z

Young Writers Society



Disease chapter 3

by Chickensandwitch


Every muscle in Kierra’s fevered body ached. She thrashed wildly, trying to ease the pain. She opened her mouth, her swollen tongue flopping uselessly into the mud, and tried to suck in a breath. The cold air burned against her thickened throat. Moaning softly, she let her head fall back into the puddle of rainwater she was lying in. She was so, so cold. The rain plastered her fur to her starved frame, and she went into a violent spasm of trembling, her body contorting unnaturally.

A figure hovered before her. It appeared as just a dark shadow to Kierra, who’s eyes refused to focus. She attempted the sniff the air but couldn’t breath through her nose at all. She attempted a weak growl that turned into a cough, then a retch. She turned her head and spat a mass of blood onto the sodden earth.

The figure moved closer. Kierra could hear it murmuring; the sound grated against her ears. She felt like a woodpecker was hammering a hole into her head. The creature continued to advance and then placed a paw on her shoulder. It felt warm and soothing. The figure began speaking, repeating some line over and over again. Kierra couldn’t understand a word it was saying. Her head pounded, and she went into another spasm, writhing and shivering and retching blood.

Suddenly the feeling subsided. Kierra was aware of something on her shoulder, and a strange voice. An unfamiliar scent hit her nose: male dog.

“Get up,” the voice was saying. “You’re having a nightmare, I think. Wake up.”

Kierra’s eyes flew open, her head shooting up and connecting with the stranger’s muzzle. She heard the soft click! of jaws snapping shut and a muffled yelp of pain.

“Who are you?” she snarled, wheeling around to face the dog and baring her teeth. What she saw shocked her so much that her mouth slapped itself shut. The dog was emaciated, every rib plainly sticking out. His shoulder blades, hip bones, and spine jutted out from a layer of thin-looking skin.

“I’m sorry,” the male said, lowering his eyes submissively. “You were rolling around and moaning, so I thought I’d wake you up.”

“Thank you, I guess.” Kierra relaxed a bit but was still wary. “I must have been dreaming.”

The dog didn’t say anything. Kierra tried not to stare at his ribs, expanding and deflating as he breathed.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked tactlessly; she was too curious to hold in her question any longer. “Are you ill?”

“No!” the dog snapped indignantly. “I’m a sight hound.”

Kierra looked at him more closely. His feathery blonde fur shone in the sunlight, and his deep brown eyes were brimming with life. He smelled clean and healthy, a bit like chicken. He must have eaten recently.

“I’m sorry,” she gasped, embarrassed. this was the first dog she had seen since she left Stone three days ago, and she didn't want to chase him off. “I’ve just never seen a dog so, um, lithe.”

The dog dipped his head forgivingly. “I’m Sash.”

“I’m Kierra,” said Kierra, wagging her tail.

Sash opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by a fierce bark . He cowered as three dogs burst upon them, hackles up and tails curling over their backs.

“What are you doing here, Sash?” one of the dogs, a red and white female asked. Her body sloped forward in a threat. “This is our turf.”

“Hey, I’m not the only intruder here.” Sash pointed with his muzzle towards Kierra. The dogs turned to look at her, their eyes filled with interest. The angry smell that clouded the air suddenly cleared into excitement. Kierra crouched low to the ground. Why would these dogs be so interested in her?

“You’ve been kicked off our turf enough times to know you’re not allowed, Sash.” the red and white female said, eyes narrowed. “She doesn’t know where she is.”

“Well, she’s coming with me.” Sash growled, stepping in front of Kierra protectively. “I met her first.”

Are they going to fight over me? The thought made Kierra feel a bit smug, although she stayed silent and simply watched.

“She’s on our territory,” another female, obviously a German shepherd mix, retorted. “So she needs to come with us.”

“We’ll just be leaving now, okay?” Sash said coldly. “Let’s go Kierra.”

The three dogs turned and blocked his path, tails up and ticking back and forth aggressively. Sash glared back at them, though he started to look a little uncertain.

“You’re so annoying, Sash.” The red and white female’s voice became lilting and cruel.

“I guess I am.”

“No wonder your owner abandoned a purebred saluki” the female spat the last word out like it was a rotten lettuce leaf.

“I wasn’t abandoned, I was stolen!” Sash’s eyes glittered with pain.

“Whatever. Go away.”

“Kierra,” Sash lifted his finely boned head up and gazed at her hopefully. “Please leave with me.”

Kierra stayed silent, her ears pinned flat against her head. She didn’t want to anger these new dogs, because they outnumbered her.

“Fine,” Sash spat. “I don’t need any females hanging onto me right now. Besides, that one’s crazy. I would be scared to keep her around at night.”

He turned and fled. Kierra watched him disappear into the trees. His words stung, but she shook them off and turned to face her captors.

To her surprise they had relaxed, their tails lowered and their mouths open and panting.

“I’m Cailli.” the red and white female said, wagging her long-furred tail softly. Kierra noticed that one eye was blue and the other brown.

“My name is Kierra,” Kierra whispered, still crouching submissively.

“That’s a pretty name,” Cailli smiled kindly.

“This,” she said, pointing to the German shepherd mix “Is Lena. And this-” she pointed to the third dog, who had been gazing at Kierra silently the entire time. “-Is Tek.”

“Pleased to meet you Kierra,” Tek said politely, dipping his head. He was tall, taller even than Sash, and slim. His fur was black and white and looked very soft. His eyes, a warm chocolate brown, bored into Kierra. They looked gentle, but she felt unnerved all the same.

“Anyways,” Cailli yipped briskly. “Since you’re invading our turf and all, we’re going to have to take you back to our group site. Lena will show you the way. Tek and I will go make sure Sash is gone.”

“What did Sash even do to-” Kierra began to ask, but Cailli and Tek had already bounded off in the direction the sight hound had gone.

“Come with me,” Lena said gently. Kierra could smell the uncertainty coming off herself in waves. The shepherd mix began to trot off down a deer path, then stopped and looked over her shoulder. Kierra knew she had no choice but to follow.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.






You can earn up to 222 points for reviewing this work. The amount of points you earn is based on the length of the review. To ensure you receive the maximum possible points, please spend time writing your review.

Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
75 Reviews


Points: 1035
Reviews: 75

Donate
Mon May 02, 2011 11:28 pm
Teardrop wrote a review...



Hi! Okay, so I haven't read the first chapters, so I don't have a lot to say but I'll try and get the grammatical stuff.

I think that there's a lot of somewhat fragments if you know what I mean. I think your sentences could flow a bit better with eachother. I suggest reading your pieces outloud before you post, using the correct punctuation when pauses are nessesary to guide the reader.

Be sure that you don't over-use pronouns such as "she" and "he" When you have a few characters, and the more pronouns you use it becomes harder to figure out whats going on. Be sure that the reader can figure out what is happening in the story too.

Chickensandwitch wrote:“I’m sorry,” she gasped, embarrassed.
The comma after sorry should be a period, and she should be capatilized, at least as long as you meant that she gasped after she spoke.

Chickensandwitch wrote:this was the first dog she had seen since she left Stone three days ago, and she didn't want to chase him off.
"this" should be capitalized.

Chickensandwitch wrote:“You’ve been kicked off our turf enough times to know you’re not allowed, Sash.” the red and white female said
The period should be a comma, before the quotes.

Chickensandwitch wrote:“That’s a pretty name,” Cailli smiled kindly.
The comma should be a period.

Okay, so there's not many mistakes, but I noticed a lot of mistakes under the topic of punctuation within dialogue. It's not that bad, but this article is really informative about punctuation within dialogue-http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic44898.html

Overall, I really liked this. You have pretty good details! Can't wait to read the next chapters! Keep writing!

~Tear





Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
— Mark Twain