thanks a lot for the comments. it took me a lot to write this poem. i spent a lot of time working on it. especially the part about pride being turned up so loud. i must say, i love that part.
Today I fell,
And you left me on my knees.
So let me fall,
Just leave me there.
Let me cry,
Just watch me shed.
Your pride was turned up so loud,
You barely heard me scream.
You lent me your hand,
But made no effort to help me up.
I was a fool to believe,
That you actually cared,
Yet, a philanthropic spirit,
I discovered you lack.
So leave me now,
I don’t need artificial love,
Only what’s real,
Will stop and help.
So I’ll see you around,
Maybe next year,
But just forget me.
For now,
Let me cry.
thanks a lot for the comments. it took me a lot to write this poem. i spent a lot of time working on it. especially the part about pride being turned up so loud. i must say, i love that part.
Great poem.
Good rhythm, good emotions. I'm a sucker for these sort of poems.
Can't see much suggestions....maybe -
So leave me now,
I don’t need artificial love,
Only what’s real,
Can be the one to help me.
"Can be the one to help me" seems a little awkward.
I was a fool to believe,
That you actually cared,
Yet, a philanthropic spirit,
I have discovered you lack.
I would take out "have" on the last line. But that's my opinion.
Yes, it is awesome...I say this to everyone, sorry, but this is really, really emotional! It's great. The only thing I'm wondering is that line about 'Just let me shed'...I don't get it. What is he shedding? What does he mean? This is a great poem (can I say that again? 
)
I really love it all of it I really its written so well I guess I relate to these things so much.
Your pride was turned up so loud,
You barely heard me scream.
You lent me your hand,
But made no effort to help me up.
120,598 Literary Works • 650,932 Reviews
Points: 6165
Reviews: 665
Donate