Young Writers Society

There are several things in here that I can relate to as there things that I've many a times thought and felt for, like the alienation felt from peers just for being different, not that they've been unkind much, but it's still there. And the wish to travel the world and experience, for assorted reasons. The longing for someone, the slight disappointment in the misconstrued attitudes and views that seem to exist in a lot of things and the wish for truth and peace. My favorite line was "Like snow melting in the warm sun," the cold feeling and sense of self being cleansed by something much brighter, something warm and happy, kind, something I can agree with as I have felt to. A good work, not handicapped by not using rhyming.

Hey, there. Hope you're having a good day!
Anyhoo, I like what you're poem's wishes are--so nice of things, what every human wants, in a way. I do think you should've have added more 'emotion' and such, cuz you're just stating things here. It needs emotion to recieve sympathy.
Great job, I do rather like this, however.
Tata!
-Mizzle

Hello!

So my first impression of this is that it reads more like a speech than a poem. It's like an agenda. The first stanza seems like it could be poetic, but the rest trails off into a sort of list.

Really look at this and see what you're trying to say with it. You wish you could change the world; you wish you could do things that would affect you, or you want to travel, or have love. It goes from one to the other without smooth transition, so I'd recommend finding exactly what you want to portray with this, and with that in mind, start writing. A reader loses interest if the focus shifts too much.

Personally, I think if you took one of these ideas and tried to do the same thing using only one idea, it would come out much better.

Hey there!

So, I think that here you're just talking about what you want to do. You make no mention of why, of how, of anything else. This makes the poem seem, for want of a better phrase, washed out. There's not much substance. It's just whimsical wishing that doesn't really get you, or your poem, anywhere. Why not make it stronger by adding in some background, using poetic devices, and expanding on what you already have.

~Amy

I agree about everyone above; it seems like a laundry list of things that you wish you get done, and it feels scattered. I would say pick one or two of the most important things in that poem and write a poem about one of them.
Best luck and keep writing,
Empress

I very much like the meaning of the poem and feel the same way. However, I don't think it flows that well. You definitely have pottential here and I can imagine this being a poem that i really like. Like what Juniper said, you neeed to "portize it". I especially liked how it started though with all the things you wish for yourself. I think it might be better if you picked to either write about things you want for the world or yourself. But it's your choice and I think it's pretty good either way.

Hey Forest,

About a year and a half ago, someone told me that in writing poetry you have to distinguish your narrative story voice from your poetic voice. If you're not sure how to do that, remove line breaks and stanza breaks and see if it reads like a story or a poem.

This reads more like a personal statement. I think that in order to turn this into a poem, you need to introduce more poetic techniques to this. Liven your words up. Use words that you otherwise wouldn't use in standard writing, and use them in more ways than one. Verbalize this better, try poetic techniques such as assonance, canto, etc. Take time to go over this and 'poetize it'; for now, it's as if we're just reading how you feel.

Trim down narrative parts, too, such as 'I wish', 'I want' etc. They do nothing for us, and you can carry a poem without them. Try to focus on presenting your words to us in a more interesting manner.

Best of luck,

June

Hello there Forest. Here is your review, as promised.

To start off, well, It has potential, but the ending sort of falls flat on its feet. You say that you wish you could do all of those things, and that's good. However, in the context of the poem, it's obvious that you can't do all of those things, so why not talk about that a little bit more?

Also, I think you were a little unsure as to whether or not you wanted to do things for yourself, or the good of the world. You start off by saying, "I wish I was invisible so no one could yell at me," and then you end the poem with, "I wish we humans would realize our mistakes and we can have peace." You're going to have to chose one, and I'd recommend the latter, because you don't want to make it sound like a depressed emo poem. Remember, consistency is a writer's best friend.

That's all. It was well versed, and there were no grammar errors that I found.
PM with questions.