Young Writers Society

Thanks. I'll remove the y'see and ol', they are a bit weak.

I TOTALLY understand the difficulties of having a hanus (hanus?) ex. That said...

Your
everlasting desire to make me feel
terrible
is killing me
not slowly

I wish I could write like you.

I really love this poem. The way its written the words you use and just genarally how you put it.

Your
everlasting desire to make me feel
terrible
is killing me
not slowly

I TOTALLY understand the difficulties of having a hanus (hanus?) ex. That said...

Nitpicks:

Like a robe of darkness
you're hidden from me....(GAH! Cliche simile. Not the strongest way to begin a poem)
even if I extract that magical feeling
you used to give me
float miles above the ground
meet some stars
maybe a planet or two
up in good ol' space...(ol' is a bit icky.)
have a party with the eternally large
populace of the asteroid field
i wouldn't be able to stay hidden from you.
Your
everlasting desire to make me feel
terrible
is killing me
not slowly......(I connect completely with this. is it suddenly their purpose in life to make us feel wretched? Apparently)
I feel like i'm already dead, y'see....(y'see is also a bit icky)
I wish you would hold me tight
when the demons of the night
extract crystal tears from my burning eyes
reddened
by the fury of your hatred
and the hole
created by my stupid love for you.
ignorance is definitely not a virtue,
not in your case
or my benefit.
The thousand text messages
of pleading
of begging
the obligatory e-mail
the attempted love letter
complete with swirling handwriting
and pressed dead rose
and stains of my weeping.
I bet you didn't even glance at it,
ripped it up
threw the remains of my confidence
onto the fire
and watched your last memories of me burn away
without regret or passing guilt.
You probably laughed.

Excellent work. I really enjoy the innocent bitterness (if that makes sense) behind this.
Gawsh I wish I weren't so tired. This would be much easier. Oh well. Keep writing!! Keep writing!!

Thanks. The subject of the poem is probably it's biggest problem, I lost it a bit. It was based off an ex-girlfriend of mine.

Like a robe of darkness
you're hidden from me