Young Writers Society

Right! I'm back with time on my hands!

Now... firstly, the "my stomach is parched" thing is still getting to me. I have never heard anyone say it before, and on top of that I don't think it makes any sense at all. I mean, if something is parched it means it's dry ... and he says he's hungry. I suppose it might make sense if he was saying he was thirsty, but even then throat is still beter. So I'd be changing that if I were you.

Payt was voicing his frustration at this momentary break, claiming it was wasting valuable time, but Ravin waved him off. Nobody else complained, and Payt wandered off back to where the horses were, tethered to some trees closer to the path. He wasn’t particularly worried about anything happened, and was happy to get away from the group for some time. They all disliked him; he could see it in their eyes and the way they talked to him. Not that it mattered; he found the two brothers vain and dim-witted; Esben an arrogant fool; Daymin a foolish little boy who should never have come on such an important mission; and Ravin a peasant above his place. Noble blood! The man had broken the laws of the Republic and what he gets is a promotion above Payt, the inspiring young politician who had negotiated several treaties in the last few years, including the famous trade agreement with Tentak. Not that it mattered now. The barbarian invasion had almost destroyed their economy and Norfor had no use for it anymore. His father was probably ashamed of him.

To his left, the twins were busy fighting the two other similarly dressed men, who had drawn long knives. Esben was nowhere to be seen.

I thought consent was only if you were going to print it off ... *lost*
(don't mind me, answer me in pm form if you're going to answer, don't transform this to a debate over SPEW)

Fire, I'll be back to look through the new bit soon, my internet time limit just ran out.

Very nice editors! Very good! Sorry fire, just checking up on my team mates... Are you getting consent the way I said Sam and El? Needs to be done, and I know it's a pain...

Z

YAYYY!!!!

much better...

Sam, you were good to tell me to re-do that part. I re-did it with a fury today, and I think I've improved it. Tell me your thoughts.

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Ravin snorted, and glanced at the scabbard bouncing at Esben’s waist.

“You still using that old relic?” he asked, a grin forming at his lips.

Esben looked genuinely shocked, and cried incredulously, “Relic! Relic, he says! This ‘relic’ has been passed down by generation to generation, father to son, and has seen the end of many enemies.” He grasped the rusted handle and swiftly pulled it out and held it vertically in front of him. “This blade has been the nemesis of the foes of Norforda for centuries. Don’t forget it was my great-great-grandfather who used this sword to fell the famous Nurvu Warrior-Priest Bellatain.”

“Alright, we don’t need a grandiose speech. I’ve heard this story I think…maybe once…twice…or a million times,” he said, rolling his eyes to the sky, “We should probably stop for some food, my stomach’s feeling parched.”

“Best thing you’ve said all day!” Esben said happily and dismounted his horse, eagerly ripping open his luggage.

Ravin called to the rest of the party and they all sat down in a small, shaded area between the trees, to the side of the path and enthusiastically tore through their breakfast. Ravin felt strangely at ease, a sensation he had not experienced for a long time. The twinkling sun reflecting off the canvas of leaves; the scented wind floating idly through the blooming countryside; the relaxation of the silky grass comforting him made him feel drowsy. The food was gone quickly but they waited a little longer, enjoying the fresh morning and late summer sun for a few more minutes. His mind wandered off to other things, mainly the talk with his father the night before.

“There are many dangers, my son, even now. We have enemies everywhere. Aranion fears my power, and he fears you. He is glad I am on my deathbed. The city was within is grasp. But now, you have returned, and he has been thwarted. Aranion is not a peaceful man. Do not deny the possibility that he will send assassins, such brutality is not below a man like him. There are others…politicians...lawyers…rich merchants. They all want me dead. They want our family line destroyed. We’re nothing but descendants of scum to them, boy, and they’d kill us all before they saw the crown returned to Norfor. Watch yourself on your journey.”

“You be careful too, father,” was all Ravin could say. His father had smiled, and said, “Don’t worry about me, boy.” At the time it sounded as if his father had lost his mind a little, and paranoia had consumed him a little, but as he looked back on the moment, he was probably right. Payt disliked him; Aranion had already displayed strange behaviour I the Council Room. In fact, Ravin now started to believe the only men he could trust from Norforda, outside of his father, were Armen and Esben. At least one of them was by his side.

A whining voice in his ear shook him back to the present.

Payt was voicing his frustration at this momentary break, claiming it was wasting valuable time, but Ravin waved him off. Nobody else complained, and Payt wandered off back to where the horses were, tethered to some trees closer to the path. He wasn’t particularly worried about anything happened, and was happy to get away from the group for some time. They all disliked him; he could see it in their eyes and the way they talked to him. Not that it mattered; he found the two brothers vain and dim-witted; Esben an arrogant fool; Daymin a foolish little boy who should never have come on such an important mission; and Ravin a peasant above his place. Noble blood! The man had broken the laws of the Republic and what he gets is a promotion above Payt, the inspiring young politician who had negotiated several treaties in the last few years, including the famous trade agreement with Tentak. Not that it mattered now. The barbarian invasion had almost destroyed their economy and Norfor had no use for it anymore. His father was probably ashamed of him.

But all thoughts of resentment were thrown from his mind as he saw an arrow flash by his head and strike the tree trunk beside him. He watched it curiously as it vibrated for several seconds, and his eyes followed the direction from which it was fired, and saw three men frantically attempting to let loose their horses. One was welding a blade, the other two bows.

“The horses! Somebody’s taking the horses!” he shrieked, running away from the tree men he has just seen busy cutting down the ropes that held the animals, as an arrow struck the ground beside his foot.

Ravin was still half-asleep as he heard the call, and rolled to his side, rubbing his hand through his hair. Esben jumped straight to his feet and placed his hand over his eyes to cover them from the bright sunlight. The twins and Daymin sat up in curiosity and stared over to where Payt was running.

“Help! They’re stealing the horses!” Payt shouted again, half-turning backwards to risk a glance over his shoulder back at the robbers. But to his own misfortune, his foot caught on a tree root and he stumbled clumsily and fell flat on his face.

Esben was the first to comprehend, “I think the pompous windbag may just be right, “ and grabbed a crossbow from his bag, “We better be quick.”

Ravin nodded and unsheathed his twin swords quickly. Tyron and Byron picked up a heavy broadsword each, the massive weapons looking like toys amongst their toned arms. The four of them moved silently across through the trees towards where Payt had fallen. Ravin assessed the situation swiftly, noticing the two archers were separate from the other man, who he assumed was the leader. Rather than loosing the horses, the man was busy pillaging through their belongings, and was grinning as he pulled out a jingling bag of coins. “We’ll take them by surprise. Byron!” he whispered, “You and our brother will take the two archers. The leader is mine. Esben will take the flank.” Ravin attempted to move but was prevented by a sharp tug to his arm, and found young Daymin staring at him hopefully, with a knife in his other hand.

“What about me, sir?” he said enthusiastically.

“You stay with the bags. This is no fight for a boy,” Ravin replied, and ignoring the look of disappointment etched on Daymin’s face, started to move quickly in a crouched stance across the forest floor, ducking and dodging behind trees.

Payt was moaning for them to assist him, but one of them twins told him to be quiet, less they noticed them too. The archers were no longer interested; assuming at least one of their arrows must have struck him, and had begun to greedily assist the other man in rummaging through their packs, leaving nobody to check for their approach.

Ravin walked slowly, glancing at the floor every now and again to check he wouldn’t stand on anything that might produce a sound they may hear. He had been doing it pretty well until his left foot accidentally stamped on a pile of leaves and twigs. The crunching noise made Ravin wince and he threw himself behind the nearest tree trunk.

The twins were less lucky. They had begun to dart across an area without cover, but the three men had swung round at the sound and noticed the big men. The two archers had hurriedly notched arrows to their bows, and, without time to aim successfully had sent their shots hopelessly wide. The twins took their opportunity and charged.

Ravin, meanwhile, had locked eyes with the other man; a tall, lanky individual, dressed poorly in torn, dirty clothes and showing him a hideous grin. He was swivelling his longsword confidently in his palm, and his stance showed a flippant attitude that unnerved Ravin. To his left, the twins were busy fighting the two other similarly dressed men, who had drawn long knives. Esben was nowhere to be seen.

“What were you planning to do with the horses and our belongings?” Ravin asked, attempting to buy some time.

“All men have their talents. Mine is stealing. What’s yours?” But without waiting for an answer the man threw himself forward, slicing towards Ravin’s unprotected neck. But Ravin was equal to it; he parried the surprise assault with his left hand sword and spun round.

“So you have some skill in sword-fighting at least. But it will not save you now, m’lad,” the robber stated assuredly, and again, without waiting for a response, attacked with a fast pace that surprised Ravin and threw him automatically onto the defensive. He just about blocked a low attack before weakly deflecting a thrust attack at his chest, and all the time was being pushed back. The man was unnaturally fast, and Ravin had no answer but to keep defending. One slice almost got him, but he ducked just in time; however, the man kicked him heavily in the jaw and he was thrown helplessly backwards, both swords smashed out of his grip as he hit the ground.

“Not good enough. You disappoint me. I was looking forward to a good battle. The prey has been lacking in this area since the famine,” the man said, standing over Ravin, his sword poised for the killing blow. Out of the corner of his eye, Ravin noticed the dark figure of Esben creeping in the shadows.

“Well, we had fun, didn’t we? I’m so sorry you have to leave so early,” Ravin replied, looking back into the man’s eyes and smiling.

“I think you’re mistaken, you’re the one who…” started the man, but was stopped by a bolt smashing into his neck, and the dead body dropped onto Ravin, who pushed it aside. Esben walked into view, looking pleased with himself.

“Good shot, if I might say so myself.”

Ravin nodded in gratitude, “You would,” he said, and then added, “The twins?”

Esben simply nodded over to their left, where the two brutes had successfully subdued both the other men. One was sprawled on the ground; Ravin assumed he was dead, while the other was being held at sword point to a tree trunk. The captured man was looking terrified at the prospect of being imprisoned by the two large twins, who had so easily knocked aside both him and his colleague. Ravin once again heard the loud moaning of Payt, and turned round to see Daymin supporting the cowardly politician, who was sporting a messy nosebleed and some bruises to his face.

“I feel terrible,” Payt managed to splutter.

“Well, a few injuries to a mighty heroic fighter like you is nothing right?” Ravin asked.

Esben’s roar of laughter echoed through the silent forest.

sorry...

Yeh, it's true. That battle scene did suck, and generally the bit leading up to it. You're right. *hits delete key*

But...

'“The horses! Somebody’s taking the horses!” he shrieked, running away from the group of men he has just seen busy cutting down the ropes that held the animals.'- First of all, 'had', not 'has'. Second, what? What were the men like? Third, i'm imagining Ravin in his late teens, early twenties, shrieking. Riiiight.

Ok, Firestarter, i'm going to be tough on you so get ready!!!

'Esben looked genuinely shocked, and exclaimed “Relic! Relic, he says! This ‘relic’ has been passed down by generation to generation, father to son, and has seen the end of many enemies!” '- Um, OK then. This little exclamation is a little cheesy. Fix it up a bit...how did Esben say this? What did the scabbard look like? Why is he throwing this hissy fit over nothing?!


'...some food, my stomach’s feeling parched.”- My stomach's feeling parched. Hmmm. Interesting. I thought it was 'my throat is feelig parched.' But it could be just me.


'But all thoughts of resentment were thrown from his mind as he saw an arrow flash by his head and strike the tree trunk beside him. He watched it curiously as it vibrated for several seconds, and his eyes followed the direction from which it was fired. And screamed.'- This entire section is a little bit...passive, for its purposes. How did he scream? Why? Wouldn't he be majorly freaked out if this arrow just suddenly comes whizzing by?

'“The horses! Somebody’s taking the horses!” he shrieked, running away from the group of men he has just seen busy cutting down the ropes that held the animals.'- First of all, 'had', not 'has'. Second, what? What were the men like? Third, i'm imagining Ravin in his late teens, early twenties, shrieking. Riiiight.


“Get out of it, you fool, they’ll see us too!” Ravin said, pushing the scared man out of their way.'- Again, I'm way lost. what's happening? What's going to happen? Second, the word 'scared'. Firestarter, i know you can do better than plain old 'scared'...

I read parts of the rest of The Sun Prophet, yet this seemed kind of...blank to me, comparitively. Your battle scenes were GREAT, in the first couple chapters. I think these can be good, too, if you just go over it a little bit...once i found my place and didn't feel quite so lost, i rather enjoyed it. Just needs some going over.

Yeh I will.

I better stop posting chapters, I think I've lost all of my original readers heh.

Anyway, here's the rest of Chapter 11. Probably my last post on The Sun Prophet. I should just get on with it!

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Ravin snorted, and glanced at the scabbard bouncing at Esben’s waist.

“Your still using that old relic?” he asked, a grin forming at his lips.

Esben looked genuinely shocked, and exclaimed “Relic! Relic, he says! This ‘relic’ has been passed down by generation to generation, father to son, and has seen the end of many enemies!”

“Alright, we don’t need a grandiose speech,” he said, rolling his eyes to the sky, “We should probably stop for some food, my stomach’s feeling parched.”

“Best thing you’ve said all day!” Esben proclaimed and dismounted his horse rapidly, eagerly ripping open his luggage.

Ravin called to the rest of the party and they all sat down in a small, shaded area between the trees, to the side of the path and enthusiastically tore through their breakfast. Ravin felt strangely at ease, a sensation he had not experienced for a long time. The twinkling sun reflecting off the canvas of leaves; the scented wind floating idly through the blooming countryside; the relaxation of the silky grass comforting him made him feel drowsy. The food was gone quickly but they waited a little longer, enjoying the fresh morning and late summer sun for a few more minutes. His mind wandered off to other things, mainly the talk with his father the night before.

“There are many dangers, my son, even now. We have enemies everywhere. Aranion fears my power, and he fears you. He is glad I am dying; he thought he had the city in his grasp. You have returned, and he has been thwarted. Aranion is not a peaceful man, you’re head is in his sights now. Don’t trust him. There are others…politicians...lawyers…rich merchants. They all want me dead, want our family dead. We’re nothing but descendants of scum to them, boy, and they’d kill us all before they saw the crown returned to Norfor. Watch yourself on the long journey.”

“You be careful too, father,” was all Ravin could say. At the time it sounded as if his father had lost his mind a little, and paranoia had consumed him a little, but as he looked back on the moment, he was probably right. Payt didn’t like him a bit; Aranion had always shown him funny behaviour. In fact, Ravin now started to believe the only men he could trust in Norforda were Armen and Esben. At least one of them was by his side.

A whining voice in his ear shook him back to the present.

Payt was voicing his frustration at this momentary break, claiming it was wasting valuable time, but Ravin waved him off. Nobody else complained, and Payt wandered off back to where the horses were, tethered to some trees closer to the path. He wasn’t particularly worried about anything happened, and was happy to get away from the group for some time. They all disliked him; he could see it in their eyes and how they talked to him. Not that it mattered; he found the two brothers vain and dim-witted; Esben an arrogant fool; Daymin a stupid boy who should never have come on such an important mission; and Ravin a peasant above his place. Noble blood! Ha! The man had broken the laws of the Republic and what he gets is a promotion above Payt, the inspiring young politician who had negotiated several treaties in the last few years, including the famous trade agreement with Tentak. Not that it mattered now. The barbarian invasion had almost destroyed their economy and Norfor had no use for it anymore. His father was probably ashamed of him.

But all thoughts of resentment were thrown from his mind as he saw an arrow flash by his head and strike the tree trunk beside him. He watched it curiously as it vibrated for several seconds, and his eyes followed the direction from which it was fired. And screamed.

“The horses! Somebody’s taking the horses!” he shrieked, running away from the group of men he has just seen busy cutting down the ropes that held the animals.

Ravin and Esben burst straight to their feet, the twins not far before. Ravin unsheathed his sword quickly and Esben withdrew a crossbow close by. Daymin made to help them, but Ravin pushed him back, shaking his head.

“Stay here, lad.”

The four of them charged across through the tress into towards where Payt had shouted. Ravin saw the four men unravelling the horses tethers, and Payt running cowardly away, his arms in the air, towards Ravin himself.

“Get out of it, you fool, they’ll see us too!” Ravin said, pushing the scared man out of their way.

But the element of surprise was already lost. The three men glanced towards their position and unleashed two poor arrow shots, once flying wildly over their heads and another striking a tree far ahead of them. But their leader had smashed his sword through the rope…the horses galloped away as the other two men hit them with their bows.

Esben finished loading his crossbow and took a quick shot at the leader of the three men, but it went wide. Ravin and the two twins kept running towards them, and they spread out and picked a target each. Ravin had eyes only for the leader. The two bowmen tossed their bows aside and pulled out long knives and grinned at Byron and Tyron descending on them, the twins wielding heavy broadswords.

The leader stood casually in front of Ravin, swivelling a long blade in his hand, and gave Ravin a toothless grin.

“My master gives his regards,” he said, and spat in front of Ravin, “You scum.”

Ravin approached warily, his sword lent forwards, “And who is this kind master of yours?”

But the man threw himself forward, slicing towards Ravin’s neck. But the Ambassador was ready for the attack, and spun to the right, smashing his left elbow into the side of man’s skull. He lost balance and collapsed to the floor, dropping his sword, which Ravin quickly kicked aside.

“Perhaps you didn’t hear me properly. Who pays you?” Ravin demanded, kicking the man.

But Ravin was distracted by the arrival of one of the twins and Esben, who was dragging Payt along with the ground with him.

“I killed one of them, but Tyron’s tried to get away. Ty is chasing him now,” said Byron, breathing hard, “Is he speaking?”

Ravin shook his head, and growled his disapproval at Tyron chasing his opponent. Now was not the time for useless pursuits into the forest. It was bad enough losing their only means of transport, along with most of their food, water and clothes, but losing a member of the party would be far worse.

The man on the ground, sensing his opportunity, jumped upwards and attempted to run off. He didn’t get far. Esben’s bolt slammed into the middle of his back, and he screamed in pain. Ravin ran over, but found no pulse.

“There goes our only information,” he said angrily. This morning was going from bad to worse, “Which direction has your brother gone in?” he asked unpleasantly to Byron.

Byron pointed off to the North.

“Idiot,” Ravin muttered, “Right. Tyron and Payt, you stay here with Daymin and the remains of our possessions. Me and Esben will find Byron.”

“What about the horses?” Payt gasped from the floor.

“They’re long gone. Hope you didn’t have anything with them you were attached to,” he replied, and set off at a run towards the north. Esben shrugged and followed.

Well, I'm really bad at tenses, and I mean, really bad. So if your unsure I 'd check it with someone who does know for certain!

Ahh, thanks a lot El. That made me feel better. Thanks so much for all the nit-picking, it's what helps things to improve.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't know what you mean by that. "And the new ambassador" it doesn't make sense there to me. It would make sense if you wrote "Perhaps Esben and the new ambassador could do the nation of Norfor ... etc" Or did you just miss some words?

Tenses are my weakest point, but shouldn't it be "It was ..." not "It's..." But, run that by someone else, because I seriously need to work on my knowledge of tenses.

Yes, of course we all love you, Fire. And finally! A section of the Sun Prophet that requires no privious reading! You lost me when I went on holiday. When I came back you were posting chapter 8, and I had only read the first bit and I never caught up, the read was too daunting.

Anyway... down to buisness. (bet I spelt buisness wrong)

“I don’t understand your decision, Esben,” said Councillor Armen, a tremor evident in his voice, water forming at the base of his eye. Whether it was because he was staring directly out of the window into the morning sun or otherwise, Armen didn’t allow it to be seen.

“Councillor, the many years I have spent under your service have been some of the most proud of my life. To work for a man I respect and love has soared my heart,

The fire roared in the background, fighting back the invasion of a chilly breeze, which had appeared ever since Esben’s entrance to the room.

Perhaps he could do the nation of Norfor an even greater service and the new ambassador alive.

It’s the royal blood pumping in his veins.

He was twitching with anxiety, his left leg bobbing up and down unconsciously, and sweat appearing on the tall man’s brow.

Ravin stood confused in the city stables.

This was the morning of their departure,

“I’m Byron, sire. If you notice I have slightly smaller hands than my brother Tyron,” Byron replied in his high voice, quite seriously.

“Please don’t move! If you stay where you are, I can actually work out which one is which. Perhaps I should buy you a blue and red ribbon each to differentiate between the two of you. Anyway, we’ll be going soon. I’m just off to fetch Payt.”

“Okay, but by the way, By has much bigger hands. If you look at the difference between our finger lengths, mine our distinctly less in diameter…”

Ravin missed the rest and he moved as fast as he could out of the room.

Despite Payt’s request for extra time to improve his hair and Daymin going back to grab his favourite necklace,

“To come with you of course. I couldn’t let you go on such a big journey without somebody with my charm, intelligence, flair….” Esben started.

Everyone except Payt waved or nodded their head as they were mentioned.

“I prefer my correct title of Deputy Ambassador, sire. Any other words are just patronising to my duties,” Payt said with a hint of loathing.
Ravin rolled his eyes so only Esben could see.

The countryside was silent apart from the clapping of the horse’s hooves to the dusty path, and vacant of all life except the half dozen riders that had disturbed the peace. The only other signs of movement were the odd flutters of late summer leaves across their course, the barely audible dropping of dew and the light green blades of grass swinging back and forth in the morning breeze. The sun had risen above the mountains after their departure from Norforda, and now it blinded them as they travelled almost directly east towards the small nation Machulia.

I'm posting the start of Chapter 11 too, just cos I'm bored and you all love me really.

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The countryside was silent apart from the clapping of the horse’s hooves to the dusty path, and vacant of all life except the half dozen riders that had disturbed the peace. The only other signs of movement were the odd flutters of late summer leaves across their course, the barely audible dropping of dew and the light green blades of grass swinging back and forth in the morning breeze. The sun had risen above the mountains after their departure from Norforda, and now it blinded them as they travelled almost directly east towards the small nation Machulia.

Ravin smiled to himself as he watched Daymin laugh loudly at another of Esben’s jokes, and their almost constant chatter since the beginnings of the journey continue. Esben was always popular with the young; his constant smile, friendly manner and refusal to talk down to children gave him an attraction to boys such as Daymin. Ravin would know.

He was only ten years old when the young Esben was appointed as a guard to his father’s estate. Even as he first laid eyes on the youth, he could tell he was a enthusiastic person, and soon became a favourite amongst all of his father’s staff, especially Ravin. His comical antics often get him into trouble, but Ravin protected him from his superiors and soon they’re friendship blossomed.

Esben became his mentor. He taught him how to fight, how to talk to girls, how to get away with absolutely everything, and other things he would never have dreamed of learning at such a young age or in the learning rooms in the estate. They became quite the twosome. Ravin chuckled at the memory.

Esben heard him and let Daymin go ahead. “What does thou great Ambassador find so amusing?” he asked.

“You remind me of us two, all those years ago,” Ravin said, masking the sadness in his heart.

Esben ruffled his hair playfully. “Oh yes, everything’s still the same. You’re still in charge but I’m still the more attractive one. These things never change, young Rav. You’re destined for wart-filled barmaids for the rest of your days.”

“Such modesty is lacking in today’s society,” Ravin replied, with a short laugh, “Perhaps you should talk to the twins, they rather fancy themselves, too.”

“I don’t fancy myself, I’m just admiring beauty.”

Ravin snorted.

This is quite good, though it isn't my type tea... Actullay I don't like tea. Okay then it's not my type of hot chocolate!