z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence Mature Content

Perthro

by Dorkwingduck


Loosely based on the universe of Magnus Chase (thanks Rick)- which means of course there is heavy inspiration from Norse Mythology.

------------------------------

It was the summer of 1996, Perlita and her two younger sisters were playing in the backyard, suddenly, Lyonne caught a fluttering blur in her peripheral vision, "Schwester! Schwester! I think I just saw a bird!" 

Scylia echoed her sister, "Bird! Bird!" It was the only word the young one recognized and she was delighted to hear it. 

"Perlita, please! We must go investigate." Lyonne shook Perlita, who had dosed off under the afternoon sky. It was rare for the golden province of Saskatchewan to have sunless days. Today, the sky was grey and the breeze ran cool. The radio had forecasted there was going to be heavy rain in the afternoon but still the children wanted to catch the gloomy weather before it rained. They were a little strange in that way.

Perlita groaned and sat up, her sun hat slid off her face. Her skin was unusually pale so it left her easy to burn, even on a cloudy day. Lyonne stuck out her lip as her wide eyes were filled with plea.

 "Did it go into the woods?" asked Perlita, drawling the question to tease her sister. 

"Yes, it did." Lyonne's expression turned guarded, though she wasn't actually sure where the bird had gone off to. 

Perlita sighed, "You just want to go into the woods! You know Mama and Papa forbid it and yet you still try to persuade me with your tricks." She pinched her sister's nose. The two erupted into giggles. Lyonne's plans were foiled again.

"Come, my little lion." She drew Lyonne to her lap and Perlita hooked her arm beneath her legs. "Oh! You are getting much too big to sit on my lap. I ought to start calling you big lion." The cub whined in protest. 

"No! I am always going to be " 'little lion.' Your kleiner löwin."

Little Scylia quickly forgot her toys when she heard Perlita and Lyonne having fun. She yanked on her eldest sister's dress. She screamed angrily because they had left her out.

"Who can forget our baby Scylia?" cooed Perlita as she picked up the littlest one, who also had gotten heavier. She plonked Scylia into Lyonne's lap. 

"Ugh. What are you eating, Scylia?!" cried Lyonne, now squished under the weight of her baby sister. Perlita snorted at her complaint, "Same thing as you, little lion." Scylia had already stopped paying attention as she had found something else to play with. She twirled and yanked Perlita's long braided hair. The curled and puffy brown thicket on her head was often hard to brush, so every morning her mother tied her hair up into four braids.

"Children! It's about to rain, come inside." called Mama from the house, "Yes, Mama." Perlita replied with Lyonne in chorus. 

"Mama!" exclaimed Scylia. Her little fists reached for Mama, like she tried grab her from where she sat.

She rolled off the pyramid of sisters and slowly got to her unsteady feet. She stood with a puffed chest, proud to have gotten up all by herself. A drop tapped her on the nose, baby Scylia craned her neck to look at the clouds. More of them began to fall then soon after the sky was relentlessly beating the ground with its tears. The three sisters screamed. Lyonne jumped to her feet and beelined to the house. Perlita scooped her sister and ran for cover.

"Mama! Mama! I'm drenched." said Lyonne in a panic. Her wavy brown locks were pressed against her forehead and damp shoulders as she stood there with a quiver in her bottom lip.

"Don't worry dear, just go to the bathroom and undress, I'll bring your sister for a bath too." said Mama soothingly as she took Scylia from Perlita. The little one quietly giggled in her embrace, giddy from her first encounter with a rainstorm. Lyonne beamed at Mama with the two gaps for her front teeth fully displayed and skipped off to the bathroom. "Perlita, the door!." 

The girl whirled to find the glass sliding door wide open. It let rain and mud fly into the living room. Perlita promptly shut it as she gave Mama an apologetic smile. 

"Young lady, I want that puddle wiped up after you've dressed yourself for bed," to which she nodded in reply. Mama lovingly patted her cheek then followed Lyonne's trail of mud to the bathroom. Perlita went off to find her room to change out of her soaked dress.

Later that evening, Papa came home in time for supper. Lyonne told Papa all about their adventure outside. She left out the part about the bird so Perlita was quick to mention it; Lyonne had flushed from embarrassment. Mama told all of them it was bad to keep secrets but Papa only laughed and promised to take them out fishing soon. After supper, the two sisters were tasked with cleaning up the mud around the house. Mama washed the dishes and Papa played with Scylia, calling her "Mein strahlend himmel," quietly to himself.

"Time for bed," Papa said. Mama gave the little girls two kisses on the cheek each. They turned on the night lamp and left for the evening. The girls waited until they couldn't hear their parents' footsteps anymore. As silently as a mouse, Lyonne whispered, "What's your favourite colour, mine is red." 

Perlita thought for a moment, "I don't have one." 

Lyonne grunted in disapproval. 

"Boo!" yelled Scylia, immediately her two older sisters shushed her. "You'll call Mama into our room and she'll turn off the night lamp." 

Perlita said while she stifled a laugh, "I think she meant to say that her favourite colour is blue." The sisters giggled and talked for a little while longer then Scylia fell silent. The little one had fallen asleep.

 "I think we should rest now, Lyonne." said Perlita, barely louder than a breath. 

Her sister shifted under the blankets, "Okay, but one more thing."

"What is it?"

"I love you, Perlita." Lyonne said.

"I love you too, mein kleiner löwin."

Perlita awoke to the screams of her father and her mother burst into the room. "Mama... what-?" Scylia jolted from the sudden loudness, she had begun to wail as well. Mama rushed to her crib and carefully picked up the crying babe. 

"Go help your father." Mama breathed. In the dimness she saw her mother's tear-stained face. Perlita finally noticed the empty bed beside hers. Panic flooded her mind and she raced after Papa.

"Papa, what's going on?" Perlita demanded. "Where's Lyonne?" She was met by angry silence. Papa's face was set in a deep frown, that's how she knew not to ask further. He strode into Mama and Papa's room and ripped open the closet door, inside he grabbed a shotgun hidden behind a storage box. "Papa...", she pleaded. He turned to face her. The woes of Helheim that swam in his eyes threatened to drown her. Papa rarely spoke with such dread, only after many years did Perlita understand why.

"Your sister went in the woods."

Perlita didn't understand what was so scary about a forest, but it was almost as if Papa read her mind.

"It's not the trees, Perlita, its what roams among them."  He threw her a brown sweater. "Put it on. We have to go find her." Nights were cool in the summer but Papa was already marching out the door. The sweater hung loose on her little frame and she ran out after Papa with only socks, shorts and a sweater on.

They stood at the mouth of the forest and peered in to the great unknown. It no longer looked like a home of moss, roots and branches, but like a chasm which held unimaginable peril, and Lyonne. 

"Perlita." His voice was frail and small, "Take this flashlight, and stay behind me. We're going to find your sister and bring her home." Papa sounded terrified out of his mind but he wore a brilliant smile. Papa was a handsome man, you know? He took after the best features from his German and Polish parents; strong jaw, sharp nose and a smart, caring mind. No wonder Mama fell in love with him.

She could barely muster a whisper, "Yes, Papa." Her eyes moistened without permission and she angrily wiped them away with the sweater. Papa's eyes creased and he knelt before his daughter, then brought Perlita into his arms tight. She hugged him back as she silently in his embrace.

"Be brave for our little lion, mein tochter."

She promptly made him a promise, "Yes, papa."

Papa rose and looked into the darkness with new resolve. He turned on his flashlight and led the way without another word. He called her sister's name. Perlita flinched when she heard a branch snap. 

He laughed under his breath, "Remember, stay brave." 

The two descended deeper and deeper inside the forest. It was dark at the beginning, now it felt like the thicket itself was stealing the light from their flashlights. Nothing could be seen except what was illuminated on their path. The tangle of roots on the forest floor were harder to navigate since they couldn't see anything. The air also became heavy and stale. For a place significantly known life and nature, it felt utterly void of it. A leaf brushed against Perlita's ankle. She squealed and honed the light on a little plant. 

Its sprouted branches hung slouched to the side; all its leaves withered and brown. Sure enough, it was dead. It felt like they'd arrived at the den of something not from this world, something unnatural. 

"Perlita, do you hear that?" said Papa. She heard growling; deep, guttural, hungry and it wasn't far.

"Turn off your lights!" hissed a familiar voice. Lyonne! Perlita almost cried in relief. 

Her sister repeated herself, urgency stressed in her words. "Hide!" 

Papa took Perlita by the collar and followed the sound of her voice. They found Lyonne tucked under the roots of a large tree. She squinted when they shone the flashlights at her face.

"There isn't enough space for all of us to fit under there. Stay with your sister while I find another place to hide. I'll come find you both with it's safe." He lifted the shotgun off his shoulders and passed it on to wide-eyed Perlita, "Protect yourselves with this. Aim for the head." 

Lyonne whimpered in fear, "It's coming back, you need to HIDE." The sound of a thousand branches exploded from behind. 

"Quickly now, and be quiet." Papa rasped before he ran off into the night. Lyonne tore the flashlight from Perlita and fumbled to turn it off. Her sister wormed into the crevasse.

"Lyonne, what were you thinking-?" A hand was slapped over her Perlita's mouth. She gripped the shotgun to keep her hands from shaking. 

The beast was close now; they could tell from the ragged, laboured breathes it drew. Perlita was sure the beast walked on two legs. The more they listened, the more it sounded like footsteps. They had no time to ponder however as the beast growled and circled around the trees. It stopped to sniff the air then headed straight for the two girls. Lyonne sharply took in air. Perlita carefully pulled away her sister's hand and took up something in her palm. 

"I'm going to throw a stone, it'll make a distraction. If it chases after us, I'll take it down with the shotgun." 

Lyonne whined, "That's a terrible plan!" 

Perlita shushed her sister, "I know but we're out of options." 

Lyonne did the only thing she could do now. She hugged her sister. Perlita nuzzled her nose into her sister's matted hair and gave her a reassuring smile even if she couldn't see it.

"On the count of three, you run like hell." Lyonne squeezed her sister's hand,"One. Two. Three." 

Perlita threw the stone with all her might. She knew it hit a tree from the hollow thunk that followed, "RUN!" 

Lyonne burst out of the roots and she darted to the left. Opposite of where the stone had landed. Perlita was a little slower getting out, the shotgun caught on the gnarled roots but she was soon able to follow where her sister headed. Thus, the beast bayed to the moonless sky. The hunt had begun.

The beast pounced where it heard the noise, then it snarled, figuring out it had been fooled. 

Perlita yelled, "Turn on the flashlight!" A tubular beam pierced the dusty air. Night had grown even darker. The scant luminescence it provided didn't shine farther than their next step. It was like waltzing with the roots; desperately trying to keep their balance in a minefield made for twisted ankles. The beast leaped across the forest floor with the grace of a frog. It was quickly closing the gap between it and it's prey.

Perlita felt her heart clenching so hard it hurt, "Lyonne..." she gasped. "Take a left at the end here."

Lyonne hadn't noticed the thinning of trees ahead until her sister pointed it out. Papa had once told them of a wide meadow in the middle of the forest. He said all the birds and animals went there to rest on its soft blanket. Starlight from above spilled in to bathe the grass in dim silver.

She was left breathless, from its beauty and her own exhaustion. The beast howled again. They jumped out of the forest and burst into the clearing. Their legs could no longer hold their weight and so they toppled down a grassy slope. The two sisters stayed laying at the foot of the hill. Perlita knew they couldn't stay there, she had to get them home. She used the shotgun as a crutch and pulled herself off the ground then painfully made her way to Lyonne's side. Tears freely flowed down her sister's face. 

"I'm so tired. I can't run anymore. No matter how scared I am, my feet cannot take me any farther." The child covered her face with her dirty hands and openly wept. They were all alone. Death was coming to beckon their souls and there was no one who will protect them from it. Perlita kneeled by her sister's side and used the back of her hand to smooth back Lyonne's hair. 

She gently removed her hands and pointed to the stars. "Look up at the skies, my sister. No moon is out tonight yet these little stars still give us light." Lyonne's blue eyes met own brown ones. Hers were wide and pleading, only this time they were terrified. Perlita gave her little sister a small smile. "Kleiner löwin, hope must never be lost in the face of light extinguished. If you look closely enough, there will always be something showing you the way."

Papa stumbled into the meadow. Perlita yelled for him. He heard it and let out a cry of joy and ran for his daughters. "Girls! You're alright." He sobbed, beyond delighted to see them well. He dropped down and gathered Perlita and Lyonne to his chest. "My, my. I thought I lost you both." sniffled Papa.

"We're okay, Papa." said Lyonne through hiccuped breathes.

Their happy reunion was cut short however as the beast emerged at last. Perlita, Lyonne and Papa sat there in frozen horror. Before them, was a creature only thought to be in myths. It stood upright with the body of naked man, but carried the head of a disheveled wolf on it's shoulders. It bared canine teeth, clean and smooth as ivory. It's messy, frizzed mane was washed grey by the night sky and it's beady yellow eyes were trained directly on them. The creature dropped onto it's hands, keeping a guarded pose like an animal about to strike.

But then, it did. The beast gaited down the hill. Papa pushed his girls out of the way and scrambled to his feet. It pounced on the man, ripping into his arm with it's teeth. It made up in strength for the claws it lacked, the beast had Papa pinned to the ground with a death grip over his body. "Get out of here." he croaked. The beast took a second bite out of his shoulder and the man let out a bloodcurdling scream. 

"Behind me, Lyonne!" shrilled Perlita. 

Lyonne cried for her Papa and tried to run and save him, Perlita had to grab her before she could. She leveled the shotgun at the beast, aiming the only place it wouldn't hit Papa. She fired a shot at the creature's fleshy leg. It yelped in pain, turning it's attention to the girls. Papa was pale as the moon as his blood watered the lawn, dousing plants red at an alarming rate. Perlita moved closer and shot again, this time straight at it's bloodied snout. This one's for Papa, she thought. The beast's hands flew to it's face. It let out a howl worse than anything she had ever heard then dropped to it's knees. One breath. Two breathes and it fell still. Lyonne cried and ran to Papa's side. 

"What are we going to do, Perlita?"

Perlita was trapped in a daze as she looked down at the beast. She had never killed anything before. It tried to murder her family and nearly succeeded but then why did she feel pity for such a strange thing? Lyonne grew impatient, sick from the sight of her father's torn skin.

 "HOW COULD YOU JUST STAND THERE?!" Her voice was raw with emotion, "I NEED YOU. PAPA IS DYING!" 

That jolted Perlita back to reality, swiftly she ran to her father's side. "We need to stop the bleeding." She tore off her sweater and her shorts, giving one to her sister, "Here." They wrapped the articles of clothing around Papa's wounds as best as they could. 

Gently, Perlita patted Papa's cheek, "Papa, we need to get you out of here. Can you stand?" He was fading in and out of consciousness, but managed a weak nod. "Here, Lyonne. Take his good arm and I'll support him on his other side so I can make sure the wrappings don't fall." With great effort the two sisters got him standing and together, they hobbled south of the meadow. Perlita could see the lights from their house in the distance. She wondered if Mama would make them some hot chocolate when they arrived home, she could hold Scylia while she played and tell her all about tonight's adventure, how they defeated the big bad wolf! She promised herself to appreciate things more. There were so many things to be grateful for--

Growling. Pained, angry and desperate. The beast has risen from the dead. This time it hunts for revenge. Perlita slipped her arm out from under Papa as she swore in exasperation. "Take him, go and don't look back. If we want this thing to die, I need to kill it and make sure it stays dead." Lyonne opened her mouth but found she had no strength to say more. She heaved under Papa's weight, but dutifully took the task. Papa wheezed words of objection however they were lost to the wind. Lyonne chanced one last glance at Perlita. 

What she saw was the silhouette of a young girl, barely at the cusp of womanhood; she bravely stared into danger's merciless eyes, grinning at the face of death. Lyonne knew what she saw was a warrior. She muttered a silent prayer for her sister soon she and Papa disappeared into the forest.

Predator and prey circled one another. A showoff to commence the beginning of the end. White foam dripped from the beast's lips, it snapped it's large maw. Perlita held the shotgun steady, this time she'll shoot it dead. It stricked first, launching itself for Perlita's head. She tucked and swerved, budding the beast with the butt of her gun on her way up. It lashed out a hand, catching air. Perlita came up behind it and shot it swift. A large crater replaced it's chest; still it breathed. She could barely believe her eyes, slowly she backed away because there was no running now.

The beast turned, foe faced foe. Perlita studied it closely. A haze filmed it's eyes, something wasn't right about this beast. She glanced at it's fingers and toes, they were a different hue from the rest of it's body, parts of fur on the wolf head were discoloured. The beast growled, vigourously shaking it's head to fight the creeping death trying to pull it away. Finally, the beast's head seemed to clear and it remember what it was doing. It reached for Perlita and slammed her to the ground. Her breath left her. Perlita was left rolling for air. The beast grabbed her shoulders and bit into the crook of her neck. 

Almost instantly, she could feel her systems shutting down. She cocked the gun and fired as many times as her body allowed her to. Soon her hands were no longer under her control. She fell limp as her eyes glazed over. They stayed permanently stuck gazing at the sky. A glowing woman on a white horse circled above, Perlita's lips moved slightly into a smile. The beast let out one last whimper, it collapsed on top of her. She gasped from the impact, but all she drew was blood.

One breath. She saw the smiling faces of her family, calling her to dinner. Two breathes. She felt the breeze on her face, the falling rain massaging her scalp and the wet soil between her toes. Then, for the final time, Perlita closed her eyes.

"Are you awake?" A soft voice spoke from somewhere above. Perlita painfully peeled open her eyes. She found herself in a field again, only this time it was day. She moved her hand to cover her face, but how come the sun never left a searing glow on her skin? She went to sit up but was immediately deterred by blistering agony exploding in her neck and her mouth flew open in a silent cry. "Not yet, my dear." Footsteps, then a kind looking face came into view. It was a girl, not much older than her; she had deep black hair, more textured than hers which was tied back into space buns, clipped with little cowboy ornaments. "You must be wondering where you are?" The girl asked, probably after she read her the confusion apparent on Perlita's her face. She kept silent so the girl took that as confirmation.

"Congratulations, warrior. You have earned your spot in the halls of Valhalla. Here you shall spend your endless days doing whatever pleases you. Until, of course, the time comes and you raise arms to fight for the All-Father in the battle of Ragnarök."

Perlita tried to process what had just been said. Spoiler alert: she could not. It was like having a fast ball thrown at her that she couldn't quite catch. Perlita decided to focus on the only thing that mattered. "Is my family okay?" Her voice came out more hoarse than she expected. 

The girl smiled, "They're fine. Shaken by your death, but nevertheless alive and well." Perlita nodded, the good news had returned some of her strength. Finally, she sat up. The girl levied her hands on Perlita's back to keep her upright. "My shoulder doesn't hurt anymore." Perlita said absently, feeling the spot where she had been thrown to the ground. "Oh yes, revivals fix you up real good, the thing in your neck is called phantom pain. It'll go away once you die again a couple of times. A bit of your neck had to be reconstructed after the whole encounter with the Wulver." Memories flooded back into Perlita's mind, she shivered and balled her hands into fists. "Unfortunately, not much can be done about the mind, only time can heal those wounds, dear." The girl smoothed her hair, the same way she did for Lyonne. Oh! Lyonne. Will she even get to see here again? Perlita forced those thoughts aside, she'll have to unpack all that when she's out of company. "What's your name?" Perlita asked. "I'm Angelina, my paw paw thought I was an angel sent to him, so he gave me that name, or maybe I was named after the actress. Either way, can't really keep track of those things in a family of nine!" Angelina snorted, Perlita found the southern drawl she had kind of charming.

"And what do I have the pleasure of calling you, dear? I mean, i know your name of course., but I sense some other-ly-ness going on with you." Perlita just stared at her. "Huh?" Was all she could manage. Her entire life not a single person had noticed, that wasn't to saw she was sure of herself either. She loved all the things girls are supposed to, but also she loved the things boys do. Did that necessarily make her both, none or either? Maybe she was something entirely different. All she knew was that there was something strange about how she felt. No. Not strange, just new.

"I feel like Perlita isn't who I am anymore. I mean, I literally died. SHE literally died. I can't wrap my head around all this, yet that much I know for sure." Perlita said. This was all too much, she tucked her head between her legs to try and block away the world. In her little cocoon, she continued. "But won't abandoning that part also mean abandoning who my parents raised me to be?"

"No, dear. Finding yourself doesn't change who you were. It only adds to the person you are becoming, just somethings don't have a place where we are headed so we must leave them behind, in order to grow."

Angelina rested her hand on Perlita's head. "I have a name for you." The young one unfolded, so she met them with a dashing smile. "Perthro. It's a rune." She pulled out a leather bound notebook and drew the rune with a piece of charcoal. It was shaped like the bottom of a clay pot turned to it's side, facing the right. "Perthro faces the east; always, with dawn arrives a day anew, that is what it will mean to you. 'Rebirth.' You have been reborn as a warrior."

Perthro looked at the sky, unable to meet Angelina's eyes. "This recently came to me. I feel as a man around the brilliance of blue and as a woman around the radiance of red. Only in the presence of the two combined, do I truly feel whole." He caught her glancing up. Then, she looked at him with a look he had never thought he would get from a complete stranger; in her eyes was total and unquestionable acceptance. 

Thus spoke Angelina, "It's incredible to meet you, Perthro."

Perlita Hoffmen's chapter comes to an close, and so, a new one begins for Perthro, who died protecting the ones he held dearest.


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Sun Jul 30, 2023 8:19 pm
foxmaster wrote a review...



Foxmaster here for a review!
Well, this was a really nice story you have here, and I loved it, (the ending was like, BOOM to my brain, lol) but I did find a lot of typos here, so let's get started.

It was the summer of 1996, Perlita and her two younger sisters were playing in the backyard, suddenly, Lyonne caught a fluttering blur in her peripheral, "Schwester! Schwester! I think I just saw a bird!"

Scylia echoed her sister, "Bird! Bird!" It was the only word the young one recognized and she was delighted to hear it.

"Perlita, please! We must go investigate." Lyonne shook Perlita, who had dosed off under the afternoon sky. It was rare for the golden province of Saskatchewan to have sunless days. Today, the sky was grey and the breeze ran cool, the radio had forecasted there was going to be heavy rain in the afternoon but still the children wanted to catch the gloomy weather before it rained, they were a little strange in that way.

So, first of all, you want to add peripheral vision, in the first paragraph. Second, in the last paragraph here, this part:
Today, the sky was grey and the breeze ran cool, the radio had forecasted there was going to be heavy rain in the afternoon but still the children wanted to catch the gloomy weather before it rained, they were a little strange in that way.
is a run-on sentence, and you want to replace some of those comas with periods instead, because the reader can get confused and lost in all of that sentence-ness.
"Same thing as you, little lion." Scylia had already stopped paying attention, she had found something else to play with. She twirled and yanked Perlita's long braided hair. The curled and puffy brown thicket on her head was often hard to brush, so every morning her mother tied her hair up into 4 braids.

Remember, if the number is less than ten, spell it out.
The two erupted into giggles, Lyonne's plans were foiled again.

yet again, put a period instead of the comma.
The girl whirled to find the glass sliding door wide open, letting rain fly into the living room. Perlita promptly shut it, then gave Mama an apologetic smile. Who said, "Young lady, I want that puddle wiped up after you've dressed yourself for bed." To which she nodded in reply.

Here, you have the exact opposite of a run on sentence. Here, you should put: "Perlita promptly shut it, then gave her mother an apologetic smile.
"Young lady, I want that puddle wiped up after you've dressed yourself for bed," said her mother, to which she nodded in reply."
Perlita didn't understand what was so scary about a forest.

It was almost as if Papa read her mind.

I would put these in the same paragraph, and instead of that first period, add a comma, and instead of "It" put "But."
Papa rose and looked into the darkness with new resolve. He turned on his flashlight, leading the way without another word. He called her sister's name. Perlita flinched at the sound of a branch snapping. He laughed under his breath, "Remember, stay brave." The two descended deeper and deeper inside the forest, it was dark at the beginning, now it felt like the thicket itself was stealing the light from their flashlights. Nothing could be seen except what was illuminated on their path. The tangle of roots on the forest floor were harder to navigate since they couldn't see anything, it also felt like there was more and more of them as they went on. The air also became heavy and stale, for a place significantly known life and nature, it felt utterly void of it. A leaf brushed against Perlita's ankle, she squealed and honed the light on a little plant. Its sprouting branches hung slouched to the side; all its leaves were withered and brown. Sure enough, it was dead. It felt like they had arrived in the den of something not from this world, something unnatural.

Welp, this is an extremely long paragraph. To split it up a bit, you should start a new paragraph every time there's dialogue.
"HOW COULD YOU JUST STAND THERE?!" Her voice was raw with emotion, "I NEED YOU. PAPA IS DYING!"

I'm just going to take a break and say that the part about her voice being raw with emotion is an amazing description, and I loved it :)
Growling. Pained, angry and desperate. The beast has risen from the dead. This time it hunts for revenge.

You just went from part-tense to present-tense, and that breaks up the flow of the story, so you should take it back to past tense from here.
Overall, this was a really great work, and I loved it. It was so interesting and so intense I think you did an amazing job portraying it. I hope to read some more of your work, and if you're looking for something to review, I would suggest some of my work :)
-Foxmaster
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Sat Jul 29, 2023 9:06 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi Dorkwingduck! Welcome to YWS, I hope you're enjoying the site so far :)

It was the summer of 1996, Perlita and her two younger sisters were playing in the backyard. When suddenly, Lyonne caught a fluttering blur in her peripheral, "Schwester! Schwester! I think I just saw a bird!"

This is a cute intro! I like that you establish the time and some of the relationships right off the bat. Just a note though, that the second sentence shouldn't really be split from the first in the way you've structured it. Or, remove the when

"No! I am always going to be "little lion." Your kleiner löwin."

This is a cute dynamic, I really love their relationship! I think you set up the family relationships well - it shows what kind of thing they might have to lose.

"Papa, what's going on?" Perlita demanded. "Where's Lyonne?" She was met by angry silence. Papa's face was set in a deep frown, that's how she knew not to ask further. He strode into Mama and Papa's room and ripped open the closet door, inside he grabbed a shotgun hidden behind a storage box. "Papa...", she pleaded. He turned to face her. The woes of Helheim swam in his eyes, threatening to drown her. Papa rarely spoke with such dread, only after many years will Perlita understand why.

"Your sister went in the woods."

I feel like there wasn't a massive set up for this. She mentioned it, but I didn't think there was a reason for her to go through with it.

Perlita tried to process what had just been said. Spoiler alert: she could not. It was like having a fast ball thrown at her that she couldn't quite catch. Perlita decided to focus on the only thing that mattered. "Is my family okay?" Her voice came out more hoarse than she expected.

Oooh intrigue! I definitely wasn't expecting this from the start of the story.

This was an interesting read for me, and one that took a very different turn from the start of the story! The pacing in the middle was a little quick in that I found we changed direction a little fast but overall I enjoyed it!

Hope this was helpful, and thanks for sharing!

Icy



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Dorkwingduck says...


Hey! I'll take your recommendations and try to pace the story better. It's one of my older works but I thought it would be worth sharing. Thank you for reading and I appreciate the feedback.




Excuse me I have never *lied* about a character I just don't tell the truth
— AceassinOfTheMoon