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Young Writers Society



M.A.X

by Imagination


"Max, telephone!". My government-guardian yelled from the living room. The government gives one to everyone that needs to be under a watchful eye, especially if they're over eighteen like me. I picked up the phone. "Hello.". No one replied. Hanging up the phone, I heard a vehicle pulling into my driveway. The govvy-buddy let the suited men in. They rushed up to me and handcuffed my wrists.

"What the-"

"You're under arrest, Max Alexis Renaē. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do or say will be used against you in the court of law."

I didn't understand. Alan, one of my best friends, said I'd be safe here on Earth. He's usually never wrong. What's happening?

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176 Reviews

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Wed Dec 23, 2009 1:27 am
Lena.Wooldridge wrote a review...



I agree with Peanut, the extra periods after the dialogue aren't needed.

Secondly, if he was being arrested by the government, they would usually call him by his full name, which would probably be "Maximillian", however silly that is.

But, we have no idea what is going on. Who is Max? Where is he from? What the heck? You need to tell your reader what is going on.

PM for questions
Cheers,
-Lena




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201 Reviews

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Mon Dec 21, 2009 8:49 pm
peanut19 wrote a review...



Hi Imagination :) Welcome to YWS I'm peanut.

"Max, telephone!".

That period is not needed if you are using the exclamation point.

"Hello.". No one replied.

Again the extra period isn't needed. Also when you pick up a telephone it's like you are asking a question when you say hello, especially when you don't know who is on the phone you could put a question mark.

Okay this was very rushed. I don't know anything about your character at the moment and there are tons of questions floating around my mind. I don't even really know where they are. If this is a prologue it can still be longer. Add descriptions about what the house they are in looks like. What time of day is it? Adding things like this will make it easier for readers to imagine what is happening. If you post more please PM me I'd love to read more.

If you have any questions PM me.

~peanut~





Tons of cowering! Plus your name in the summer programme. A custom-designed banner. A cabin at Camp Half-Blood. Two shrines. I'll even throw in a Kymopoleia action figure.
— Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus