I have no connection with my family#FF0080 ">. I lost connection with them a long time ago#FF0080 ">. #FF0080 ">It would be nice to meet them again. I don't even know if my mother or father is still alive. If Tilly is still living the way she did she would have #FF0080 ">probably committed suicide by now. It would be nice to meet them again without my parent's #FF0080 ">judgment.

#FF0080 ">Now, my wife is #FF0080 ">dead, my children were taken by services, #FF0080 ">and I live in a big empty mansion of sadness.