Young Writers Society

A very abrupt beginning, what can I say?
It could go anywhere from here, but you absolutely must beef it up with descriptions, thoughts, with style in general. Otherwise it will look more like a short fantasy erotica story in some adult site then a genuine attempt at literature. Now, I often have the same problem, so I sympathize. Beef it up, dillute it with literature. The smells felt, the air and skin interacting, the small fantazies behind closed eyelids before they are opened, the attmpts to guess what is happening, the way people look at each other. The attempts to asses the situation and do something, before it turns out the the situation is f*cked and nothing can be done. So far this text is a skeleton. Put some meat on them bones.
As I said, this could go anywhere. I'm curious to see where! Hopefuly, you'll oblige us soon

Hi! I'm Narniafreak!

My comments will be in parentheses and italics. I hope they help.

"Man, I love friday nights. Don't you?" I told my best friend, as we walked down the sidewalk. We where shopping for anything black. (every time a different person speaks start a new paragraph so it's easier to read) "Ya, their awesome, Ali. No duh." Rachel said while making a face at me. "Oh hush-" I started to say but was cut off by a whistle. "Uh oh, not good..." Rachel whispered, as a group pf 20 year old guys (how do they know they are twenty? Maybe say older guys instead) walked up to us. They all had a smell on them, the drunk man smell (instead of just saying "the drunk man smell, describe the smell). Rachel made a face as 2 (two not 2) of the guys surrounded her. "Woah, woah, woah! what do you think your doing?" She yelled as one tried to grab her from behind. The others grabbed me, as the 2 (how many are there? Two? Four?) started beating her. "Rachel!! Let go of me!!" I screamed, while trying to get free (show us the struggle, did she kick them? bite them? scratch? what?). But, the guys were too strong, and I had to watch as my closest friend was murdered and raped right in front of my eyes (again instead of just telling us what happened describe it by showing. It'll have a better effect). They threw the corpse (would someone really refer to their friend as a corpse?) into a dumpster and turned toward me. The hand that covered my mouth was suddenly removed, and a loud snap (what about the "loud snap"? There's no verb saying what happened) behind me. The other men screamed (would men really scream? No. They would first try to be big and bad and fight, then maybe cuss and yell and run off, especially if they are drunk) and turned to run away, but where attacked by a dark shadow. I saw the shadow break each of the guys necks, and lower its mouth to them. It seemed like to was drinking their blood like a vampire.(Don't give away the plot line so quickly! Change it so it doesn't give away it's a vampire) When the shadow finished, it slowly turned to me. I was scared for my life.(Uh, no duh. Describe what she's doing like shaking or heart pounding) I closed my eyes and whispered, "Please don't kill me.... I beg of you. Spare my life, please!" When I opened my eyes, the shadow was right in front of me, its dark hand on my face.(So, really she doesn't see anything but darkness because of the hand so for all she knows it might not be the "shadow") I blacked out instintly.(should this be instantly?)

yay!!! i like it M.L!!! (oh btw gimme a nickname for u so i know wat to call you and youll know its me) anyway the only thing i think you should do is to first make all the numbers into words......ex. 2= two,to, or too OR 5=five
also its a little choppy......i think you should either start off some of the sentences differently to make it flow better or add some sentences to make it flow better
over all i think vampire/drama/action is your specailty......keep it up