z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Witch of the Rotten Borough, Chapter Five

by Horisun


Author's Note: I wrote this rather late at night, and also revised it rather late at night, so please forgive any super obvious typos + mistakes. 

Jo finds Oscar sitting at the base of the mayor’s porch, whittling at a small wooden block, and whistling awfully off-key. Engrossed, he doesn’t spot her until she is sat on the steps beside him.

“A success?” he asks.

Jo considers before answering, gently smoothing the folds of her skirt. “Yes, of a sort. We got our guide. We leave in two days, before sunrise.”

“How is the Peterson family holding up?”

“Poorly,” Jo responds, “I had wondered where all this smoke stemmed from; I’ve gotten my answer.”

Oscar winces, “And Ms. Miriam? Was Susanne the niece she was going to see?”

“I didn’t speak with her. Ms. Angelique wouldn’t allow me inside the house.”

“Huh,” Oscar hums, shaving wood absently from his sculpture as he thinks.

“That is odd, isn’t it?” Jo continues, frowning, “What was she trying to hide?”

“Probably nothing. I imagine that the Peterson’s are mourning the loss of a daughter. Some family’s are very private about such affairs.”

Jo’s scowl deepens, she can feel the lines forming between her brows. She rests her chin against the heel of her hand and watches the silhouettes of thrush arc across the smoke-clouded sky. “Well, Angelique believes that the Peterson girl is still alive. It’s why she agreed to go with us.”

Her frown has infected Oscar, but his is the more sympathetic variety. “What leads her to think that?”

Jo doesn’t curse; but she releases an exasperated sigh that could easily take the place of one. “I don’t know. She refused to elaborate. But all that matters is that we’ve got our guide, and we’ve got our supplies. The only thing left is to get up that mountain.”

“And kill a dragon,” Oscar adds helpfully. “And also, possibly, save the Peterson kid.” He muses.

She sighs and shakes her head. “Possibly,” The word tastes bitter on her tongue. A lie, no matter how well intended, always does.

“By the way,” Oscar says abruptly, “someone has come calling for you. The duke, what’s-his-name?”

“Oh no,” groans Jo.

“Good gods,” he startles, “What have you done?”

She stretches as she stands to her feet. “Kind of you to assume I’m the one at fault. I only turned down an invitation to his estate.”

It is Oscars turn to scowl, an expression that does not suit him very well. “Why do you insist upon insulting the aristocracy in every place we visit?”

“My job isn’t to play teatime with the pompous old folks who cling to their dwindling power and wealth, like little children hold fast to their teddies. Besides, more often than not, they just get in the way of things.”

“The further we are from Sol, the less and less that’s the case. Surely you’ve noticed this. Besides, you work for the Queen.”

Jo wrinkles her nose, “Are you claiming I’m a hypocrite?” she folds her arms, saying stoutly, “Her only jurisdiction is the practice of magic. And even that is checked by the likes of court-appointed scribes, like you.”

“And you don’t think that’s still too much privilege for an unelected official to hold?” he asks.

Jo scoffs. “We aren’t having this debate again, Oscar. Is Duke Mons inside?”

Oscar rolls his eyes, and that marks the end of that. “Kelsey has been keeping him entertained,” he says. “They’re waiting for you in Fitzgerald’s office.”

-

Barnes Fitzgerald’s office is an apt summary of the man himself. Disorganized, chalk full of glittery old knick-knacks, and a bookshelf barren of books. The room itself is not unpleasant; plush carpet squishes beneath Jo’s feet, and the walls are lined with paper spun of sugar. But the room smells of dust bunnies, and she can only assume that the man waiting for her there stinks worse of corruption.

Darion Mons is a young man. Much younger than Jo thought, and certainly not older than herself. Twenty two, she thinks.

He’s thin, with hair the color of straw and perfect teeth that he bares in an overlarge smile as Jo walks into the room. He wears the nicest suit Jo has seen since she boarded the train to Monsbury. It’s an ebony black that stands out as starkly as fresh words on a page, and his shoes too, are as glossy as an inkpot.

Kelsey stands behind Fitzgerald’s desk, almost using it as a barricade between herself and the rooms other inhabitant. Relief floods her face when she sees Jo.

“Duke Mons, this is Doctor Josephina Gundry. She’s the Magic Practitioner from Sol.” She says, all in one breath. “I’ll go fetch you two some tea.”

Having put a voice to this inelegant excuse, she darts around the desk, past Jo, and out the door. Duke Mons watches her go, smile still bared.

“I’m happy to make your acquaintance, Duke Mons.” Jo folds her hands carefully in front of her, “I will do everything in my power to kill the dragon, and to set things right in Monsbury, and the lands that surround it.”

The room stays silent. Long enough that Jo prepares another series of words to sharpen, but not long enough for her to wield them. The duke’s smile broadens.

“And that’s why you denied my request for audience, yes?”

“It was not meant as a slight. I’m sorry if it was taken so,”

“Oh, no, no, no. Nothing of the sort, Ms.” Duke Mons strides over to the mayors desk, and takes the overlarge chair. He extends his hand toward the seat opposite it. Unperturbed when Jo remains unmoving, he continues, “I only had an offer for you. One I think you’ll like.” When she says nothing, he continues, “The affairs of my people concern me, as much as they concern Barnes. Whether they are on the eastern side of town, or mine. I would like to provide you with additional supplies and resources. Your companion has informed me that you procured some from one of my townsfolk, but you can never be too prepared when intending to scale King Mountain.”

“Oh,” says Jo, genuinely surprised. “That’s… very generous of you.”

“Really?” The duke says, pleased, “Why, it’s what anyone would- should- do.”

“A generous spirit is not a trait I have noted in most aristocrats. Your willingness to help speaks greatly to your character,” Jo hopes she isn’t laying it on too thick, privately wishing that Oscar was here instead of her. But Darion Mons smiles from ear to ear.

“I am very happy to hear that you will not protest to me and my men joining you on your quest,” he says.

Jo’s brain grinds to a halt, like a train stalling on tracks. “Pardon that?”

“You will need a guide up the mountain, no? Outsiders traipsing up King Mountain alone rarely fairs well, as the locals are quick to inform you.”

“Yes, but,” Jo reaches to pinch the bridge of her nose, before catching herself. His leap in logic so sudden, she feels she flails about like a whale knocked ashore. “Your vassal,” she grasps, “Angelique Peterson. She has already agreed to the task.”

Darrion Mons dismisses this with a flick of his wrist, “Peterson, pshaw.” He says with contempt, “You don’t want her help. She’s been very unstable since her kid sister died.”

“The one who went missing a few days ago?”

“That’s the ticket!” He still wears a wide grin, one that stretches the corners of his face and turns it into something almost unearthly. His smile is a mask, like Barnes- but where the mayor conceals his overabundance of fear, the duke can’t quite bite back his monstrous arrogance.

Jo takes a step back. “Your offer for supplies is kind. However, there is no need for you to leave your estate unattended. We are likely to be gone for a long time.”

“My darling wife is equipped to handle any eventualities that will occur during my absence,” he is quick to reassure.

Jo grits her teeth and thinks about what Oscar would do. She proceeds to do the opposite, “Your offer of help is appreciated but not accepted. We do not need your entire militia acting as fodder for the dragon, and they will only slow us down. The Queen of Sol sent me to do a job that I am very capable of doing without your interference, thank you.”

The smile vanishes from the duke’s face. It does not fade, it does not slide, and it does not falter; it is simply gone. And out unfolds a tantrum, “It is all or nothing, I’m afraid,” he spits, “if you will not have me with you, then you will not have my aide at all.”

“That sounds quite alright to me,” Jo musters a smile of her own, “I’m very glad we could come to an agreement.”


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28 Reviews


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Reviews: 28

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Sat Mar 30, 2024 12:44 am
goodolnoah wrote a review...



Hello again!

Let us continue with the reviews!

Commentary

I feel like my commentary should be fused together for this review, because this section is quite dialogue heavy. The dialogue is great, once again, and so are your descriptions. I feel like the character expressions and dialogue truly get to shine here. With the Duke’s arrogant, gaudy smile to contrast the masks that other royalty wear throughout the story. The Duke is straight to the point, only hoping to stoke the fire that has already been fanned within Jo.

Once again, an engaging chapter!

A line near the beginning really speaks to Jo’s opinions of royalty.

My job isn’t to play teatime with the pompous old folks who cling to their dwindling power and wealth, like little children hold fast to their teddies. Besides, more often than not, they just get in the way of things.


Despite Oscar’s comments, I like Jo’s anti-authoritarian nature. It shows in all of her interactions that she does not do her job for the sake of protecting those in power, but to serve the people. It make sense that she would despise talking with royalty, no matter how high or low on the ladder. This is great preparation for the sequence that comes after, with Jo confronting the Duke.

Jo grits her teeth and thinks about what Oscar would do. She proceeds to do the opposite, “Your offer of help is appreciated but not accepted. We do not need your entire militia acting as fodder for the dragon, and they will only slow us down. The Queen of Sol sent me to do a job that I am very capable of doing without your interference, thank you.”


She finally snaps when he continues pushing for his help. It leads me to wonder why Jo really does not want his help. Is it a matter of her ego, or is it truly for the mission's benefit? I agree that more men would lead to more carnage, but she seems to quickly gain contempt for the arrogant Duke. Not that I wouldn’t either.

Closer

Jo’s hatred of authority is an interesting character trait that could certainly turn into a flaw the further away she goes from Sol. Can’t wait to see where the confrontation with the Duke goes…




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Thu Mar 14, 2024 7:16 pm
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RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello Again, My Friend!

It's me, Raven, and I'd like to review the next chapter in this great story using my Familiar method! Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh...

What The Black Eyes See...

Ah, so Jo has to confront this "duke" character after all. I was hoping that would be the case. I really enjoyed her interaction with Oscar and how that established her forethoughts, and influenced her demeanor going into the meeting. A meeting with plenty of interesting moments, and more characterization from Jo. Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

This chapter was awesome! I'm really surprised by that note saying it was an insomnia chapter (that's what I call my late-night writings lol). The content was great; descriptions were gorgeous, for both the setting and the characters, and the dialogue gave a feeling of tension that really drew me in. There were no very obvious errors, so good job. There were just a few things I could recommend, free to take or leave:

“Probably nothing. I imagine that the Peterson’s are mourning the loss of a daughter. Some family’s are very private about such affairs.”


I think there were some possessive-plural mixups in this sentence. "Petersons" wouldn't need an apostrophe since it's referring to a group, and the same would go for "families." The next thing I would recommend, with these sentences especially, is maybe a dialogue tag touchup:

“And kill a dragon,” Oscar adds helpfully. “And also, possibly, save the Peterson kid.” He muses.


Oscar rolls his eyes, and that marks the end of that. “Kelsey has been keeping him entertained,” he says. “They’re waiting for you in Fitzgerald’s office.”


For the first line, "he muses" felt unnecessary when the sentence already has a tag. As for the second line, I feel that the body language was enough to mark who is talking, and the "he says" felt unnecessary, especially since it's not indicating a specific tone of voice -like, if he were bitter or angry from the remark, then a note about him "muttering" or "grumbling" would work, but for just plain speaking, our minds will default to that without the tag.

On that note, you are really good with the nonverbal details, like expressions and body language, so big props to you for those. It's just dialogue tags that may need a little bit of love -and I'm working on this in my book too so you're not alone lol.

Kelsey stands behind Fitzgerald’s desk, almost using it as a barricade between herself and the rooms other inhabitant.


Another very minor error, there's a missing apostrophe in "room's."

Now of course, I am not a professional, so please always take my advice with a grain of salt. I mean nothing negative, and the chapter was great as it is too ~

Why The Grin Widened...

There was even more characterization in this chapter, and I enjoyed every bit of it!

Starting with Jo meeting Oscar, I was surprised by the turn of the tone toward the end, how Oscar actually seemed somewhat annoyed by Jo's disrespect toward authority. It would be understandable if he was just concerned about repercussions from these powerful individuals, but it seems like this was hitting on a personal level.

“And you don’t think that’s still too much privilege for an unelected official to hold?” he asks.

Jo scoffs. “We aren’t having this debate again, Oscar.


Not only personal, but it seemed to increase tensions between them, like this could be a weak spot in their partnership. Intriguing, I wonder if that's foreshadowing or just buildup for the meeting. Either way, I thought it was a nice addition. Speaking of Jo's continued rejection of authority, it may come with cons or risks, but it sure makes for cool lines and character moments, like this:

“My job isn’t to play teatime with the pompous old folks who cling to their dwindling power and wealth, like little children hold fast to their teddies. Besides, more often than not, they just get in the way of things.”


The confidence! The sass! I like it ~

I may be off, but it seems like Jo was trying to be more passive toward the duke on behalf of Oscar, given that she was trying so hard to think about what he would do in the situation. Which implies a core trait of thoughtfulness and compromise. This line makes the best example, and I was surprised by Jo's choice of words:

“A generous spirit is not a trait I have noted in most aristocrats. Your willingness to help speaks greatly to your character,” Jo hopes she isn’t laying it on too thick, privately wishing that Oscar was here instead of her.


I don't expect Jo to be necessarily rude here, but I didn't expect such kind words either. Surprising moment to catch the reader off guard. Perhaps it's Jo trying to compromise with Oscar...Or maybe it's something to do with the duke himself. Like something about that charming front is so sly that even Jo momentarily fell for it...Which also makes me wonder if he's just obnoxiously interrupting the mission, or if he'll become a bigger problem, like an enemy...

By extension, you've also instilled curiosity with the duke's offer. Is this a situation where Jo will be overconfident in her abilities, get overwhelmed on the mission, and wind up having to swallow her distaste and cooperate with the duke? Or is it the other way around; is she spot-on in rejecting his offer, as he's underestimating her abilities and will only slow her down, if not worse? Perhaps it's somewhere in the middle...

Excuse my theory writing, lol, the point is that you've given us lots of details to work with, and by extension, you've drawn even more interest and anticipation in Jo's mission! Good job with that!

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, awesome chapter as always, nicely done! :)

Image




Horisun says...


Thank you so much for the review! I%u2019m always really happy to hear your thoughts%u2026 and you%u2019re definitely onto something with your theorizing ;)




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— Mary Bennet, Pride and Prejudice