Young Writers Society

I think you should probably write when you are more rested. Wow, that came out a lot meaner than I meant. What I mean is that, you are obviously a good writer, just not at three in the morning. Just like I am a good writer, but not when I've been up that late.

It is obvious that you did not edit this piece before you posted it, since it is riddled with spelling and punctuation mistakes. Please, for both of our sakes, edit your work before you post it here. That way we don't get distracted by the minor stuff and can focus on the big picture.

You wrote:

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Sugar is sweet and so are you,But the roses have wiltered, The violets have died, the sugar is unedilbe and you have gone.

This basically made my eyes burn. This is so overused and unoriginal that it totally ruined the whole poem for me. You are a talented writer, you don't need to rely on cliches like a crutch. Please, get rid of this line.

Finally, when punctuating a poem, you would do it just as if you were writing this in paragraph form. Put commas and periods where it is most natural. You don't need to capitalise each line, unless it follows a period.

Hope this has helped! Keep writing, you've got what it takes.

Alright. This was a nice poem, but I do have a few nitpicks. I'm going to go through it stanza by stanza.

Heart Thumping,
Terrifying,
What can I do now?

This is a grabbing opener, but I feel as though you don't continue the thought. You explain why you feel this way, but I have a hard time believing it. If I had nothing to live for, I wouldn't be terrified of anything, because you have nothing to lose. You might be bored, lathargic, empty, but for me, fear wouldn't be involved unless my world is being destroyed. Just a thought. I also think that you seem to be describing yourself in the first line, "Heart thumping," but something else in "Terrifying." Perhaps you might want to change it to "terrified." I don't think "Thumping" should be capitalized.

For I have nothing to live for,
My life,
My world,
Whatcan I do now?

What about your life, your world? I feel like I want a description there. What's happening to your life and world? On the other hand, perhaps you're saying: "Not for my life, not for my world." That would make more sense to me, but you can do whatever you want. You're missing a space between "What" and "can."

I cry myself asleep,
Or scream in silent pain,
What can I do now?

As a reader, I want to say: "...cry myself to sleep," but I don't see anything wrong with "asleep." I like the second line, but I'm not sure I'm reading it as you want me to. I'm thinking that the pain is silent, but isn't all pain? Did you want to say that you're screaming silently?

For I shall damage myself,
For the better,
What can I do now?

This doesn't really make sense to me. What damage are you doing to yourself? Perhaps it would mean more if we knew earlier in the poem that it was about love. If you wanted, you could turn it into a suicide note, but I'm not saying that's the first thing that came to mind the first time I read it.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Sugar is sweet and so are you,
But the roses have wiltered, The violets have died, the sugar is unedilbe and you have gone.

I'm terribly sorry, but I read this stanza and thought: "Where did this come from?" It seems really out of place in the rest of your poem. All the other stanzas are 3-4 short lines. This one has two, really long line. The roses and violets thing is overused, but you made it different with the second line, so that was nice.

Overall,I enjoyed the poem. Although "What can I do now?" is the theme here, I think you've tried to pack it in where it doesn't fit. I got tired of reading the same line every two or three lines. Perhaps it would be more effective if you just had it at the first and last stanzas, or maybe just the last. It also seemed too short for me. Embelish more. With a little work, I think you could make this a very well-written poem!
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
-Sea-