Young Writers Society

Thanks.

About the Over-13 tag, that was just in case, I wasn't really sure about it, better safe than sorry!

I've handed in this for final drafts for my coursework now. There are a few changes to it, but I don't think I have it handy to make corrections to this version.

I would have made it longer, but my teahcer told me to cut down word count because it was too wordy for a leaflet, and we have word count limits!

Anyhoo, thanks a lot for commenting on this.

I thought this was really good. You presented a lot of information in a very easy to understand, very simple manner. There's no verbose language, and there's no attempt to add poetry (very good thing). It's an informational article that makes an impact by describing the event as it happened. I especially liked the hour by hour thing you did; that was excellent. If you ever revise this, I'd suggest making that part a lot longer. Have it go through that entire morning, minute by minute in places. It'll build up suspense and captivate the reader without resorting to overused, cliche poetic devices.

A couple things, though. The first sentence is a bit awkward and you should consider revising it. I would seperate it into two sentences with first sentence ending after "back foot." The second issue is with the first sentence under the "Aftermath" section. Saying "had begun" doesn't really fit. It might be better to say something like "waged on."

Overall, really nice. If you don't mind, I'm going to get rid of that "Over 13" disclaimer in the title. There's nothing gory in here and I think it's definitely appropiate for people as young as seven.