Young Writers Society

Great! Of course, I'll get to it asap

I read every little bit of what you said. Everything you've made commented is great, and I'm learning alot from you! Thank you so much for talking about Adara's character- I do realize that she's remotely shallow and way too awesome

However, this essential flaw is unfixable. I'll definitely try to muffle Adara with a few other, less robust characters, but she's pretty much the hero (or "heroine" in this case) :/

As for grammar, haha

As for:

I was flattered (and also a little thankful for her virginity #FF00FF ">erm… )

Hey again! Sorry if my reviews are a little behind x)

Chapter One

I awoke to the same sounds as before, laughing and speaking. All was enveloped in darkness now and a lone cloud covered the moon. The parking lot smelt of leaden gas- why do I know this smell? Oh yeah…

I’m reminded that I’m at the Saturday night party, having escaped from the pavilion for fresh air (and apparently a nap as well). I try squinting, to adjust to the darkness.

Something meaningful clicked… literally.

My eyes crashed open due to a sudden physical nakedness. A draft passed over my wrist. The Patek watch was gone! I panicked for a moment, until I heard a female voice come from across me.#FF00FF "> I was looking for something in this paragraph that clicked, literally, but it doesn’t look like there is. If there wasn’t any real clicking, then don’t say ‘literally’.

Only a few inches shorter than I, a girl with straight and wispy, cusped black hair sat on the hood of a sports car, holding the watch.#FF4040 "> I think it should be ‘Only a few inches shorter than myself, a girl, with straight and wispy cusped black hair sat on the hood of a sports car, holding the watch. She had exotic, dark-brown skin. Middle Eastern? Egyptian? Israeli? I couldn’t guess. Her eyes were so demanding that I couldn’t look away.

“Come get it.” She coaxed. #FF00BF ">“Come get it,” she coaxed.

A second passed of my determining what to do. Trying to make sense of this, I did what any honorable, self-respecting guy would have done: I jumped off the hood off the car and tackled her.

We came down on her side, and suddenly the watch was in my hands… then it wasn’t. She ducked under my arms and slipped the watch into her jacket.

Then she did the unthinkable. With a single backwards look, she ran. She was stealing from me!#FF4080 ">This last sentence is quite obvious x)

I was thoroughly fazed at this deft, sly thief who’d stolen from me in my sleep and managed to escape my grasp, all with relative ease.#FF00FF ">this is also obvious; what else would he be surprised at? The first thing that crossed my mind was to catch her. I booked with everything I had.

Just feet away, her black hair striped my vision. I could smell her perfume. #FF4040 ">What did it smell like? This would be a good thing to describe.

Past lines of cars, motorcycles, and stumbling drunks, we ran. Her speed was incredible. Every second brought her farther from me, no matter what I did. We were both fit, which made it an even chase- my only advantage was supreme knowledge of the surroundings.

For every chance I got, I took shortcuts. But still, her celerity blew my mind. Her arms and shoulders swung back and forth to gain momentum. My head was throbbing yet I couldn’t stop.

She jumped atop a car and continued with greater speed down the line of chrome hoods. Metallic thuds accompanied her every stride. Was she showing off now?

Running to my utmost, I could still barely keep up with her jumps. At the end of the line of cars, she fell forward and expertly rolled on the ground, then staggered with less speed than before.

This was my chance. I sprinted. Catching up would be tough, but I knew she was just human.

When she heard my footsteps come closer, #FF00BF ">no comma though, her entire body suddenly bent into a convoluted twisting motion that involved a backwards flip and bicycle kick to my face. I had stellar reflexes, though.

With my own twisting motion, I dodged the unwelcome foot and threw a kick of my own. I was now more concerned with stunning this girl enough to get the watch back than I was of being nice.

Shockingly, this ninja-like girl actually took the hit. It was a surprise to both of us that I’d managed to kick her. But, she absorbed the blow in a deadly forward direction that sent me down to the seat of my pants. Now she stood over me, stunned and puffing from my kick, but still in control.

I jumped up and snatched at the watch. She let me have it. We both stood panting on that dusty ground, hands on knees, eyebrows furrowed.

I wanted to give her a piece of my mind, “What the h-“

“- Serves you right for causing all this.” She motioned around the field, at the drunks, at the pavilion filled with the skanky girls and the crude laughter. We stood in the middle of a wide, dark expanse. Grainy dirt had settled into both our hair from my falling down.

“All what? What’s wrong with this place?” I yelled, “It’s a thrill!”

“No, it’s a hangout for miscreants. Do you know how many sexual assaults have been reported in this immediate area?”

This caught me off guard. But suddenly the whole thing made sense. She’s the one that reported these parties!

I fumed, “You little- you were the one that-“

“- That what?” she droned on and on, “You have nothing against me! So what that I reported this hovel? You should thank me for saving you trouble with the police. It hasn’t just been assault, you know, it’s been drug dealers and black-marketing and robbery! Every Saturday night, this field of yours is a hotspot for crime. I’m here to stop that… You’re welcome!”

My mouth was agape. Seriously, what could I do? I knew about the assaults that were reported on this field, I had a vague sense of the drug dealers that frequented these things, and I knew that practically half the kids not wearing designer clothes were just here to pickpocket, which reminded me:

“Hotspot for crimes, eh? What about you taking my watch? That was cold robbery!”

“Cold robbery? What about the girls that were assaulted in this very field? That, right there, is true robbery.”

A glass broke in the pavilion, which distracted me. She didn’t look away.

I was now very angry, “Are you blaming me for what they do?” I pointed at the pavilion, “All I do is help set up these parties. It’s everyone’s own moral choice whether they want to assault someone. It has nothing to do with me! It’s like a store owner being accused for encouraging theft just because he keeps a cash register.”

She shook her head. “The difference is that you’re all sneaking out to do these parties, which makes the blame collective. I’m sure your own parents don’t even know you’re here.”

“Why should you care?” I countered, “Just party like the rest of us, girl! You didn’t have to report us.”

“I see. #FF0000 ">comma” she muttered, “So you’re throwing in your lot with them.”
She made a general wave of the hand toward the pavilion and the packs of wild teenagers outside its entrance. It was a lofty statement, and I wasn’t prepared to answer it.

However, the conviction in her tone was strong. This made me jealous. I took a side, just like her.

“Yes, actually, I’m throwing in my lot with them. Ya’ know- you’re just some random girl who doesn’t know left from right. You’re in no position to make accusations! I mean- what is this? Huh? You think you’re better than everyone else?” It was an honest question.

She considered it, “Much.”

I shook my head. I thought her pride would put her below everyone else. At the time, I didn’t know I was wrong.

“If you’re so great,” I retorted, “then why did you steal my prized watch?”

An awkward moment of silence passed. She chuckled sarcastically.

“What’s so funny?” I queried.

“You kicked me in the gut! No one’s ever managed to do that.”

“Hey! Don’t change the subject.” Her attempt at avoiding argument made me laugh, too.

So, we both chuckled out of caution and fear of the other person. And yet, I caught myself wondering if her gut truly
did hurt. I might have even felt sorry for kicking her.

Her eyes caught mine, so I looked down. Her sarcasm and my annoyance changed our attitudes to a common apathy. In other words, this was so tiring for both of us that we no longer cared about the watch, or the kick.

The aura between us had evolved from anger and frustration to stillness and uncertainty. This black-haired, exotic-skinned, strange, pickpocket girl had somehow managed to pass a tentative olive branch. #FF00FF ">A few too many adjectives here for my taste, making this feel cluttered. Pick one that suits her the best. Personally, I think mischievous describes her the best at this point.

I changed the subject back to where it belonged, but this time just to hear her voice, “Why did you steal my watch in my sleep?” I asked.

“Hmm,” she meditated on it, “Why did I steal your watch? Well, I guess I just wanted to teach you a lesson.”

“About?”

Her eyes became very piercing, “About indirectly promoting crime!”

There she was again- back at judging. Who did she think she was?

“You stole my fifty thousand dollar gold Patek in order to teach me about crime?” I blurted.

Then her eyes widened. It was a look of surprise.

“Fifty thousand dollars? Don’t you have better things to spend that kind of money on besides a gold watch?”

That’s exactly what ran through my mind when I bought it. Should I tell her the truth?

“I’ve got everything.” So there was my truth, plain and simple.

Her lips pursed for a second. I wondered if it was jealousy, but what if it was actually pity? Sometimes I pitied myself for being so rich.

“I envy you.” She said with candor.

“Why?”

“Think of the thrills that could be had with that kind of cash!”

Thrills? She’s just like me! I wanted to spew it all out- that we must be kindred spirits, that I probably would have stolen a watch if it meant a good thrill.

I put a hand in my pocket, “What’s your name?”

She looked into my eyes, “Adara.”

“I will never forget that name.” I thought.

“Really? That’s so sweet.”

Wow. I just said that out loud. I only meant to think it.

She brushed a wisp of black hair from her eyes, “What’s yours?”

“Jonah.”

“As in…” she pondered for a few seconds, “Jonah in the fish? Like the Bible? You know- that story.”

I didn’t get that, so I just gave her a weird look and played along, “No, more like Jonah… hmmm…” I looked around, “in the night.”

I said that because my pavilion and field were being taken away. Those things were my night- a night I would no longer rule. A smile crossed both our lips. I thought myself terribly cool, but then I realized the retardation of my words. In the night? Really?

Adara had a look of admiration. “In the night? Are you sure?”

Sure about what? I wondered. She looked imploringly into my eyes, and I didn’t- couldn’t- back down. Somehow, I knew it was a significant moment. This was my invocation into her world. I didn’t know it then, but… her world was the night. She had marked me for life; this was just the beginning. #FF4040 ">I didn’t really get any of this. It seems like you’re trying to foreshadow something that doesn’t need to be foreshadowed. And the dialogue can continue smoothly without this paragraph.

“In the night, Adara.” I reaffirmed, mostly to myself, but also to her.

“Jonah.” She regarded, “Jonah, I- I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“For taking your stupid watch,” she hesitated, “and running away.”

I smiled. She let her obsidian hair fall over her forehead and cheeks. A bond was formed then. We’d be friends, in the night.

“Would you like to come with me?” she asked.

My spirits soared. Of course I would.

“I’d love to.” I said, keeping on her right.

We walked for a time, side by side. It was the fastest sincere acquaintance I’d ever made in my life, and by far the most exciting one. One minute I was napping and the next I was side-by-side with an interesting ‘#FF00FF ">interesting’ hardly seems to describe her; it's too bland. she seems much more than that. person I’d never seen before in my life. Steadily, we avoided silence.

For a while, Adara told me about herself- not anything about family or friends, but rather about her preferences. She told me she was daring and adventurous. Those were two traits we shared.

She liked most of the things I liked. Yet, despite her audacious personality and pride, I couldn’t help but notice Adara was selfless. Regretfully, I realized my stature in life had made me full of myself.

After listening to Adara, I told her we were a lot alike, except I admitted to being selfish, unlike her. I explained my fascination with motorcycles and martial arts, which seemed to interest her. Adara told me she was avid in both, so we talked technical in both topics while we walked, and laughed at our apparent similarities.

Then I took it deeper, to family life. Although we’d conversed openly about motorcycles and martial arts, family talk seemed to bother Adara. Her eyes went cold and her cheeks paled. I decided to tell her more anyway, because no one else could hear me the way she could. #FF40FF ">I really love this paragraph.

With a hint of desperation, I bared my confused life. I spoke of a father who was never home- who’d declined into obsessive working. I told her that my mother suffered from depression, because of a tragedy in the past.

When I was only eight, I explained, my younger brother Simeon disappeared. It had always been my theory that his
disappearance is what caused my parents’ pain.

Simeon’s disappearance put a spark in Adara’s eyes. She looked at me pitifully. I suppressed tears as I told her about my little brother disappearing so long ago. It was better to have this kind of talk with a stranger, when I had nothing to lose.

She suppressed tears as well, and seemed to understand that kind of loss. I wanted so badly to ask her about her own family, but I decided against it.

So I changed the topic and asked about relationships. I noticed she was attractive in her own way. Long, black hair. Well-formed. I wasn’t much for her defiant attitude and constant smirks, but I knew it could be a virtue.

I tried not to walk too close to Adara, but also didn’t want to walk too far. She seemed fragile and unattainable, yet strong and brave. What was her view of me?

She gave a wink, “I think we’re a lot alike.”

“Yeah, sure.” I wasn’t ready for that yet.

“You’ll see, Jonah. Just stay behind me and I’ll show you everything.”

“What’s there to show if we’re so alike?”

She stopped, “Jonah, since these Saturday night parties are being nixed, there’ll be less crime. I’m not a criminal, but I do steal from criminals.”

“You steal from criminals. Hmmm… That’s intriguing.”

She beamed, “Yeah #FF0040 ">comma I know! Prepare yourself, #FF4040 ">no comma though, because the things I’m gonna show you are a bit illegal. But wait! - Because if you bear with me, you’ll see why these things are very right.”

“What kinds of things are illegal and right at the same time?”

“In my book, stealing from criminals is right. Sure, it’s illegal to steal, but they stole first.”

I said, “I’m not gonna lie, Adara- that sounds a little circular. I mean- you stealing makes you just as criminal as them.”

She shook her head and we continued down the aisle of cars. I whistled a tune, something chill to keep me calm under the circumstances. Adara seemed so backwards! It would take a little convincing to show me that stealing was sometimes right.

Adara turned to me. “Get down on your knees, now.”

Seeing she was already in that position, I obeyed. On my knees, I followed close for several yards. No one saw.

Past a few sports cars, we eventually came to a pickup truck I barely recognized. I’d seen it every now and then lingering at the school. On occasion, it visited the field.

“Peek in the back.” Adara ordered.

I did so, to find a large,#FF00BF "> no comma brown duffel bag, as large around as my chest. It was sealed. For all I knew, it wrapped a couple watermelons. Adara knew better.

“Drugs,” She declared, “particularly cocaine.” She did her own peek, “This is the kind of stuff that goes on because of your stupid parties.”

Again came the blame. I bore it.

Adara continued, “Local kids are getting hooked on this stuff, and the only source of it are#FF4000 ">is gangs. Because illegal drugs are such a great business around here, all the gangs want their own stash to be the biggest, so they can sell the most. And where to sell drugs but at a hidden field where rich, high school students hang out every Saturday night? I mean-” she motioned to the pavilion, “they’re all just seeking a thrill, and what better way than that?” Adara jabbed her finger at the brown duffel bag in the back of the pickup truck.

Cocaine was usually a joke among my friends. But, seeing a whole sack of it here in the back of a pickup truck scared me.

She turned to the car next to the pickup, a gray Mazda. After fumbling in her many-pocketed jacket, she produced a small set of keys and shoved one of them into the Mazda’s door.

“What are you doing?”

Adara glanced back at me before opening the door, “This is my car.” She expressed matter-of-factly.

“Oh… Why do you park next to drug dealers?”

Several moments passed of her not answering. I glanced back at the pickup truck, which was also gray, but more banged up. Nervously, I wondered how many kids had been sold drugs at my parties- probably a lot.

“You asked why I parked next to a drug dealer.” Adara retreated from her car and flipped her hair to the side, “Well, that’s because I don’t want to carry this across the field.”

She heaved up her own brown duffel bag, virtually identical to the one in the back of the pickup truck. Opening it, she revealed a neat pile of salt and baby powder. Clever. How often does she do this?

Adara hopped into the back of the pickup truck and tossed the bag of cocaine down to me. A whitish puff rose from the open bag and I unwittingly inhaled it. Suddenly afraid of becoming addicted, I quickly closed the drawstrings.

She laughed, “One inhalation won’t hook you, but just don’t do it again. Toss up the other bag.”

I tossed Adara the bag of salt and baby powder. She simply put it down where she stood, then hopped off. Beside me now, she wiped sweat off her brow, not like this was hard or anything. Although, #FF00FF ">no comma I imagined that stuffing baby powder and salt into a bag beforehand was tough work. Also, the only way she could’ve known the dimensions and color of the dealers’ duffel bag was by following whoever owned it.

With a look that said: See, crack is being sold right under your nose; she took a step back to her Mazda and opened the door. Unabashedly, Adara plopped the drugs under her passenger seat and covered the duffel bag with a blanket.

Having witnessed this, I had questions, so we both sat on the trunk of her car for a few minutes and talked. I apologized for not being aware enough of what these parties encouraged. She told me that I hadn’t seen the brunt of it.

There was so much more going on, she said. And the only way to know about these things was to continue following her.

Amid the din of the pavilion, I was reminded of my friends, and tempted to have Adara meet them. Adara could sit down at our table and explain what was going on behind our backs. She could tell one and all that cocaine-sellers have crashed our parties.

But that wouldn’t be good. They’d accuse her for reporting this place.

However, this place no longer mattered to me. I looked up at the pavilion, remembering when a couple dozen of my friends and I brought the large canvas and steel poles to the field and began erecting it. It had taken weeks to accumulate enough tires and wood and personnel to build a bar here, but we’d done it. That was how I’d gotten to know Andrew, Sid, and Edmund.

But this place no longer mattered to me. Adara mattered to me. She’d shown me what a hero she was. I was impressed, and wanted to know her more, perhaps even in a relationship. Wait, what if she has a boyfriend? The thought occurred to me as we rounded the bar and passed my friends.

I saw them drinking, laughing, and reminiscing. At Adara’s side now, I turned my face away. No one saw me. No one called my name. Buzzed and feeling on top of the world, Andrew wisecracked about “poles”, and I knew they were sharing the memories of how we’d built this place.

And yet, it wasn’t significant to me anymore. Adara looked back to reassure herself that she wasn’t alone, to affirm that I still followed. Lead the way, Adara. I will follow. You’re not alone.

With my friends behind us, we came to a shadier portion of the pavilion. Adara banked away, to the bar. Casually, she took a stool. I followed suit.

The ruddy, splintering brown wood in front of me was not a good place to put my hands, I saw, because that was where the bartender brewed the drinks. Instead, I let my arms dangle.

Adara reached into her jacket, and out came money. I wasn’t sure whether I had money, nor why she’d stopped for a drink.

Nearly hip-to-hip, I could clearly hear her now quiet voice. It was a rundown of the next escapade.

“Ok, see the kid behind me?”

Calmly, I glanced back, “Yeah, what about him?”

“He has a lot of credit cards. Do you know where does he get them?”#FF4040 "> Do you know where he gets them?

“Here?”

I knew the answer, so the question was squat. Where else but here?

“Yes. Here, Jonah, in this damn pavilion of yours. He’s a pickpocket, and I’m going to give him a taste of his own medicine.”

“Eye for an eye?” I asked. Maybe she’s that kind of person.

Adara blinked, “Not my eye, your eye.”

I fumbled for my wallet. Panicked, I realized it had no credit card.

I whispered harshly, “Where’s my credit card? For sure, I had it when I left my house!”

“I’m sure you did. But, I saw him take it earlier tonight, when you brought that cowboy kid in here.” Andy.

Hmmm. Taking credit cards is even gutsier than selling drugs.

I took another glance at the pale, shrewd mess of humanity behind me, who was at least in his early twenties and probably getting a kick out of doing this every Saturday night. It was evil, yet incredible.

The new possibilities of heroism opened up to me. I realized this type of crap was bona fide. The absence of my credit card and the fury swelling up in me sent a clear message: Stealing from thieves isn’t so bad after all.

“Why didn’t you stop him?” It was a lame excuse, coming from he-prey in the jungle.

“It wasn’t the right time.” Said the she-predator #FF00FF ">I don‘t really care for the prey/predator descriptions; they seem kind of random and unnecessary, “Besides, I know how to get your credit card back.” With a straight face she murmured, “repeat after me: Whoa! I didn’t mean to knock you down!”

Confused at this new order, I copied, “Whoa! I didn’t mean to knock you down!”

“No, Jonah, with expression.”

I did it, with expression. She suppressed a laugh.

This was going to be interesting. “Alright,” Adara sighed, “try rewriting how you know me. Imagine you took me out on a date, ordered a drink, then accidentally smacked me backwards.”

I closed my eyes and imagined, ready to do my best. She was counting on me. This was a chance to show her my worth.

“He’s only a few feet behind us.” She muttered without looking back, “Get ready. Watch him peripherally. When he tilts his head back, notice how I do this.”

We waited, my heart thumping, her face calm. She smiled and licked her lips, probably to get herself in the right psych.

The guy tilted his head back for a drink. Adara seized the key moment when the man’s neck muscles tensed for a swallow. In a heartbeat, she fell from the stool to the table. Her entire body deftly arched backwards to reach far into his personal space. The same heartbeat saw her flick her wrist into his breast pocket then back out, barely disturbing the fabric and not catching his attention at all. I saw the faintest glimmer of a metal-fastened wallet disappear into Adara’s sleeve. The next heartbeat, she was retracted into a defensive fetal position, sprawled on the table, arms wide and face harsh as if it’d been an accident. She yelled in fake pain and rolled off the table.

I pretended I’d accidentally knocked my girlfriend down. Flushing at my cheek and fumbling with my hands, I helped her up and tried not to stare directly at where she’d stashed the guy’s wallet.

A shaky moment passed as the guy finished swallowing and looked up from his drink. Several people around us gasped. No one had seen Adara’s sleight of hand. She brushed herself off.

I did my line, “Whoa! I didn’t mean to knock you down!”

“Ooh! Uh, I think I broke something.” She staggered and looked up at me painfully, “Could you help me back to my car, Dean? I’m a little woozy.”

Dean? That’s hilarious! Just go with it, man. I thought up a pithy name for her.

“Alright, just lean on my shoulder, Bess. That’s it, I gotcha.”

Barely managing a straight face, I helped Adara to the outside of the pavilion. From supporting much of her weight, I realized she was very light and wiry. Adara stopped leaning.

“Just lean on Dean, huh?”

She chuckled, “It was the only name I could- but hey! Bess? Really?”

“Really.” I laughed too.

“Do I honestly look like a Bess to you?”

I shook my head and looked down, “No, Adara. But you know what, I haven’t met anyone with the name Adara.” It rolled naturally off my tongue, “Is it-“

“- Ethnical? Cultural? Racial? Yes.”

“Huh.” I said with vague interest. Adara could’ve left it at that yet did not.

She remarked, “Adara means virgin, in Arabic.”

“Arabic for virgin.” This amused me, and amusement usually means not thinking. So, my mouth followed my gut and not my mind.

“Are you a virgin?” I asked, but then immediately regretted asking. #FF0080 ">hahaha xD

That was the number one dumbest question of the year. My cheeks went red. Hers did as well. Was I really so giddy around her that a question like that could just pop right out?

I’d met her not long ago; her stealing from me upset my attitude. We talked and I told her about my family life. She claimed that my pavilion parties caused crime, so I agreed to see what was going on behind the scenes around here. I found her impressive. #FF00FF ">All of this first part of the paragraph seems really unnecessary. We already know it, so there’s no need for you to reiterate yourself. Now, after only a couple incidents with this girl Adara, I’ve asked if she’s a virgin- I wouldn’t blame her if she called it too invasive or overreaching.

She stared down, “You’re bold, yet not crude. That’s genuineness if I’ve ever seen it... Yes.”

“One question.” I said humbly.

“Anything, Jonah.”

“Why?” I asked, “I mean- Why be pure when you can be-“

“- Be what? I’m not sure what else to be as a sixteen year old girl.”

“Yet still- why?” #FF00BF ">if he was so embarrassed about asking her the question, I doubt he’d follow up with this. Plus, it is a little weird. You don’t ask someone WHY they’re a virgin x) I mean, how could you answer that?

This was a killer discussion. I was so thrilled to be forthright for once.

“It’s a moral choice which I think is right. All my life, I’ve sized up everything that has ever interested me. When I see something good, I always choose to have it at its best. And I feel like the longer I wait, then- I don’t know, honestly- it just seems mediocre to sell myself out too soon. Mediocrity is my enemy!”

I laughed tentatively, “Yeah, I don’t like mediocrity that much either.”

Quiet reigned, then Adara susurrated #FF4040 ">I don‘t know what this word means x) , “Jonah, you’re authentic, and that’s the greatest complement #FF4040 ">compliment (complement is a completely different word than compliment) I have ever given anyone.”

I was flattered (and also a little thankful for her virginity #FF00FF ">erm… ). What guy wouldn’t be? The night air felt gentler now that she’d called me authentic.

However, I still felt like a fraud next to this righteous pickpocket. I marveled at her and wondered just how much she’d stolen from thieves.

“So,” I began after some therapeutic silence, “about that guy’s wallet. Does it have my credit card?”

She took my hand and laid the glistening, metal-fastened wallet in my palm, “Check for yourself.”

I undid its coupling. The leather felt warm, probably from being in the guy’s pocket, or Adara’s.

Opening it revealed two wonders: my own credit card, and many other credit cards. I shoved mine into my designer pant’s pocket, and held up another for inspection. It belonged to someone I didn’t know. Card after card, name after name, all stolen from kids coming to my Saturday night hangout.

“What are you gonna do?” I asked.

“Burn them, to do all those kids a favor.”

I was surprised at the simplicity of that one-step procedure, “So they can just go home and tell their parents they lost their cards?”

Adara made a face, “Yeah. That guy’s pretty incredible when it comes to sleight of hand. He could take someone’s shirt without their noticing. I can’t help but be amazed at how he snags credit cards straight out of people’s wallets in passing.”

“You’re not too bad yourself.” I pursued.

“Eh.” Said Adara, “I know what I’m doing, but it’s not my thing. If you stick around me, you’ll meet better pickpockets. I’m a much better fighter. You’re looking at the proud owner of five black belts.”

This shocked and impressed me. In her humility, she had forgotten to mention that fact when we talked about martial arts.

“You have five black belts? I only have one.”

“Yeah,” she smirked, “good job with that kick, though. My gut still aches.”

“Oh really?” I lifted an eyebrow sympathetically, “Sorry. It was all I could do to stay alive and get my watch back. That was some bicycle kick you had going, though.”

Adara flashed her teeth, “Thanks! I’m glad you got out of the way.”

“Yeah, let’s not do that again!”

“What, fight?” She furrowed her eyebrows.

“Yeah, fighting’s bad.”

She grinned, “Fighting is what gets you what you want in life.”

I imagined her beating up entire mobs of men ten times her size, throwing them left and right, bicycle kicking the heck out of them.

Then I wondered what kinds of men she’d beat up- obviously not the credit card thieves, because theirs was a battle of tricks and sleight of hand. Instead, I imagined that she battled the deadlier types, such as drug-sellers.

We walked around the pavilion’s perimeter in silence. I glanced in her direction. She was looking away, probably to plan her next mission. I wondered if I could ask her out. Like maybe, “you want to hang out some time?” Or, “we should see each other again.” Nothing seemed to cut it.

“What school do you go to?” I asked.

“Red Jay High.” She mumbled.

“Hey, I go there!”

“Really?” Adara said, “So we’re classmates?”

“Well, that depends on what grade you’re in.”

This was my way of finding out how old she was. Please be eleventh- please!

She bit her lip, “Eleventh. I’m in eleventh.”

Yes! Finally!

“I am too!” I paused, “And yet, I’ve never seen you around. I could’ve sworn I’d met everyone in my grade. Who knows, though? Red Jay is a big school.”

“Yeah, I’m sure it is.”

“You’re ‘sure it is?’ Don’t you go there?”

“Actually, no. I’m waiting to be transferred.” She tilted her head to the side, “My first day is next Monday, but not the one two days from now- the one nine days from now. So, I won’t be seeing you at Red Jay till then.”

“Oh. Well, you’re going to like it. It’s a cool school.”

“Uh-huh.” Adara said.

She seemed disinterested. Adventure was more her outlet than academics. Although I excelled, I wasn’t much for education either. School didn’t bring me happiness.

We came through the front entrance of the pavilion. My friends were near this part of the bar. I could tell, this was another mission against another miscreant.

Alongside her, I whispered, “What now? Or should I say, who now?”

She grinned, “Yes- who now.”

Brusquely, she took a seat at the bar, and patted invitingly on the stool to her left. I sat. So far, it was much the same as the wallet guy incident.

“This next one’s name, I actually know.” She said, “It’s Clyde Vinson.”

Clyde Vinson. I’ve heard that name. He’s been a bully at Red Jay for the past year.

“Hey Adara, Clyde’s the school tough-guy at Red Jay.” I said. “I’ve heard of him.” Maybe Adara will beat him up. I thought childishly.

“Oh, I’m sure he’s the school tough-guy. For a while, in fact, he’s been a problem. As of late, he has stolen several thousand dollars worth of jewelry.”

“Several thousand dollars?” It really didn’t sound like much to my rich ears.

“Yeah. The stash is in his car.”

“So,” I ventured, “why aren’t we at his car?”

“Because it’s rigged up with a pretty good alarm that includes an interior motion sensor. If I picked the lock, that wouldn’t go so well. And I can’t risk setting anything off.”

“I see. That means we need Clyde’s keys?”

“Yes. Without them, we can’t get into his car, which means he gets away with the stolen jewelry.”

“Hmm. I had no idea Clyde was such a problem.”

Adara shook her head, “There are more problem around here than you may think.”

“Which I’m beginning to realize.”

Because she was the one showing me the underlying faults of this place, she nodded vigorously. While she was a fragile person, her emotions were fiery.

Ordering a drink, she stayed inconspicuous. I slumped in my seat and watched the teeming throng of people. Ghostly, unknown, we waited and watched. Clyde, Adara let on, was passing soon.

Several minutes flew by, and I had time to reflect on the depravity she’d shown me. While crime is obviously a problem no matter where one goes, I never knew responsible citizens could rout it out the way Adara and I were doing.

She glanced over from her bar stool, having barely touched her drink. Wispy black hair fell over one eye while the other demanded my attention. I could tell this was a key moment- a key question.

“Jonah, would you be interested in-” She went silent for a few moments.

“In?” I inquired.

“- In, perhaps, doing this kind of stuff more often?”

“Doing what exactly?”

“What we’re doing now, fighting crime… in the night, that is.”

I gazed at her, unsure of a commitment to fighting crime. Her methods were, strictly speaking, illegal.

“It’s not what you might think, you know.” Adara explained, “At times, it can be dangerous, but it’s rewarding.”

I flirted, “That’s how things tend to be- dangerous, rewarding. I’ll have you know that I seek those kinds of thrills, though.”

She simpered, “So do I, but this isn’t a roller coaster. You’d be dealing with real people. Most of the time, they’re dirty people.” She blew some hair out of her eye, “Also, the drug gangs have been a large problem lately, and I think it’s because so many wealthy locals are investing in them.” She sighed, “But I get to see the crux of humanity, the bare minimum, the worst’s worst. It’s enthralling, and I want you to be a part of it, with me.”

I grated my teeth. Being her sidekick was a reality, but seeing it head-on wasn’t as glamorous as wishing for it. Did she really think I had the guts to steal from thieves or sabotage drug dealers?

Adara turned her stool, “Here comes Clyde.”

“Alright,” I exhaled wearily, “do your thing.”

I planned to watch Adara pickpocket Clyde, then tell her afterwards that I couldn’t ever be that good. It’d be my main excuse for not joining her. For a time, she would try convincing me to fight crime, and I would refuse. The rest would be history: she’d understand my refusal, I’d ask her out, she’d accept. Ultimately, my life would continue with ease, devoid of trouble. But, nothing’s ever that easy.

“Jonah.” She whispered without eyeing me, “I want you to do it.”

“Me?” My heart skipped a beat.

“You. Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“Uh, Clyde could beat the living sh-“

“- If it doesn’t work, then you could always just run. He’s a lumbering giant! Besides, it’s a simple snag- the keys are in the front of his hoodie. See that tiny bulge? They’re right on the edge of the pocket, where you can pluck them out.”

With his stern complexion, Clyde plodded through the crowd, keys and all. It would be easy to get the keys, but hard to do it secretly.

Dizzy anxiety settled in, “Do you seriously want me dead, Adara? Believe it or not I was beginning to like you.”

She flushed, though it was hard to tell on her Arab skin, “Just do it, Jonah, for me. Show me what you got!”
Clyde was several yards away, in a crowd, shouldering past kids my age. While he was nineteen, I was only sixteen. Apparently, Clyde was held back twice. Of course, he weighed at least three hundred pounds and consisted mostly of beef and apelike rage, but that didn’t seem to matter to Adara.

Ready to snag those keys, I strode through the crowd. Adara watched me out of the corner of her eye, sizing up my every move. If only I could slow everything down so there’d be a chance to think about it! How had it come so naturally to Adara for her to simply fall backwards and take some dude’s wallet?

I realized someone must have trained her, but who would train teenagers how to pickpocket? Or maybe Adara trained herself. Adara was definitely the self-sufficient type.

Speaking of self-sufficiency, she seemed alone in her adventures. And yet she was so well informed. Where did Adara learn about the cocaine, for instance? For that matter, how was she better primed than even the police as to the drug’s whereabouts? This confusion sputtered through my mind as I made my way toward Clyde. Obviously, there was more to her than met my eye. I would find out over time.

With Clyde only a few feet away, I made it a point to bump into him. There was simply no other way to get those keys. How does one bump without too much force, though?

To control the force of the bump, I slowed down as I neared him. He turned, though, which threw off my sense of direction. Next thing I knew, his wooly hoodie had enveloped me.

It all happened so fast. I ran into Clyde, but instead of an expert sideways nudge like Adara might have done, it was a full collision. My hand slipped discernibly into his pocket and snatched up the keys. Nothing was smooth. I couldn’t see Adara at this point, but she must have grimaced. Hopefully, she was coming to my aid.

Clyde heard the noise of crinkling keys and glanced down, “Did I drop my- what the-“

Already, I was bolting through mobs of kids. Whoever got in my way was irrelevant. Guys and girls, big and small- all were shoved as I panicked to get away.

Close behind me was a very angry Clyde who also shoved people aside, and reached with long, powerful arms. My black belt in Karate was useless now. I could only imagine the amount of pain I was about to go through. Where’s Miss “Five Black Belts” when I need her?

Frightened, I found that every step I took brought me farther from Adara. The keys clinked audibly in my right hand. There was no time to worry about appearances now.

My arms flailed. My jaw hung loose. My eyes were ablaze.

I stumbled out of the pavilion through a side entrance. Immediately, I turned to watch the opening. No Clyde. Is he gone?

I stepped closer to the opening, to get a better view. The sound of screaming girls and shocked yells came from inside the crowd. My nerves flared and I knew to run; but, out of fear, I couldn’t move.

Adrenaline coursed through my veins as I watched the crowd fall apart. Clyde came crashing through the opening, in a rage. I was once again trying to escape his wrath, but now that we were both out in the field, it was an all-out sprint session.

I tried to stay light on my feet and breathe in short bursts, but at times I held my breath as he noiselessly chased me. The only sound during these moments was the beating of feet and the clanging of hearts. He was so close.

I banked to my right, and he skidded slightly. This gained me a few extra, vital feet. Also, he was beginning to tire. I can do this all day, bud.

I could barely think. Everything was physical now. Several minutes passed as we made a complete circuit of the pavilion. No one was out here to see the chase except the wandering drunks.

We came to the portion of the field that served as a parking lot, and I wove in and out among the cars, trying to lose him. This gained me a few more feet. Then, he tripped. I put on an enormous burst of speed and he was suddenly gone from my vision.

I ran and ran and ran, leaving him far behind. The feeling was amazing, and I knew what it was: Thrill. Adara had shown me a truly satisfactory kind of night to be had.

A pickup truck and Mazda passed on my left, which triggered an idea. I backtracked and dove between them, remembering the Mazda was Adara’s. Keenly, my ears listened for Clyde’s heavy footsteps, just in case. A few minutes ticked on my watch. I knew he must have disappeared back into the pavilion, to tell others what had happened.

Adara’s Mazda was still unlocked from when we’d hid the cocaine under the seat, so I opened her door and threw Clyde’s keys down next to the brown duffel bag. She’ll find them there. I closed the door to her car and rested my hands on the hood.

What to do? Wait? No. I knew Adara was likely to be in the pavilion. I wasn’t sure about staying at her car like a puppy in need of rescue. So, I trudged back to the pavilion.

On my way, I passed a drunken dude with a filthy baseball cap on. I sized it up. #FF4040 ">Since later you mention him ‘rolling over’ I assume he was on the ground. Maybe you should mention that here.

“Hey man. How’s it going?”

He turned to me and snorted. I yanked his baseball cap off and asked if it was all right if I bought it from him. He looked silly and confused. With a flourish, I presented him a $100 dollar bill, the only piece of cash I had on me. Immediately, he took it.

“Thanks.”

He rolled over. Filthy baseball cap on, I snuck back into the pavilion, hoping the hat provided enough disguise.

A hand rested on my shoulder, and I grabbed it impulsively. Andrew. He was the last person on my mind.

“Yo! What the hell, man!”

His voice was loud and distorted from beer. Also, it was pretty smelly.

“I’ve been searching desperately for you all night. Where have you been?”

I backed away, “Around.”

I remembered the chase with Clyde. Yeah, I was around, literally.

“Come back to planet earth already, boy!”

I smiled, “Hey listen, I need to go, alright? Just, I don’t know- I-“

“Nah, come on, let’s get you back where you belong!”

Before I knew it, I was back at the traditional table, with Edmund, Sid, Andrew, and Samantha. Everyone was boozed to some level- I was beginning to see the dimness of my friends’ existence.

Adara had illumined the night, and shown me what it meant to have purpose and skill- to be a just thief. These peers were just kids.

Everything in their discussions boiled down to meaninglessness. Nostalgically, I recalled the virgin conversation with Adara, and how she’d called me “authentic.” I should have told her she was authentic, too. She had struck a chord in me… It was then that I realized I liked her- no, loved her.

Call me naive or immature or too impressionable, but I loved Adara greatly. I suddenly desired to be with her more than anything else. She’d listened to me when I nearly wept. I’d told her my life; I’d bared my soul; I’d seen her bravery.

Even if she were ugly, I’d be with her. And yet, she was beautiful.

For the second time that night, I left the table of fakers. Last time, it was to brood. This time, it was to seek. I would find her if it killed me. This was my happy ending, the moment I’d get the girl.

Shouldering past people, I made my way back to the site of my failed pickpocketing attempt. It all came rushing back to me: Adara’s dare, the wooly hoody, those long arms reaching for me. Wait, where’s Adara? And suddenly, I relived the terror in a very physical way.

I had no time to think, no time to breathe, and no time to plead. Like a ton of metal, Clyde’s giant palms slammed into my chest in a lateral push. I sprawled on the ruddy wood of the bar, world spinning. His fist came down on my head, and the entire right side of my vision turned to black. This was the horror of the night. I’d seen the “rewards” Adara had mentioned- that thrill- so now came the “dangers.”

I was then on the ground, groping for something, anything. Clyde kicked toward my chest, but I blocked with my hands and rolled away. A dull thump resounded in my back- something else wooden. I peered up to see a table. Past the table, I saw Clyde handling a knife. Girls screamed and no one offered their help. This kid was going to kill me. I couldn’t move.

A cloud passed over me. I could only discern two figures in my vision. Someone was fighting him, but whom? Before I could think it over, I saw stars.

************************************************************************************************************************************************

Time passed in the black. Then, I saw leather. My eyes fluttered and blinked for several moments. Everything seemed so soft and cushiony. I gripped the leather under me, and tried to examine my surroundings.

It took me a few seconds to recognize the interior of Andrew’s sports car. That familiar, bulbous whir vibrated the tinted windows.

“Just rest your head here.” It was a girl’s voice, but not Adara’s.

“Am I- uh-” My voice blurred.

“Yo! How you doing?” a boy blubbered from the driver’s seat.

That was definitely Andrew. But isn’t he a little drunk? No matter.

Samantha was sitting next to me. She looked very worried.

“Sammy.” I garbled, “What happened?”

“Clyde, the school jerk, is what happened.” She chided, “What do you think you’re doing messing with a hothead like that?”

My world spun. My head ached. My thoughts lingered on Adara.

“I don’t know.” I mumbled; my right eye was sore, “Do I have a black eye?”

“Yeah. Let’s just hope your parents don’t see your face. You’ve got a major bruise there. You were also bleeding on your back, but I took care of that.”

The pain in my back was kind of low. Hmmm, she wiped blood off my lower back… great.

Samantha brushed her dark blonde hair away, “You really had me worried there, Jonah! I mean- you’re one of my best friends!”

I smiled, “How did-“

“- Edmund.”

“Oh.” I grinned.

“Yeah, you’re lucky to have a big dude like Edmund on your side.”

I imagined Edmund, with his large glasses and monstrous arms, trying to ward off the lumbering Clyde while Sid and Andrew carry me to Andrew’s car. Where was Adara in all this? Had she abandoned me?

I thought my friends were shallow. And yet, they were the ones who came to my rescue. Or maybe Adara had already left.

A soft crumple in my back pocket answered that question. I pulled the paper from my pants. It was a note with girly handwriting. Adara must have slipped this into my pants before I tried to pickpocket Clyde. Hastily, I unfolded it. It read simply:

I’ll see you in nine days, Jonah

I remembered what she’d said earlier. It was something about being transferred to Red Jay High next Monday. So, I would see this girl again.

In nine days… in the night… Or the day... At school… Yeah… My back hurts… I see stars...

I read your review. So much good input! I agree with both you and Grandison that Jonah's love for Adara came way too fast. Also, I do realize the info-dump as being detrimental. All of it is vital information that will be reflected throughout the novel, so I'll nix it from Chapter One.
Thanks for the ideas and honesty so far; it's truly helped. I hope to see you both on Chapter Two!

Yay Chapter One! This was pretty long, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I'm not going to go through and pick apart every little thing; I found some things that need a little re-wording. For example:

A second passed of my determining what to do.

We walked for a time, side by side. It was the fastest sincere acquaintance I’d ever made in my life, and by far the most exciting one. One minute I was napping and the next I was side-by-side with an interesting person I’d never seen before in my life. Steadily, we avoided silence.

For a while, Adara told me about herself- not anything about family or friends, but rather about her preferences. She told me she was daring and adventurous. Those were two traits we shared.

She liked most of the things I liked. Yet, despite her audacious personality and pride, I couldn’t help but notice Adara was selfless. Regretfully, I realized my stature in life had made me full of myself.

After listening to Adara, I told her we were a lot alike, except I admitted to being selfish, unlike her. I explained my fascination with motorcycles and martial arts, which seemed to interest her. Adara told me she was avid in both, so we talked technical in both topics while we walked, and laughed at our apparent similarities.

Then I took it deeper, to family life. Although we’d conversed openly about motorcycles and martial arts, family talk seemed to bother Adara. Her eyes went cold and her cheeks paled. I decided to tell her more anyway, because no one else could hear me the way she could.

With a hint of desperation, I bared my confused life. I spoke of a father who was never home- who’d declined into obsessive working. I told her that my mother suffered from depression, because of a tragedy in the past.

When I was only eight, I explained, my younger brother Simeon disappeared. It had always been my theory that his
disappearance is what caused my parents’ pain.

Simeon’s disappearance put a spark in Adara’s eyes. She looked at me pitifully. I suppressed tears as I told her about my little brother disappearing so long ago. It was better to have this kind of talk with a stranger, when I had nothing to lose.

She suppressed tears as well, and seemed to understand that kind of loss. I wanted so badly to ask her about her own family, but I decided against it.

So I changed the topic and asked about relationships. I noticed she was attractive in her own way. Long, black hair. Well-formed. I wasn’t much for her defiant attitude and constant smirks, but I knew it could be a virtue.

I read your review, and you gave me a lot to think about. All of your suggestions are great, so I'll take them. Instead of Jonah falling for her now, I'll make it slower.
I do want Jonah to express an early attraction to Adara, however, because she is the main conflict of the story- you're right, though, love came too soon. Everything will definitely revolve around her. And part of Adara's mystery will come from her constantly changing, which will frustrate Jonah and prolong the novel.
I'll make your changes and try to split this into more chapters. Thanks again for the review!

P.S.- Looking forward to Deceitful Intent- Chapter Two!

Let me just reiterate that you’ve got an amazing vocabulary. Your stats says you’re fifteen, and if that’s true, your use of words is far greater than mine. There were a couple of times where this prose had me reaching for the dictionary. I think the literary agents will like this, but do be aware about placing big words just to place them.

I like Adara’s introduction. I just love how neither she nor our MC didn’t think twice about the fact that he hit her. Lol. I honestly find her character to be described well and written well. I like how she’s not to bold or too showy. She’s got weaknesses to match her assets. She’s against thieves yet she steals. I like that there’s an enigma about her as well. There’s something going on with her personal life, there has to be a reason she didn’t speak on it. And the sudden disappearance at the end, that says there’s something about this kid. You’re saying she’s Arabic? I’m not sure citing that she has “dark-brown” skin helps with the description. When I think of dark-brown, I think of a black person. Perhaps copper? Or sandy?

As for our MC, I’m not sure how I feel about him in this section. I feel as though he fell for her too fast. This first chapter is okay in my opinion as far as length, but I don’t think it’s normal for a person to just connect that fast with someone. Or maybe it is, I just don’t like that he mentioned loving her, I mean, they just met. I think if he’s going to feel strongly about her this should take place over a couple of days, this is too much for a first encounter. If anything, he should be left with questions. But still, this is only the beginning, too soon for feelings.

And you mentioned Adara being sixteen in the story, and then you had the MC ponder about her age, we already know her age because she said something about being a sixteen year old girl when she was talking about her virginity.

I also think it was a little too soon for Adara to ask Jonah to join her in this ‘thieves of the night’ type of thing she’s into, again, I think this needs to take place over a couple of days to be believable.

All in all, I really like it. It sounds so “authentic” when I’m reading it. You’re really amazing to be fifteen and sounding this good.

Grandison

Holy crud, that's long! Really, you don't have to read it if you don't want to. I'll eventually find a way to split this up.