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Young Writers Society



Lessons for Skyler: Chapter 1

by JulsKG


*****THIS IS NOT A TRUE STORY. IT'S FICTION. NONE OF THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME***

I’m going to explain to you what happened on one of the most important nights of my life. It might be a little sketchy because I was drunk, but this is an important part of my life, and the reason for yours. I think you’ll appreciate it.

One year, three months, twenty days, six hours, twelve minutes, and two seconds. One second. Eleven minutes! Wait, damn! My watch is slow, that’s right.

“Dom!” I yelled.

“What?” he yelled from the bathroom.

“Is your watch fast?”

I heard the toilet flush. “You’re going to ask me that when I’m trying to piss?”

“Yes!”

The sink turned on. “God, Trinity, I don’t know. I’m not the military. Nothing for me has to be synchronized.” The sink turned off, and Dominic emerged, wiping his hands on his pants. “You are ridiculous.”

“One year, three months, twenty days, six hours, ten minutes and thirty-three seconds, Dom. Time is a’ticking.”

“Your brain is a’ticking, I can tell you that.”

I rolled my eyes. “Sorry, but I’m just done with this place, Dommy-nick.”

“Don’t forget about me when you hit it big.”

“Never!” I smiled.

“So, what are we doing tonight? Movies, mall, park…?”

“I’m thinking club.”

“Ah! Yes, I got this hot, new pair of pants, and I heard that Moonlight in Central Square has some fine as fuck boys come in every Friday.”

I smiled. “Alright, but you have to help me decided what to wear.”

He smiled. “Sure.”

After fussing through my closet, Dominic pulled out a black mini skirt with a lime green tank top and black hoodie with skulls down the back. We quickly threw on our ensembles and headed out the door.

“Now, I might end up leaving with some dude tonight,” Dominic warned.

I smiled. “You know I don’t care. I’m not going to be the one doing the Walk of Shame tomorrow morning.”

He rolled his eyes. “It’s more like a Walk of Pride. I got laid and those other people didn’t. They’re just jealous.”

I shook my head, but my mind was still occupied on what had happened that night last week. I bit my lip as the bouncer let us in after Dominic had pulled some girls out of the line and slung his arm around them. We got inside.

“I’m gay,” Dominic told the hopeful looking girls. They all sighed and went to find some straight hotties.

I shook my head at him again. “You’re awful, you know that?”

“Hey, I got us in.” He shrugged. “Now, go take your mind off things, baby girl.”

I wandered to the bar and sat on one of the stools. There were bowls of nuts set out. I took one and began spinning it around. The bar tender walked over to me. She was well into her thirties with matted brown hair, but she was actually kind of pretty. I smiled.

“What can I get you, hon’?” she asked.

“Um…can I just get a Sam Adam’s?” I asked.

“ID?” she asked.

I pulled out my fake ID and flashed it to her. She nodded and went to get my beer. I continued to swirl the nuts and think about that night. Don’t worry about it. Everything will be okay.

My thoughts were interrupted when the bar tender slung my beer toward me. I handed her the money, and she went back to tending other people.

“Hey,” a male voice said.

I looked over to see a handsome guy smiling at me. He had a Sam Adam’s in his hand. His white teeth had some sort of effect on me, throwing me into a daze.

“Hey,” I answered.

“You seem kind of down,” he commented.

I twirled the nut bowl. “I am.”

“Any particular reason?”

“Not one I’m comfortable talking about with strangers.”

“Well, I’m Elias Marks.”

“Trinity Audley,” I said shaking his hand.

He smiled at me. “Nice to meet you.”

The night went on, and after a few beers, courtesy of Elias, I found myself grinding on him. He was getting hot and bothered, and I was getting drunk. Soon enough I had no memory of anything. Things got blurry fast. The scenery swirled before me like I was in Satan’s demented funhouse. I saw Elias’ face as he hoisted me onto a bar stool. He was buzzed.

“I-I th-think you’re pretty…hot,” I slurred drunkenly.

“Well, thanks. You’re pretty sexy, too,” he said.

I began kissing him sloppily. Then, after that, I don’t remember.


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114 Reviews


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Sun Dec 27, 2009 7:51 am
RoryLegend wrote a review...



Hello!

I have to tell you I have no experience with trying to write drunken memories so I'm not sure if I'll be much help.

I think that you should turn this peice into a script instead of a short story. You have a lot of dialogue and it's more important anyway. I think it could turn into something really well done dialogue wise. I mean you can add a lot and really give it something. I know you are trying to write it off of something that really happened but the truth is vastly over rated anyway so why not have fun with it?

I really think there should be more between the main character and the guy she meets. Also the very beginning kind of confused me. What is the count down for?

But anyway, I really think you shoud just go over it more and consider making it a script.

--Rory




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Wed Dec 23, 2009 12:15 am
Moriah Leila wrote a review...



Hi, me again! Glad to see that you've been able to post some more. You've done a colorful job of explaining how Trinity became pregnant, but as Lena pointed out, you haven't done much to progress your story. You do a great job showing the relationship between Trinity and her friend Dominic. But I do have some things I'd like to point out.

First of all, why would you have the protagonist tell her child that the child was a drunken mistake? How would you feel if your parents told you that you were an accident? If you feel it is imperative that the readers know how the protagonist became pregnant, why not come up with something a bit more classy.

Secondly, I got the impression that your characters were more mature, just by the conversations and the way they acted, and yet the protagonist needs a fake i.d. to drink. Furthermore, you can't often hand off a fake i.d. and expect to get away with it. Why not just make your character old enough to drink legally?

Finally, you don't give us much characterization. We know Dominic is gay and Trinity is easy, and the name of the father is Elias. Other than that, we don't know what they look like. We don't know their strengths and their weaknesses. You show us very little emotion from any of your characters.

I think you need to stop and take some time to develop your characters. If you need help with this you should visit the usergroup Character Development. There are some awesome activities there that you can do. PM me if you have any questions or need help. Hopefully this has been helpful.




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Tue Dec 22, 2009 11:18 pm
Lena.Wooldridge wrote a review...



First off, I have to say that I totally relate to trying to write memories from being drunk! I've tried to write so many stories, but they always turn out dumb! Haha, now to review...

Grammar
:arrow: Overall there are very few grammatical errors, I found this one though:

you have to help me decided what to wear

Should be "decide"

Characterization
:arrow: We don't get to know any of your characters. At all. To me, they just seem to be random teenagers.

Plot
:arrow:
One year, three months, twenty days, six hours, twelve minutes, and two seconds. One second. Eleven minutes! Wait, damn! My watch is slow, that’s right.
What the heck are you talking about?

:arrow:
black mini skirt with a lime green tank top and black hoodie with skulls down the back
Nobody wants to hear about how your character dresses.. And this outfit is also pretty weird, no offense. Haha.

:arrow: There is no clear plot line at all in this, it sounds like you are just bragging about some underage drinking night you had, when you basically got date raped by some old guy.

Overall
This was very well written, kudos for that! However, there is no plot line, we don't know anything about the characters, and, basically, we don't really care.

NOTE: You might want to put a rating on this (ie, 18+) because it has cussing, sex, drinking, etc.

PM for questions
Cheers,
-Lena

EDIT: Oh my god, I thought that this was literally a memoir. Haha, I'm so dumb x)





Just because you don't feel like a hero in your own story, doesn't mean you're not a hero in someone else's.
— Tenyo