Young Writers Society

Hello, Firestarter, are you still on? I'm sure you're not, but here I go.

This was amazing! Better than I could do. I think you're a natural, so keep writing, never give up, and keep being wise!

-wisegirl22

Here's something I'm working on recently, it's not the first chapter on anything, in fact I reckon it's going to be one of the last chapters of a novel I'm working on. But it's nowhere near finished.

Shas'er is the God of the Sun, and also the name of the west continent of my world.

Creva is a country along with Norfor, Tentropolis is a city in Norfor.

Spring, summer and winter are mentioned but I will be replacing these later when I think of a suitable time system.

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A tall man stood in the middle of the ridge, gazing on the darkness beneath him with a sense of overwhelming fear. A swift breeze had picked up around him, sending his long hair fluttering and swirling, and the dark red cape touching his feet swinging back and forth. As soon as the sun rose from its slumber and glimpsed over the towering Mountains of Shas'er, he knew that he and his men would face a beast unleashed, a force none had seen nor imagined before. And when they died, civilisation will fall and the continent will be left bloodied and forgotten.

So they must fight, and they must win. There was no alternative. His hand touched and caressed the familiar grip of his sword. He had been given the best armour the Council of Tentropolis could find, a strong breastplate blazon with the everlasting sun of Shas'er and decorated with the Stars of Norfor. Around his neck hung the Chain of Creva, its warm touch was comforting to Ravin on such a cold morning. He hoped he was ready.

A soft hand touched his shoulder, and he half-turned expecting one of his many military aides. But instead there stood the slim figure of Celareena.

"You need some sleep. It's going to be a long day ahead and we'll need your strength before the end," she said.

To Ravin, her last words said more than any military commander could tell him. It was as if the battle was already lost, the ghost of defeat already lingering over the camp waiting for the moment when all hope faded. He sighed deeply, "Why are we here, Celareena?"

She frowned and said, "To stop the barbarians of course," as if the question was needless.

"No, I mean, why are we here? Why am I here, now? I'm just a smuggler, not a General of men."

She looked at him sternly, "No more talk like that, General," she said, saying the last word with just a hint of amusement, "To bed. Now," and pushed him on his way.

Something about her tone and cold stare told him she wouldn't be sharing it with him.

As he slipped away, reaching under the flap of the canvas and disappearing, Celareena realised it was probably the last time they could share their passion. Never again would she be able to taste the force of his lips on hers, the harsh touch of his beard on her face or the tense feeling of his chest on hers. And as she looked down on the same frightening darkness, she realised she'd never again look on a sunset, never again see the blossoming of spring and the floating snow of winter. Here, at the end of her life, she stood, her brown locks whipping in the wind, her fiery eyes aflame. Here she would die.

There could be no worse place for it to happen. The rugged wildlife and wild grass of the hills didn't appeal to a born and bred city girl. There was no beauty of bright flowers and tall trees, nought but far off mountains and the odd leafless skeleton of a plant hit by autumn's hand. In this ugly land, they would make a fight of it, but it wouldn’t be pretty.

She was no expert of military tactics, but her quick brain could easily see the advantages of their position. The steep ridge would slow the laborious advance of their foe, and the well-trained archers of Norfor would wreak havoc in their lines. The ridge had other benefits, the long grass and it’s height meant most of their forces would be hidden, hiding their real strength and the positions of their best troops and cavalry. Their left flank were mostly protected by the River Tent in it's descent from the mountains, preventing a crippling wide attack by their light cavalry, so deadly to unprotected flanks. The only worry was the right, but Ravin had positioned the pikemen there, supported by a contingent of heavy archers.

Yes, she thought, you might have the numbers, you might have the audacity, but we have something else. The Sun Prophet stand with us, and by the Holy One Himself, we will give you one hell of a fight.

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Comments welcome.

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AOA was not joking, and she apologizes for being so slow about it, but she's been busy.

I think every writer who truly loves their art tries to become published. If nothing else, it's a good learning experience.

Fire, I don't think that AOA was joking. I agree with her. The biggest problem would be finding the right one. A lot of good books had been turned down a number of times. Whoever eventually published Dr. Sues made a fortune.

Fire, have you tried sending this to any publishers? Fantasy is very marketable right now.

I really enjoyed reading that. It was like I could picture myself in the same place. You wrote the story well, as if it actually happened to you. I really really liked it.

I really enjoyed reading that. It was like I could picture myself in the same place. You wrote the story well, as if it actually happened to you. I really really liked it.

er, that should be "AmericaN" however, i think i've proved over and over again that proof reading isn't exactly my forte.

Fire, have you tried sending this to any publishers? Fantasy is very marketable right now.

I think its smart to get everything done first, then go back and edit things.
(Not intending to get off-topic, Go Avalon! We practically do speak America. When my relatives from Norway came over, Maria was spelling something and she kept saying 'Double-Vee'. Double-Vee? EH? Oh. W. I feel silly.)
AHEM.
Back to what was previously written, I sure wish I had some former knowledge, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. If only I had a lesser sense of curiousity. I want to know when you write more.

lol, yes i found the first chapter, fire. (me unobservant? noooo never.)

Yes, Kay, in America we say "zee" and not "zed". Differences like those are why it drives me nuts to hear our politicians saying that America's national language should be English. We don't speak English, we speak America, which is similar but very much it's own language.

Well, that is a litte off-topic though...

You could always start a new topic in the Lounge about english language differences in America and England. That would be interesting.

Don't want this thread being taken over by it, please!

sorry but i gotta ask & it looks like
this thread is the place 2 do it...

is it true that in america, the letter 'Z'
is pronounced 'zee' & not 'zed'?

If you've already introduced his character, then "THE tall man" would work better, because it indicates that this is a specific tall man, one we are farmiliar with, whereas "A" indicates ambiguity, and is non-specific.

I'd change it to leader of men, because "a General of men" doesn't make much sense to me... unless you're phrasing this LOTR style ("King of men").

One more little discrepancy that's bothering me... Celareena thinks about how she's sure she's going to die, and then about how adventagous their position is. It just doesn't transition well for me. Maybe you could state that something about them being lucky enough to at least get a good position, since so little else was going their way.

Two picky little things:

A tall man

I'm just a smuggler, not a General of men."

I didn't know that 'civilized' could be spelled 'civilised'. I guess it's like saying 'trainers' instead of 'sneakers'. No hostility against me, please. I just like to compare countries.
Cool chapter.

Ah, I see now!

I will! But I'm no expert, either.

You're welcome!

If the river is preventing an attack by their cavalry, how is it an advantage? I'm sure you meant to put 'on' or some related word instead of 'by.' If not, please explain your reasoning and such!

I enjoyed this part of your story! It seems very interesting. If this became a book, I'd certainly try and get it! I loved when you told us the position of certain units and some of their strategy! I love playing war strategy games(for older eras), and this part really...connected(?)/struck a cord(?)/somthing along those lines with me! Although, I had some trouble understanding this line:

Firestarter wrote:Their left flank were mostly protected by the River Tent in it's descent from the mountains, preventing a crippling wide attack by their light cavalry, so deadly to unprotected flanks.

Fair enough. Part of critiques is knowing that you don't have to do everything that everyone suggests.

When you work on deepening this work try to think of what sets your book apart from other epic fantasy

There was a definent sword and sorcery feel to the piece and Ravin comes across well as a reluctant hero. There is promise to this idea but to me it seems a bit skeletal. When you work on deepening this work try to think of what sets your book apart from other epic fantasy. I mean its not like you have to reinvent Middle Earth and have complete languages or anything like that. There's some good stuff here there really is, but I'd like to see it a little beefier, and that will come from writing more chapters. But good start here. Other than that fix the typos that people have pointed out already.

Thanks for those typos! Always helpful to have people notice them. I really should edit them in.

Thanks for the comments too mas_cool:

This is pretty good. I love how you show the relationship between Ravin and Celareena. They're both interesting characters. Also I really get the sense that this is the calm before the storm. I like this. Since this is near the end, I'm curious about how they got to this point.

A tall man stood in the middle of the ridge, gazing on the darkness beneath him with a sense of overwhelming fear. A swift breeze had picked up around him, sending his long hair fluttering and swirling, and the dark red cape touching his feet swinging back and forth. As soon as the sun rose from its slumber and glimpsed over the towering Mountains of Shas'er, he knew that him and his men would face a beast unleashed, a force none had seen nor imagined before. And when they died, civilisation will fall and the continent will be left bloodied and forgotten.

To Ravin, he last words said more than any military commander could tell him.

It was as if the battle was already lost, the ghost of defeat already lingering over the camp waiting for the moment when all hope faded. He sighed deeply, "Why are we here, Celareena?"

Something about hertone and cold stare told him she wouldn't be sharing it with him.

Thanks for the comments.

Hawk, ta for spotting the typo. Haven't really properly checked it yet.

As I mentioned, this is going to near the end of a story, I'm sorting out the end first, cos it gives me some direction. So readers should be familiar with Celareena by this time. Though it is a little confusing for someone reading this straight off, I know.

As soon as the sun rose from its slumber and glimpsed over the towering Mountains of Shas'er, he knew that him and his men would face a beast unleashed, a force none had seen nor imagined before.

A soft hand touched his shoulder, and he half-turned expecting one of his many military aides. But instead there stood the slim figure of Celareena.

Tep, Australian spelling too! You'll think twice before you offend our blessed spelling again!!!
jk
Anyway, I thought this was really, really good. It could work as either a first or a somewhere-near-the-end chapter. It's up to you. If I picked a book up and read that in it, it would deffinately rate good enough to buy.

civilisation-spelt civilization

great! I really enjoyed it, the only thing I would check over is spelling. I saw one or two small grammar errors like this:

civilisation-spelt civilization

And also, I think you could have that as the beginning chapter if you edited it a little. Its very exciting, and really grabs the reader's attention.