z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Ch 1 -The Excitement

by DMS1


“Achoo!” came a sound. “Achoo!” it came again! “Why is it sooo dusty?”

groaned Annie. “This box really shouldn’t have been kept there for so

long. I just can't ....stop…..sneezing- achoo! Uh!” “ I honestly don’t know

who kept it in the attic! It must’ve been Dick who’d kept it.” said Mummy

from inside the house. “Now do come in for tea.”

Anni and Dick Winter were brother and sister. Anni was 13 and Dick

a year older than her. They were fast cyclists and loved going on long

rides along the countryside. Their father was an architect, and would

often have a very messy workroom. Annie couldn’t understand much of

the plans her father made, and would often end up thinking she should

never even try to be an architect. “So much drawing, planning and

thinking! Honestly I think I might just go mad if I did any more!” And

everyone would just laugh at her thought. “Oh Annie! You don’t need to

do it if you don’t want to.” said Dick, “Do something you like.” “Yes.” said

Mummy, cutting big slabs of fruit cake for everyone. “Think of something

you like doing. But for goodness’s sake, don’t go about thinking you’d

want to be a traveller. You spend so much money when you go on a

trip!”

And she was right. Both siblings loved to travel, and what was

exciting Annie the most, was the school trip she was going. “Oh Mummy!

I would never think of such a thing! Anyways, I want to become a

professor of some sort.” “Some sort too for a professor!” said Dick, and

got a punch from Annie. “By the way, there was an announcement at

school today about the school trip.” said Annie. “And where will you be

going?” asked Daddy. “We’re going to Cardiff!” said Dick, grinning. “And

we’re going by bus. We’ll be leaving early in the morning and we’ll stay

two days there and be back the next morning. We’ll be going to loads of

exciting places, have loads of fun and goodness knows what else!”

“What’s the date of your departure?” asked Mummy. “I think it’s next

week on Thursday that we’ll leave. We’ll be staying at a hotel. They’ve

given us a form with all the information. You’ve got to fill it.” said Dick.

“Oh please let us go Daddy! You know we can look after ourselves for two days. You won’t need to worry about us. Won’t it be lovely being on

our own Dick?” went on Annie. Dick nodded and said “Brilliant!” but it

sounded more like ‘verian’ because he had stuffed his mouth with cake.

“Oh Dick! Don’t stuff your mouth like that! You just can’t keep your

control on cake, can you?” Dick grinned at her and said, “Well at least

I’ve eaten something. You haven’t even touched your cake! Eat up!”

“Enough you two. You can bring me your forms after tea.” said Daddy.

“Oh thank you Daddy! I’ll have to take my Sapphire jacket, it’ll be cold,

and -” “That’s enough Annie, you’ve barely touched anything. Eat up

now, there’s a lot to follow the fruit cake.” said Mummy.

And there was! After fruit cake, they had buttered scones with

jam, buttered crumpets, a jam sponge sandwich and a nice iced fruit

juice with small bits of fruit in it to end with. “That was a smashing tea

Mummy!” said Dick, leaning back on the chair and highly satisfied with

his tea. “Yes Mummy, you really do cook magic!” said Annie. “Well, it’s

just good to know that you appreciate it, thank you very much.” “Go

along now and get your forms if you want to get them signed now.” said

Daddy. Annie and Dick went off giggling. “We’re going to have so much

fun, Annie.” “Of course we are. Ooh! We might even hit an adventure!”

said Annie as they headed to their bedrooms. “Dream on, dreamer!”

shouted Dick from his bedroom. A pillow came flying and hit him on his

head. “Ouch! What was that for?” Dick looked up and saw Annie at the

door, laughing. “Sorry! But I just hope you’ll learn to comment better next

time!” and she went off downstairs. Dick got his form and raced down

after Annie.

Daddy as still reading Annie’s form so Dick left his on the table, and

went off to read a book in the living room. Annie was with Mummy in the

kitchen. The house cat was having the time of his life, sleeping on his

pillow.

What a cosy evening!


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User avatar
9 Reviews


Points: 687
Reviews: 9

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Sat May 04, 2024 4:35 pm
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TOPAWG wrote a review...



➥First impressions💗: Short and sweet. It was an adorable read that sets a cosy scene, loved the interactions between the characters felt like a genuine brother and sister moment.

A small breakdown: The story relies heavily upon dialogues to convey character personalities and relationships, through this we discover the character’s quirks and the dynamic between family members. I personally loved that you opened with onomatopoeia, "Achoo!" It made me think about where this character is, and what they’re doing to be sneezing. Though the imagery is vivid it paints pictures of the setting, enchanting the reader’s immersion into the cosy atmosphere of a family home. Details like the messy workroom, the variety of tea-time treats and the siblings’ bedroom add to the sensory experience. Annie’s punchline about becoming “some sort of professor” and the playful banter between the siblings, for me is a touch of light-heartedness to the narrative making it engaging and relatable. Very well done there. I enjoyed how the narrative highlights bonds between family, captured by affectionate teasing, shared males and mutual support a sweet theme that only enhances the reader’s relatability to the narrative.

Tips to consider!

➥Pacing: The narrative flows smoothly, but pacing could be improved by balancing dialogue-driven scenes with moments of introspection or action. This can prevent the story from feeling stagnant.

➥Character development: The dialogue only glimpsed us of each character’s personality, further development could enhance their depth and complexity. Consider exploring their motivations, emotions, fears etc.

Overall, your narrative captures the warmth of family life and the lure of upcoming adventures quite well. There is room for improvement, and it has the potential to be bigger, so keep going!

Final say💗🙌🏽: I enjoyed reviewing your work I hope my review helped you in any way(^·^) if you write and upload any work anywhere else (like Wattpad) let me know!

TOPAWG




DMS1 says...


Thanks for the review! I'll be posting my writings right here so you'll always find them right here:)



User avatar
240 Reviews


Points: 16328
Reviews: 240

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Sat May 04, 2024 8:52 am
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AkuRashomon wrote a review...



Hello, I am AkuRashomon and I am here to give you a review/comment for your first short story posted on YWS. Also, welcome to YWS! If you need help, you PM the people with light green/ dark green/ red because they are the administrators of the site. You may also put an avatar on your account so you can be recognized and become a featured member of the site! Now, to the review!

What I liked/Comments
I like the starting of your story. It starts with a sound of a person sneezing and smelling dust.

“Achoo!” came a sound. “Achoo!” it came again! “Why is it sooo dusty?”


So, you have roughly introduced a family of four as your characters in this story. The starting of your story reminds me of those old cartoon movies that show a family of four searching for an adventure. It also reminds me of the very first short story I posted on this site.

the dialogue is good so far, I love how the emotions showcased in this story reflects the personalities of your characters. Annie is the daughter that sneezes a lot, complains and loves travelling. Dick, her brother is a travelling enjoyer too, but he is more of a tease and acts obviously like a brother. Mommy and Daddy are like the adults who act responsible for the way their children act. All of them are excited for the adventure they will be going to after this chapter.

Overall, it is a good short story. I am a sucker for a family adventure book/novel. I would love to see how the family handles the fun-ness and struggles on their adventures in the next chapters.

What can be improved
Once I read the story, I was quite confused on how it was written. I fix this you can write it like:

“Achoo!” Came a sound.

“Achoo!” It came again!

“Why is it so dusty?” Groaned Annie. “This box really shouldn’t have been kept there for so long. I just can't...stop…..sneezing-- achoo! Uh!”

“I honestly don’t know who kept it in the attic! It must’ve been Dick who’d kept it.” Said Mummy from inside the house. “Now do come in for tea.”


See? It's better. You can still improve when you publish more chapters to this novel. I spotted some grammatical and spelling errors. Example(s): Traveler only has one L and you either choose to have the name Annie with an E or without, even with Mommy, choose to put O or U.

Final words
It is a story with a lot of potential but it is written a little bit confusing. But do not mistaken me, you are a good writer. It's just that it needs a little more improvement. I hope this helps! Take care! Good job!

- AkuRashomon




DMS1 says...


Thank you very much for the tips! I do need a lot of improvement, I feel the same myself. And I think I might have forgotten to check for spelling errors.... I had read the name Annie with an 'e' so I put it in that way. And I also have read Mummy a lot in books so that's why. Thank's alot for the review!



AkuRashomon says...


You're welcome!




“I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables