I like how you made this piece.
They tell you when you need to come,
They tell you when you need to leave.
They block your path when you advance,
They stand on the side when you’re heading for failure.
They laugh when it’s not funny,
They leave you alone and in the dark.
Everything you’ve tried,
Because of them you always failed.
Everyone you’ve loved,
Because of them you’ve always lost.
Your pain is the evidence of your near death,
But the days just seem to drag on and on.
You’re deteriorating slowly,
They benefit from your disappearance.
Death is calling—
You don’t care.
The desires of your heart,
You finally see.
Your face to the clouds,
And the rain on your back,
You can’t help but to smile.
The one thing,
You’ve always wanted,
Is finally here.
The one thing,
You’ve always wanted,
Is finally here.
They tell you when you need to come,
They tell you when you need to leave.
They block your path when you advance,
They stand on the side when you’re heading for failure.
They laugh when it’s not funny,
They leave you alone and in the dark
They benefit from your disappearance.
This is cliche no matter what I'm about to say, but this touched me in a certain way. It seemed a bit darker and reached out to me, probably because you used the word "you" as opposed to "I". I liked this because I could relate to it, and I think most people can in some sense. True, it's cliche, but you broke the sheath surrounding cliche and orginality. You're right there, so I want to commend you for finally breaking past the confines of triteness. The last stanza was the best, by far. And I loved the last line. This is a huge improvement--I knew you could do it. :smiles:
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