Where do I begin? Hmmm, how about...THIS STORY IS FREAKIN INTENSE! I enjoyed reading it, and now I'm ready to offer my critiques. Hopefully this review is as action-packed as the story! haha
The sword twirled between my fingers, keeping pace with my rapidly beating heart. I was now on the run and losing my ground fast. They were after me for a single reason.
The crown prince’s blood ran down the groove in the very sword I held.
Alright, good start. You've painted a pretty good picture of a conflict and a rising action. I'm ready to hear more.
I will not proclaim innocence. I slaughtered that bastard the moment his green eyes fluttered open. They were wide open and completely void in death. The malicious light had left them even as my hatred grew. He had been beautiful for a man, at least in our empire’s sense of the word. I was inclined to agree. His every feature from his silky blond hair to his long and tapered fingers and smooth skin read Royalty. His face had been feline as his mother’s, only making him more desirable. I hate hated him all the more for it. There was no reason he should have been born to such luxury when I had struggled for every breath, every scrap of food and every inch of flesh still decorating my thin bones.
Alright, good character development. You've managed to flesh out the reason for the conflict, and a solid personality trait. Good job for just one paragraph.
Unless you were a noble perhaps. The marrying off of a noble woman is something to be desired where I was born although it is essentially the same thing as a commoner woman’s. A man raping you, tearing at your body just as your breasts are developing, the gentle curves only starting to round themselves out, the monthly blood spilling; it’s the same whether you are a peasant or a noble woman. The only difference is the nobles are allowed to possess extravagant gifts for their sexual services. The blue bloods don’t know how easy they have it. At least only one man can have them. Low blood means if a man takes a fancy to your face he can have you whenever, wherever he pleases. I was always called to some officer’s room and used when I turned thirteen. They only strengthened my resolve to kill, to spill the blood of their king, queen and their first spawn.
Whoa! That's a whole lot of information there. You've introduced a checkered past, a complex world conflict and a world to go with it, and emotional appeal to the reader. Now it's an interesting world you've created, but you've thrown a lot at us in this paragraph. I would suggest maybe rounding it out, spacing out the information. Or maybe just use less, whichever you want. I like this idea of the world you've made though, it's very creative.
I rounded a corner and nearly had my head taken off by my old swords instructor. He was the reason I had been able to carry out my revenge, why I still breathed. I smiled faintly, reading his movements with ease as I stared into his eyes. They were dark and seemed to be on fire with rage. I would be able to live through a fight with him if I could tell where he would move. He wasn’t too strong for me anymore.
His broadsword swung upwards in a diagonal slash as he roared. The graying hair slick with the effort it had taken him to get ahead of me. The sharp features marked him as having noble blood. His was a fallen noble family; descended from kings of ages past when the Hito Empire enjoyed waging war. The crown prince’s grandfather had defeated my instructor’s father and taken hold of the throne. My instructor was a young boy at the time. From crown prince to lowly soldier in a heartbeat. It was miraculous he had been spared. However, such things had their price. He had been castrated to end his line with his death.
Interesting character for your protagonist to conflict with. But does he have a name? It would have been nice to give him a name so he can have a real connection to the story (although since his family name's gonna expire...lol ). I feel like he could be a little more fleshed out. A name is a good place to start.
Well this is all and all a pretty solid story, or opening for a story (whichever you decided). I'd really like to see it improve in the future! If you ever need a future review, I'm always here!
- SOCKS
Points: 3196
Reviews: 94
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