Hiya Cassie! I don't believe we've met; I'm Selene and it's nice to meet you. 
So let's get onto critiquing, shall we?
Nit-Picks:
I held Joel's photograph in my finger's, his laughing blue eye's glistened in the sunlight, and his curly blonde hair was blowing in a circle around his head. And his smile. Oh his smile, was gleaming in the sunlight. He was perfect. And he was mine.
I held my hand up and examined the gleaming diamond ring that sat upon it. I saw my tiny reflection in it. I frowned, he thought I was the prettiest girl in the world. Wrong. My dark brown eyes were always frowning, and my long blonde hair made myself look like a celebrity. I had a thousand freckles dotting my face. I was lucky to have him, it was his unluckiness to have me.
"Finger's" should be "fingers" in sentence one. Also, when you said "my long blonde hair made myself look like a celebrity it contradicts how she really views herself. She's saying she's not beautiful, so why does her hair look good? "Held" is also repeated twice in the first two lines of each paragraph. Perhaps since she's already holding her hand up she can look at her ring from there.
Call his number, not Taylor's. I thought as I dialed.
Put your thought in italics and join the sentences together with a comma.
"Hello?" I said as soon as I heard Joel's answer.
I would switch out "said" with asked. Also, shouldn't she say her name first? Usually it's the other person who answers hello.
He didn't love me, he just didn't.
That's a pretty bold statement, and I personally think it calls for a bit more explanation. She concludes this from picking up the phone and he's drunk? There should be a bit more depth for
"Babe, I have great news! I've got front row seats to the Metz game!
Change "Metz" to "Met's".
I've only got to tickets so you can't come.
Change "to" to "two".
We have been in at least seventeen fights over something stupid these last few days.
This made me laugh. She's really been counting every fight? "Joel, you're being so mean to me!" ...one... "Joel, stop acting like a drunk!" ...two... "Jamie, you're being too overdramatic!" ...three...
I heard dozens of cars zoom by and heard a booming voice ask me "Hey buddy, do you need a ride?"
Comma after "ask me".
"So, how about we make this easy. Give us your money and we won't shoot you, refuse and well, there will be consequences." The man in the passenger seat said as he pointed a gun to my head.
Woah! That seriously came out of nowhere. Try and ease surprises like that into your story. For example:
"Just as I was about to pull open the cab door the window rolled down a few inches. A gun peaked out, and inside I saw the form of a passenger."
See how that made the flow a little better? He's not just running along, and then bam! he sees a cab with a mugger ready to annihilate him. I'd even add a bit more than that, but you get the idea.
Drat, voice mail. I thought.
Again with the italics and comma.
I am telling you this because I am about to die.
Wait, what? Didn't he get away from the guys? How would he be able to get away and get to the phone in the first place? You need an action scene here, my friend. I want to see some struggle before this guy just happens across a telephone to call his sweet love.
This is the end, I thought sadly as everything began to fade.
You remembered the commas this time, just put in those lovely italics.
Pacing:
I saw that you seemed to rush towards the end. Slow down and reflect on what you've already written before you keep going. It helps with the quality of the story and how it unfolds. If I were you I'd lengthen it or save a lot of this for the next chapter. I love reading long, descriptive chapters, so make it more appealing to your readers in that sense. A story with a solid flow to it is essential to a first chapter, because it has all your readers gobbling it up and wanting more.
Overall:
My best advice is to try to just take breaks when you're writing, because sometimes you and your writing really need a time to get those creative ideas in your mind working right. It's kind of tough when you first start, but it gets a lot easier as you practice.
The drama here started too fringe on too much, and along with your fast pace it was a bit off-putting. Watch out for those clichéd pitfalls when writing romance, because you want to aim for unique but amusing as you write. Try out some new equations in love stories. Why not make the girl love the smell of hickory smoke on a guy? Or your girl is a necrophilist and will end up not letting go of her past after Joel dies. It's your story; make it interesting.
I liked the story overall and hope you write more. Also I hope I wasn't too harsh with my critiquing, :/ If so, I apologize. Please PM me if you have a question or you'd like me to review some more!
~Selene
Points: 2365
Reviews: 146
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